We take a friend out for a drink on the terrace. We think we’ve known him forever. And then suddenly, without warning, he orders grapefruit juice. Nobody does that. Nobody apart from a sickly being in lack of recognition who needs to be noticed by his original choice of cocktails/drinks/juices.
1. Strawberry Mojito to get noticed
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Already the classic Mojito is a big fat badger cocktail that makes you gain two pounds with each sip… But then adding strawberry syrup to make it even more indigestible is clearly the worst idea in the world. Unless you’re a kid in CM2. And you drink alcohol. Clearly there is a flaw in my reasoning, but I’m having trouble seeing where…
PS: DRINKING IS NOT GOOD, ESPECIALLY IF YOU’RE 10 YEARS OLD.
2. The Kir because usually you drink grenadine but now you want to be tipsy
You very rarely drink alcohol and your body, which is far too healthy for this elixir of misfortune, can’t bear the bitterness of a small glass of wine? The solution: dilute a few drops of crème de cassis or blackberry in your glass of white wine. It’s sweet, you’re a big fragile, we judge you (or not) but you’ll probably have a better time than your friends who drink directly from the tap of an old cubitainer (this term exists) of undrinkable Chardonnay.
3. Smoothie made using a juicer to preserve vitamins and nutrients
Yes, we are talking about a homemade smoothie and not the one you order at some fast-food terminal that tastes like failure. This smoothie, it’s pure, it’s good for your insides and makes you more beautiful… At least that’s what you’re trying to convince yourself of after buying that damn improved 200-ball grinder. Because, obviously, it’s still a killer drink. If only in its very name “smoooothieeeee” which makes you want to kick chicks.
4. Apricot juice because it’s way too bad of a choice
You will clearly piss off the server by ordering it. No, but yes, you have to stop the delirium, no one serves apricot juice. The apricot, it is eaten, it is not squeezed like lemon. And then even if it means being a c**ille, you might as well order papaya juice, much more exotic, much riskier. Looser.
5. The “Sex on the beach” that you order almost in a whisper
You’re right. Since, obviously, if you are in front of a big clumsy server, the probability that he will answer you “There right away? But we barely know each other! is still quite strong. And you don’t want to have to force yourself to laugh out of politeness. Truly not. As long as he doesn’t hear you and never serves you. Never.
6. Antésite, the stingy drink par excellence
When I am offered antesite, I feel like crying tears of hate. But often I hold back and I politely answer that “I could do without this shitty drink which tastes like rust and which would drive Tchoupi into depression. Seriously, if you’ve never tasted this stuff, imagine yourself drinking catechus or unsweetened licorice and feel the deep pain of the desolation of that drink sinking into you. No, I’m not overdoing it.
7. The Rosé which replaces all other alcohols as soon as it is over 10 degrees in Paris
Let’s stop deceiving ourselves, Rosé is an old blend of white wine and red wine, nothing more. No interest.
8. The Ti’ Punch because the name alone makes you want to slap
I don’t know why but this word gives me eczema just like “craquinette; croustine” and other supposedly cute terms that were actually whispered to human beings by Satan. And no. I DON’T DO TOO MUCH.
9. Water, the typical drink of the raceless big killer
Listen to him talk, this fat stupid hippie who wants to prevent you from stuffing yourself with liters of Coke all day long. Hear him tell you about the benefits of this viscous, transparent and tasteless thing. What a loser. Stop drinking water, you’re hurting yourself… Well, not for too long because after three days, you risk slamming down and a priori, it’s irreversible.