Top 9 green inventions that are objectively a bit crap

I have a scoop: the planet is in bad shape. It’s crap. All lights are red. It’s time to do something or we’ll all go crazy! There you go, now that it’s said, it’s up to you to act and accept a more environmentally friendly way of life, or to continue your good little selfish fat life who doesn’t give a fuck about anything. (without any judgement, of course). Luckily for us, there are people on this lowland who are struggling to find real solutions for us! Here is the selection of my favorite things, which will change the world, without a doubt (it’s not true).

1. Dumpsters with a “sensual voice”

In order for passers-by to throw their waste in the right bin, the Swedish city of Malmö has decided to make them talk. Inaugurated in 2017, the first device was content to “thank” those who respected the rules of hygiene. Until then, okay. Why not. It changes, it amuses, and it makes the little ones laugh. Cool. They could have stopped there, but no! The technology has been reworked to make voices “feminine and sensual”. From “great, thank you! “, so we go to “OOooOh yes, right there…”, “Mmmmmh, thank you…”, “Oh yes, go ahead, a little more to the left”, etc. Having shitty tastes in trash cans: it’s almost a shame.

2. The solar-powered bra

Tadaaaa, here is the “Photovoltaic-Powered Bra”: a solar-powered bra, created by Triumph at the turn of the 2010s. Discreet, light, and so useful… Right? The idea: allow those who wear a bra to charge their phone or other electronic devices directly on the lingerie. Small pads of water also allow you to quench your thirst while limiting the use of plastic bottles. No matter how hard I search, turn the question over and over again, try to grasp the problem… I don’t understand why this thing wasn’t sold in the end. Really. Do you have an idea?


3. The solar-fan-cap

Summer is going to be scorching, so… What could be better than a great solar-powered fan cap? No, this is not a joke! There is really a great team of engineers who have gathered their strengths to design this must-have (not at all). But between us… What better way to cool off, huh? Ah… Yeah… A fan, yeah… Not stupid.

4. Clean air cans

Yes, you read that right. Some guys said to themselves: “Hey, well, well… And if we sold nothing in cans? Bouarf… All we have to do is say “yeah, it’s pure unpolluted air from the countryside, it’s green” and there will be plenty of badgers to buy this stuff! “. And the worst… They were right. Hundreds of people happily paid £80 (€92) for an empty jar. A really organic thing, since this air was mainly shipped from England to Beijing and Shanghai (nice carbon footprint). Is this supposed to make me laugh or make me cry?

5. “The eco-button”

Function: this button, connected to your computer, allows you to put the machine on standby, by simply pressing it. The idea is therefore to consume a monstrous amount of energy, to gain 10 seconds of time. I don’t know if you knew this, but you can put your computer to sleep by simply going through your main menu. There you go, it’s a little tip like that. Present.

6. The passive/aggressive shower curtain

Elisabeth Buecher, an artist from London, has developed a rather special shower curtain. Basically, after four minutes under water, spikes (plastic) stand, way to make you understand that it is time to clear off. Efficiency ? 0. Let it be said, if we have this, we’re all going to voluntarily run the water for more than 4 minutes to see the thing in action, right? Well in any case, let’s remember that yes, in 2022, being attacked by a venerable shower curtain is totally possible. This world will always amaze me.

7. The “gargoyles”

You’ve probably heard of these things before. “Gargoyles” are balls (plastic, always) sold as alternatives to washing powder. Presented as revolutionary and ecological, it is however only simple balls enclosing low quality ceramic balls, whose effectiveness has never been proven. We are not saying that nothing should be done, we are simply saying that certain organic and natural detergents are more reliable and effective!

8. Cardboard straws

First: this product comes straight from hell. It soaks, clogs, crumbles and decomposes in our glasses. Then, some, like those used in English McDonalds in 2018, are not even recyclable (great green progress, indeed)! Finally, do we really need these things to booze? I leave you to meditate.

A British study published in 2017 estimates that 36.5 billion disposable straws are used each year in the European Union, including 3.2 in France

Posted by The HuffPost on Tuesday, August 6, 2019

9. Reusable kitchen towel

In itself, the idea is good. Washable and reusable paper towels to limit unnecessary waste, that’s a big YES. On the other hand, in terms of “innovation”, we are still a bit far off. No because, overall, it’s nothing but tea towels attached to each other.

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