Hello friends, it’s time for the top tweets on Monday noon! I know you need your dose of valves and good vibes to start the week off right. The good news is that’s what we’re here for: here are the best tweets from our favorite tweeters, those who have a real talent for telling anecdotes and making us laugh.

MONDAY 9

1. It wasn’t so fun after all

??I’m selling two places for the ferry Wednesday Thursday at 2 p.m. (seated place)??

— axel-brnd (@AxelBrnd) May 9, 2022

2. Too good idea

There’s a friend he told me to buy bitcoin in 2013 luckily I didn’t listen to him seeing how it’s going down right now

“PLG?” (@PulgaCrypto) May 9, 2022

3. They’re not funny

I remember the first time I ate with my girlfriend’s family.

At one point his father said: “There are films it’s impossible to finish them in one go, they’re so long.”

I answered: “Yes the cellophane for example.”

They looked at me strangely.

— Honestly (@Jai_PasUnderstood) May 9, 2022

4. Oh yes, King Dagobert excites me

an ex told me one day in an effort to seduce “I’m going to take you up to the seventh century…” mdr super bro I love clovis the merovingians etc

— lisouille the scoundrel (@lisouille_p) May 9, 2022

5. We don’t want your love mom

6. You will give us a summary

I’ve been reading Proust for a few days, it’s fascinating, I can’t wait to get to the second sentence

“Lizzy Bryn?” (@lizzybrynn) May 9, 2022

TUESDAY 10

7. But it’s too early to make a choice

8. “I’m going to freak out if you have to remember anything in Avatar 1 to be able to watch Avatar 2”

I will fucking lose it if anything in Avatar 2 requires us to remember anything in Avatar 1.

—Alex Baze (@bazecraze) May 10, 2022

9. Really, not sure

I am thinking very much of the high school students who are starting their baccalaureate tomorrow.
For those who have not worked a lot, give everything, on a misunderstanding, it can pass.

— Samuel Etienne (@SamuelEtienne) May 10, 2022

10. All the promos have said that since the creation of the baccalaureate

The 2004 we are really brave we passed the patent in a heat wave, the French baccalaureate under 38 degrees, we are going to pass the special baccalaureate under 30 degrees monsters sah

— ???? (@kuyr94) May 10, 2022

11. His mother is a bit stupid, isn’t he?

Sorry to interrupt your day with an unimportant info but my mother pronounces “Doudou list”.

— Sam (@Samparlebien) May 10, 2022

WEDNESDAY 11

12. “Things I miss from high school: – Fighting at 7 a.m. That’s all”

things i miss from high school

1. fights at 7 am

that’s all

“Brian?” (@briantheruller) May 11, 2022

13. The elephant: eeeeeeelephant (I think)

Me: Don’t stop pokemon saying their name, it’s n’imp’, imagine if the animals shouted their name like that pfff hahaha
The cuckoo: cuckoo

— Villain (The) (@LeVilainBD) May 11, 2022

14. Childhood Trauma

15. Even better to wave

imagine you ask student X to move back to class DISCREETLY, UNNOTICED IN CLASS when he returns from the toilets and the bug decides to enter “discreetly” in class by …. CRAWLING

— bad karma? (@animamexspiro) May 11, 2022

16. Yum yum

My daughter was super quiet. Isn’t I finding her in the kitchen eating maggi cube?

— ????? ??? ?? ???? (@ineskirah) May 11, 2022

THURSDAY 12

17. She’s Right

If there is an example to follow in life, I think it’s my kid’s, currently in princess slip-shoes in front of the TV, eating cookies, putting aside the pieces without chocolate chips because “it’s for nothing to eat that”

— Master Gustav (@MaitreGustav) May 12, 2022

18. It can happen to anyone actually…

Hey, what’s that soft stuff in my purse? A lump of butter. That I forgot to put in the fridge last night.

—Lola Spun (@LSpun) May 12, 2022

19. Too Cute

My daughter eats her chocolate bars. I ask him :
– Aren’t they too melted?
– Nope. They taste like sunshine.

—July Pizette (@JuliePezet) May 12, 2022

20. A good calculation for a 6th grade class

21. The famous Bite Teub road

FRIDAY 13

22. “At my funeral, take the bouquet from the casket and toss it into the crowd to see who’s next.”

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

— Margo Howard (@Margoandhow) May 12, 2022

23. They are hypnotized every time

24. “All cars can be Teslas if you look at your iPad instead of the road”

Any car is a Tesla if you look at your iPad instead of the road

— Jared Goldstein (@heyjaredhey) May 13, 2022

25. To put the family to shame

don’t play music at my funeral just a spotify ad

— egar (@le_egar) May 14, 2022

SATURDAY 14

28. Be careful not to get flashed by the POLICE lol

SUNDAY 15

30. It always has its little effect

I filled an empty vodka bottle with water for my train because I had no other container & no time to buy any. I had totally forgotten that there was a label on the bottle so I unsheathed it to whistle half of it in front of the dumbfounded gaze of the passengers??

—? (@madamebretzel) May 14, 2022

31. Take Note

-Have a remote controlled vibrator buttplug
-Go to exam
– Receive responses in Morse code

— CSR (@Esorette) May 14, 2022

32. Infinite Sadness

the most humiliating moment of my life (the girl next to me on the subway was on tinder and I saw her swipe me to the left

— sexy knitter (@debil0s) May 15, 2022

Top 20+ tweets that made us laugh this week #438