“I believe that love stories are like train journeys, and when I see all these travellers, sometimes I would like to be one” said Grand Corps Malade in one of his slams. YEAH, BAH CALM YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY FABIEN. Train travel isn’t just love, huh. It is above all a succession of awkward moments. Go ahead, get on your train, and tell me what you thought of it afterwards. Dare to tell me that you have not experienced any of these 21 moments of loneliness. Dare it.
1. When you’re watching a movie and there’s a sex scene
Then you meet the accusing gaze of the guy sitting next to you, of the old woman who was crossing the hallway at that moment, before realizing that your screen is reflected in the glass and that a dozen people are posing eyes of contempt upon you. A piece of advice, turn up the sound, lower your eyes, and don’t justify yourself in anything. It could get even more awkward.
2. When you need to pee and your neighbor is sleeping
Hallway side, of course, otherwise it’s not funny. Two techniques are available to you: wait, and take the risk of getting hurt. Step over the person who is snoring peacefully with great skill. Either, he does not pick up anything, and it is well done. Either, he opens his eyes when you’re squatting in the air, one foot on your armrest, the other on his. A long moment of loneliness and incomprehension will follow. Courage.
3. When you pee every 30 minutes and bother him 15 times on the trip, by the way
“Excuse me, sorry”, “Oops, I’m going to have to bother you again”, “My deepest apologies, I have to go back”, “I definitely have a tiny little bladder, hihihihi”, “Do you believe me if I tell you that I still need to go to the bathroom?” »,… Do not worry, the situation will quickly become as awkward for you as for your neighbor. Also works for the time you take the still-dead train from the night before, and go to the toilet to vomit. The only difference is the smell you carry around on your way back.
4. When you sneeze a little too hard and bite your fingers
Of course, this is the time when you don’t have any tissues and when you dare not ask for them. The armrests still hate you.
5. When you drop a box and your neighbor takes you to task to find where it came from
The only solution to get out of it: get into his game. Don’t hesitate to make a big deal out of it. Finally… “Crates”…
6. When your neighbor starts talking politics to you
Ultimately, if it’s to talk about the left by making hearts with your hands, why not. But if it’s to cry over the failure of Zemmour… It’s going to be long. Very long.
7. When the couple in front of you in the square starts to get a little too close
Love is beautiful. But when people live it quietly, at home, on their sofa or on their kitchen table for the more adventurous. On the other hand, on the train seat in front of my face, no. Please. Respect me. Let me listen to my “On the rails again” playlist, thinking about my rotten single life, finger deep in my right nostril. Thanks.
8. And you see them go to the toilet together
….. He must have left to hold the door for her… Or something else… No, the door. It’s certain…. It’s long, all the same, 15 minutes for a pee… Maybe they’re playing cards?
9. When you eat the suitcase rack in your head
It’s a huge boom, everyone turns to you with a half-worried, half-amused look. For your part, you collapse in your seat, laughing to hide your tears, one hand resting on your forehead to feel this beautiful bump grow quietly.
10. When your bad bag falls on your neighbor right below
WOUPSIE. How’s it going sir ? Why are you playing dead?
11. When you’re eating an egg sandwich and everyone is staring at you.
Report to the fact that it stinks of old fart and that it literally smells of the whole car.
12. When you have to tell the person they belong to you
Window side, direction of travel, of course. Yeah yeah. Act like you didn’t do it on purpose, yeah.
13. When someone points out that you’re in the wrong place
Well yeah, but hey… There was no one next to the window, in the direction of travel. How come I did it on purpose? Really not, huh. To err is human, right? Take it back, your totally useless place. ME ? DISHONEST ? Ah bah… I will have heard everything.
14. When you wake up and realize you drooled in your sleep.
Which necessarily means that you slept with your mouth wide open, your head back. Inevitably, when you imagine the spectacle that you offered to the guy next door for 1h30, you are not ultra comfortable.
15. When you kick your neighbor’s foot several times and he thinks you want the pickle
Once it happens. Twice is a bit boring, but that’s OK. Three times is clearly suspicious. After 4, don’t be surprised if you get the contents of a bottle of water in your face.
16. When the couple’s kid across the street comes to stroke your hair and they let him.
You really want to tell this little being that it’s probably nice, but it’s not done. How deeply embarrassing. That you would like him to stop this quickly. Very quickly. Before you kick him in the corner. But parents find it A-DO-RABLE. So you smile, and you take it upon yourself. Don’t hesitate to cough a little, to freak out the parents. On a misunderstanding… They could end up pushing their offspring away from you.
17. When the controller wants your ticket, but your phone bugs
Immediately, you imagine the moment when you are going to get a nasty fine for not having a ticket. While you have it. That it’s going to be fine. That your phone will come to its senses. And that everything is going to end well. Go on. Stop sweating profusely, it’s getting suspicious.
18. When you walk in a train car and a bend makes you fall like shit on a passenger
Since you’re standing, and he’s sitting: either he takes your ass in the face, or he ends up in your cleavage. Either way, it’s intensely embarrassing. For the passenger as for you. It doesn’t matter your sex, your gender, your sexual orientation and those of the stranger. We have never heard of a story of two best friends who hit it off that way. It’s not for nothing.
19. When you ask to swap places with a passenger
Because you refused to pay extra to choose your seat, but you still want to spend the 7 hours of intercity next to your boyfriend. You know for a fact that you have a busted seat, opposite direction of travel, on the aisle side, next to a person who smells particularly bad, and that you are screwing up the trip of the nice person who does you a favor. You’re embarrassed, and you’re right to be. Selfish old man, come on.
20. When you fight a terrible armrest war
Two seats, one central armrest. This trick is designed to give rise to scenes of intense elbow fights, and amuse the gallery. I don’t see any other explanation.
21. When you’re queuing to get out and you’re right at the airlock door
The nice little automatic door that closes on your face every 30 seconds. You only have to take a look behind you to see the amused grin of the guy who has been watching the scene for 2 minutes. It’s long, two minutes, huh?
22. Bonus: when you forget to mind the gap between the train and the platform
Getting off the train is more glam than sprawling out on the platform.