Living as a couple is already not always easy, but living as a couple with an eco-friendly partner will have to hang on.
Notice to eco-friendly people who feel offended by this top: Don’t be fragile, I wrote this top based 99% on me. Don’t make me laugh, you smell the vermicomposter at full speed.
Notice to people who hate greens and want to use this top as a good way to fuel their dislike: What are you doing there band of bandits, get out of here I don’t want to see you anymore and you out of my sight.
Notice to people who don’t have too many opinions who don’t feel too green but who like Cyril Dion’s haircut: read this top, there are at least two valves per word, not impossible that you make a descent of organ of laughter before reaching the 5th point.
1. Always sort waste
Well in principle you obviously aren’t against it and you even find that people who don’t sort are really jackals but for some waste it’s less obvious. This pot of yoghurt, for example, what do we do with it? And that AA battery? We already told you about it in this top of the waste that we never know how to sort. Nah but your life is clearly a NIGHTMARE IN FACT.
2. You no longer have the right to take out food without bringing your own containers
Result of the races, when you want to make yourself sushi on a Sunday…
– Uh wait what? Did you say “sushi” there? OK then you’re already out.
We take back.
When you want to make yourself a takeaway dish based on organic products from short circuits on Sunday evening, you have to go and freeze your derche outside not only because it is out of the question that you have it delivered (full packaging ecolo master + gauchito) but also because you have to bring your containers back to them so as not to increase your carbon footprint with non-recyclable PET plastic boxes.
3. You can’t buy clothes anymore
Or only second hand.
And that of the purchases in person say therefore, you will not moreover receive your products by the Post office species of animal. Do you know what the carbon footprint of a fold represents? Too bad, all you have to do is take your bike to Rungis to pick up this new second-hand thong in person (made in France, that goes without saying).
4. You can’t afford a cell phone anymore
Already, you’re lucky my friend, your partner is not too radical and allows you to own a laptop. Be grateful. However, you must follow several rules:
– Prohibited from changing your cell phone at a frequency of less than 5 years (if your couple lasts less than this duration, take the opportunity to change your cell phone between two relationships with an eco-friendly person).
– Only buy a refurbished and recycled laptop. Otherwise it’s not even worth going home tonight.
5. You can’t afford a car
No, not even an electric car. Nothing.
A bicycle, you will be entitled to nothing else.
6. You’re not allowed to have a cat
GNAGNAGNAGNA cats are cute. But do you know how many birds cats kill each year? Do you know that cats are an invasive species? And then you intend to feed it with what your cat? And what do you think is in your croquettes? And her litter, do you think it’s biodegradable? So yes I know it’s unfortunate but cats are not green at all.
To this set of unanswerable arguments we can of course respond: “yes, but cats are still too cute”.
To this I will say to you: “YEAH OKÉ JAVOU, but have you already seen the photos of my cat? Because his coat definitely makes you want to die on all our green principles.
7. Whenever you do the dishes there is always a “dishwasher or hand dishes” debate.
Yes because in the end when there are too many dishes, the dishwasher will be recommended but in general when there are only two of you, washing by hand is rather recommended, but the problem is that you don’t have want to do the dishes. So what do we do ? DO WE DO WOW?
8. You have to make compost
Even if you don’t have a garden.
Even if you don’t have a balcony.
You have to carry around a compost bin that stinks of death in your kitchen. And since you’re green but you’re also lazy, you don’t empty that fucking compost bin. After two weeks the pestilential smell invades your entire apartment and there are white maggots overflowing. You are demons.
9. Every time you go shopping you get yelled at.
You were supposed to buy fruit but you took kiwis that came from New Zealand in plastic. You were supposed to buy fruit juice, but you took a brick from the fresh section of the supermarket. You were supposed to buy some percarbonate of soda but you bought a can of “forest-scented” detergent. You were supposed to buy white vinegar but you bought balsamic vinegar.
Go hide, you disgust me.
10. You put on more condoms because it makes extra waste
The problem is that your partner isn’t taking the pill either. So you have sex from a distance. That said, it’s really practical to respect barrier gestures.
11. In winter, you peel your ass because there’s no way to turn on the heating.
No problemo the thermometer at 12°C in the living room. Either way, the cold is invigorating. And then at worst you throw a little survival blanket over your knees and it goes cream.
12. Overall, there are fewer and fewer friends you are allowed to hang out with.
Either because they offer you to go have a drink on a heated terrace.
Either because they offer you to spend the Christmas holidays in Thailand.
Either because they cooked you a tomato salad in the middle of winter.
Oh the fools! the unconscious! But can someone explain to them?
13. There is a 2m x 3.5m poster of Greta Thunberg in your bedroom.
And frankly, it’s kind of weird to have the face of a teenage girl you don’t know sitting on top of where you do most of your lovemaking.
14. In the evening you are no longer allowed to watch movies on Netflix
No, but how are you? Do you know how much energy Netflix sucks? Streaming video is the dregs of green guys.
So instead, you can watch all of Jean-Marc Jancovici’s Mines conferences in low definition on Youtube.
15. “Christmas”? HAHAHA LET ME LAUGH. You mean this party of capitalists screwed to the nipples of the patriarchal-thermo-industrial society?
Well, you got it, when your guy or your girlfriend is a real green guy, you can forget about Christmas gifts. And on the foie gras. And on the stuffed turkey. And on the tree. And on the Christmas decorations.
On the other hand, you can always try to break the codes by offering him a homemade ecological gift or a donation for an association. YAY. Partyyyyy.
16. The other day he/she lectured a teenager for two hours who was buying a pair of sneakers.
The poor kid ended up going home blubbering because he had been accused of being a modern-day slaver by contributing to an industry that employed children half his age. Here he is traumatized.
17. You have the right to smoke cigarettes but you have to recycle your filters yourself
18. Your clothes don’t smell like the right chemical detergent when you put them in the washing machine.
Because using chemicals in your home is simply out of the question. We manufacture your household products yourself. It costs a lot less and it does not pollute. OK great, but say goodbye to that deliciously carcinogenic smell that pervades mum’s good laundry.
19. Your balcony has been invaded by plants
But they are half-living, half-dying plants, because as green as your partner is, he/she doesn’t have a green thumb. It might be worth taking a look at our tips for decorating your balcony.
Luckily you have a comic about gardening. Yeah because even your partner’s comics only choose them based on their ecological value. Titeuf and Spirou gave way to Brown Season by Philippe Squarzoni or Small treatise on wild ecology by Antonio Pignocchi.
20. I hope you have good memories of distant landscapes, because air travel is over now.
Oh yeah. The plane being the most polluting means of transport, it is to be excluded from your travel options. Don’t even hope to take advantage of a Paris/Madrid plane trip at 20 euros, it’s DEAD. You’ll take me a night train fissa, or a 10 p.m. bus, balec.
21. The smallest purchase requires a discussion and an investigation of several days on the origins of this object and the carbon impact of its purchase
Tragedy in 4 sentences of life as a couple with an ecologist. Act I, scene 1
– But… I just wanted to buy an oven because ours is broken!
– Yes, but we have to fix it ourselves.
– OK, but do you know how to repair an oven?
22. You won’t have a child like that by snapping your fingers, no but oh, and then what?
Uh you are not aware that having children is not green? So yes OK as long as there is hope gnagnagna, and then the most important thing is above all to educate our children in an eco-friendly way blablabla and then anyway if everyone has children, why do we have them? not as grumpy. Put away this fertility that I cannot see.
23. You were very proud to change your electricity supplier and pay more for your bill with your new green energy supplier
But that was until your partner gave you a whole spiel about so-called “green” or “clean” energies, which also pollute in a less visible way. And then you put the famous nuclear debate back on the table. You thought you were a super good ecologist by shitting on nuclear power, he or she thinks on the contrary that nuclear power is a lesser harm to the climate emergency and here we go again for 3 hours of debate with a bang Jean-Marc Jancovici in the face. The easiest way is to cancel your electricity subscription so no fuss, it will be dark but hey, with a flashlight it does.
24. Now you get a lot of nonsense remarks
It’s normal. Ecology, although increasingly popular, remains obscure to quite a few people who will throw out a plethora of strange remarks, the understanding of which is a luxury that you will certainly not be able to afford…” Here, you who are green, you should put hydroalcoholic gel on your hands ”, “Do you eat more foie gras? Ah well, okay, you’re doing your Parisienne”, “Ah, you don’t fly anymore? Well, I use my SUV to get bread at the end of my street and I don’t care, come and get me”, “Anyway, ecologists are just sores and company”. BRIEF. We are sometimes misunderstood, you know.
25. Your library is full of really depressing books.
How can everything fall apart? by Pablo Servigne and Raphael Stevens, The Greatest Challenge in Human History – Facing Ecological and Social Catastrophe by Aurelien Barrau, Collapse from Jared Diamonds or…
And then I’m not talking to you about all the books with “lighter” titles that still screw up the drone.
And then I’m not even talking about the books that your partner has written himself…
YEAH THE AUTHOR OF THIS TOP IS PROMOTING HER BOOK, YA KOUA?