History is full of geniuses, inspiring characters, of whom we can only be envious. Of course, I’m not going to tell you about it, because what interests me is the fails, the dumplings, the big bullshit. And all these balls have in common to be the consequence of a decision taken in a hurry, without really thinking. And there, we are really talking about dumplings with several hundred thousand deaths, a little more serious than forgetting to put your handbrake on.
So yes, we sometimes pulled a little on the rope of the dumpling. Besides you know what, we are not history teachers so if you want to provide details, they are welcome.
1. The war against Prussia
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Towards the end of the 1860s, the French and the various Germanic peoples would not have spent their holidays together, in particular thanks to Napoleon III, who would like to follow in the footsteps of his uncle. Suddenly, when Leopold of Hohenzollern-Sigmaringen is a candidate for the throne of Spain left vacant for 2 years, Napo thinks it’s not fun because he would be surrounded and tells him to stop please. As he is not too much for the war, Leo accepts.
Except that Bismarck it bothers him a little, and since he knows that the emperor is less clever than his uncle on a battlefield, he spreads the rumor that he humiliated the French ambassador. Neither one nor two, Napo says that if it is like that he will declare war on him. During this war, the French did what they do best, which was to get run over by the Germans in less than 6 months, and that’s how we lost Alsace and Lorraine.
2. The Battle of Agincourt
On October 25, 1415, 3 times outnumbered, the French pursue a tired, sick, and short-food English army. So far, it’s looking pretty good. But the English have a significant strategic advantage: a brain. They put themselves in a narrow place so as not to be overrun and put sharp stakes in front of their lines to peck the legs of the French horses. If the French had been content to wait and cut off the retreat of the English, it was won, but there must have been a turkey in the oven because they rushed. In truth, they are upset because the English start singing to annoy them. It doesn’t take a fucking lot. They then throw themselves like madmen into the ground made muddy by the rain. During this time the English sprinkle them with OKLM arrows, before going to finish them off with their light infantry.
Result: more than 6,000 French dead against just over 100 on the English side. All because they were upset.
3. Cupcake Wars
In 1838, the Mexicans weren’t too happy with the French presence in their country, even though we weren’t going to apologize for wanting to share our culture. Suddenly, they begin to destroy French houses and businesses, which is not necessarily very nice. It’s the ransacking of a patisserie (the building, not the delicious viennoiserie that makes French gastronomy so charming and famous) and the government’s refusal to reimburse that really irritates the French. It is therefore quite logical that they blockade all Mexican ports in the Atlantic. It’s a minimum. We end up stopping when the Mexicans promise to reimburse. Haha, we’re negotiators. Except that blah, since in real life they never paid us, the buggers. So we mobilized the entire French fleet because thugs had smashed the window of a bakery. Luckily we don’t do that anymore during the World Cup.
4. The Battle of the Red Cliff
We are in 208. The state of Cao Cao launches with more than 500,000 men on the Yanghzi river. Opposite, the allied kingdoms of Wu and Shu have barely 50,000 men. But they play it tricky: since Cao Cao’s men are seasick, a spy disguised as one of their soldiers suggests to their general to chain the boats to each other to prevent them from moving too much. Since thinking is for the weak, the big brain that leads Cao Cao’s men thinks it’s a genius idea and his men stop throwing up everywhere. But the men of Wu and Shu immediately send a letter of capitulation, and arrange for the delegation of boats they send to negotiate to be completely inflammable. They burn everything down and Cao Cao’s entire fleet is destroyed.
He will therefore have lost his entire fleet and hundreds of thousands of men because he did not think about the consequences of a possible chaining of his boats.
5. Napo’s Russian retreat
Before his nephew a few years later, Napo the first also weighed in the game of bad decisions. After riding over Europe in just about every war he’s fought, he feels more pissed and thinks he’s yolo, Russia too I’m going to piss me off. He embarks almost 700,000 men just to be sure of his shot. During the first 3 months, the Russians are really pissed off because they have nothing to defend themselves with. So they don’t defend themselves. Logic. Once he arrives in Moscow, there still hasn’t been a real battle, which must be itching for him. And there he realizes something: 700,000 mannos, that must eat. Suddenly, neither one nor two, he returns to France to do the shopping, forgetting another thing: winter in Russia, it is chilly. If we add to that the fact that he still has no food on the return trip, it’s starting to sting. This is when the Russians, who have studied the subject a little more, begin to attack. Result: 380,000 dead, 100,000 prisoners, 50,000 disabled, and a reversal of the balance of power in Europe, all because he attacked without thinking about food.
6. Italy’s invasion of Greece
At the start of WWII, Mussolini was jealous of all the attention Germany was getting and decided to invade someone, no matter who, to show that he too could do it. After spinning the world map, his finger stops on Greece so he goes there. Completely disorganized, with no means of transport or real communication, the Italians also attacked at the start of winter, without really having any food. A Nobel Prize story. It is therefore without too much problem that the Greeks push them back. All this forces Germany to come to the aid of its ally, which slows down the invasion of Russia by a few months, forcing it to take place in winter, which is generally not a great idea.
7. The Battle of Changping
In 260 BC, the Qin state army besieged a fortress in Zhao. Just to be sure, the state of Zhao sends about half a million men to stop them. Seeing them coming, the Qin pretend to mess around and start walking away. Suddenly the Zhao say to themselves that it’s already a bit won and launch themselves like madmen in pursuit of them, leaving their supply behind because it all slows us down, and then do we really need to eat when one is a real good man? Qin’s men who remained hidden take the opportunity to make a huge barbeque and ruin everything. Suddenly, the Zhao, discovering the carnage, begin to think that they may have made a small dumpling, and entrench themselves. Except that when you have nothing to eat or drink, you die. This is what happens 46 days later when they surrender. All. Qin’s general reportedly spared only the 240 youngest soldiers of the Zhao army before burying all the other survivors alive. It makes a big hole.
8. The Battle of Trasimene
In 217 BC, while Hannibal and his army were on an organized trip to the Romans, the Roman general Flaminus arrived with his to check their papers. As soon as his scouts spot 3-4 of them, he swings the whole army to massacre them, after all what could seriously happen? Oh, not much, except that Hannibal had sent most of his army to look for mushrooms in the forest along the battlefield, so we couldn’t see them. They come back by surprise when the Romans can’t back down too much and that’s when the butchery can begin. Out of 30,000 Romans, only 5,000 return home. If he had sent scouts into the forest, the Carthaginians would have returned home without flinching.
9. The Battle of Carrhae
In 53 BC, Crassus, a Roman general, learns that the Parthian army is attacking Armenia. Suddenly, as he has no balls, he takes the opportunity to try to take the rich defenseless Parthian cities with an army of about 40,000 men. When he arrives at Carrhae, one of them, after walking all day in the desert, he comes across 10,000 Parthian horsemen, not quite determined to let him pass. He asks his men to launch a direct attack, when they are exhausted, hungry and thirsty. They could have camped, but no, no time for this bullshit, our minds are elsewhere. So they get kicked out. Towards the end of the battle, they propose to Crassus to negotiate, he accepts but they butt him from behind. In the teeth, without balls.