If you watched yesterday’s match (PSG-Real, first leg of the Champions League round of 16 for those who don’t follow anything), or even if you don’t know anything about football, you know very well that Mbappé is an angel descended from heaven, for French football, but especially for Parisian supporters.
He managed to give Paris what they deserved since the start of the match against Real: a great victory, with a magnificent goal scored in the last moments of added time.
Mbappé is decisive in Parisian victories, and frankly we can say it, he is currently the best player in the world. So yes, the Parisians are very, very afraid that he will leave, and perhaps even football fans who are not haters and who appreciate having such a good game in Ligue 1.
We would do ANYTHING to make sure he stays as long as possible, some came close to having a tachycardia attack when he mentioned Real… Steuplé Kyky, if you see this top, you know how devoted your French public is to you and is ready to sell father and mother for your little face.
1. To say that Zemmour is a bit handsome in real life (for you Kyky, we assume our tastes)
“Not too close, and with some light, I swear he’s not that bad”, these words tear your mouth out, (or maybe you found Zemmour super sexy from the start… we don’t judge (lol if we judge seriously)), but if it’s a question of selling your dignity to keep Mbappé at home we do. Either way, think for a second: you already have no dignity, so you have nothing to lose.
2. Watch 3 episodes of Deal Closed in a row
It seems that in some prisons where torture is still practised, the guards lock the detainees in rooms and broadcast them episodes of Affaire concluded on a loop, with the volume turned up (information from a reliable source, but I will not say who) .
Can you imagine watching three episodes of 45 minutes each, where people who nobody cares about try to sell old disgusting paintings that have been lying around in their living room for 36 years? Yes, close your eyes and imagine that for just two seconds (especially not more because you might have a panic attack).
3. Read the Twilight Saga every night, really every night
6 books of at least 500 pages, when you are usually too lazy to read the whole menu when you are at the restaurant, it will be a real challenge. In addition, overall, it’s about a girl who falls in love with a guy who has never seen the sun, in short, it’s not a dream. And yet for the face of Mbappé, and especially for his genius, you would be ready to do it, bunch of crazy people.
4. Wear snow jeans every day
What are snow jeans? No, it’s not the French double of John Snow. It’s probably the biggest fashion faux pas you could make in your life. One day, a candidate for the Queens of shopping presented herself with snow jeans at the parade, and the same evening Cristina Cordula went to raid her house to burn her wardrobe (true story, I swear).
All the days of a life, I didn’t count, but I know it’s a lot. However, when one has real devotion, one goes all the way.
5. Sell father and mother, but for real
We have often heard “he/she would be ready to sell father and mother to get what he/she wants”. Generally it means someone not very cool, ready to do anything to achieve his ends, even betray those who gave birth to him. But when you say that kind of thing about someone, it’s never really true, you’ve never seen “lot of nice parents” on Vinted or Leboncoin.
Now tell yourself that you are in a dilemma, Mbappé remains in Paris, but you have to sell your father and your mother. We already know your answer: you will take your parents to Affaire Conclue that very evening to get the best price. Don’t worry, we’re not judging you.
6. Order sparkling water at the bar, for life
If you don’t drink alcohol, and that’s fine, but you still enjoy hanging out with your friends at the bar, you never order sparkling water. You take a non-alcoholic cocktail, or at the limit a coke, but not water with bubbles. Because yes, we remember sparkling water is just water with bubbles. Are you really going to pay 4 bucks for water?? Yes you will…
Even worse if you’re a drunk and used to drinking all the time. In both cases it is a very, very great sacrifice and the assurance of depriving ourselves of many pleasures that life offers us, but we would be ready to do it.
7. Wearing the OM jersey at our wedding
If you’re an avid Parisian fan, this may be the ultimate sacrifice. And even if you support OM, I think you would agree that wearing an OM shirt, or any club for that matter, at your wedding is not the best idea. (unless you’re a big redneck and you plan to get married in Lacoste-TN, which I admire).
However, we are brave, and Kyky’s development in this beautiful Parisian club is surely worth more than a marriage which will end in divorce anyway.
8. Take Domenech as a coach
We remember Domenech as the guy who totally screwed up the Euros in 2008, the Blues were eliminated in the first round, and after that the guy found nothing better than to make a marriage proposal during a show (really Raymond, think about it…). We also partly owe him the fiasco of the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Here, overall Domenech is not the most popular guy in France, not the best coach we have known either.
Too bad, we’re ready for anything we told you.
9. Eat at the poorly lit local kebab
You saw two sated rats come out of that kebab last night, saying to each other, “Biggy sauce isn’t bad, but I’ll have something else next time.” The canteen dishes are a Michelin-starred restaurant next to that.
In short, eating there is a bit like signing your death warrant (or just shit soft for 1 week, and it’s almost more sucky when you think about it), you’ll have pigeon in your kebab and piss in your coke… you can die for the beauty of sport, and that’s actually the real moral of the story.
10. Licking the subway bar (in real life you’ve already done it)
Plus it’s not very Covid and everyone will judge you. Licking the subway bar is a bit like donating your body to science, you will develop unknown diseases, and perhaps advance science.
So you save Mbappé and you also advance medicine, we don’t say it enough, but you are a nice guy.
11. Tell my mom I broke the living room tile in 2003
And be deprived of dessert for life? Yes, I know it’s very hard, surely worse than licking the subway bar. Especially since you had accused your little brother Romuald who had taken it seriously and had his DS confiscated for life.
After little Roro’s cries and your mother’s annoyance, who finally decided to lay carpet all over the living room, you never assumed your guilt. Well this is the big moment, and it’s for a good cause.
12. Bring Messi back to the border ourselves
The good little Messi has caused us all a lot of pain since his arrival at PSG. He can’t adapt to the Parisian format, and is well below his level.
Everyone was delighted with his arrival, especially the Parisians, today we dare not regret because it is still Messi, but we cannot say that he regales us. Just yesterday’s meeting with Real, a saved penalty, failed attempts and a lack of accuracy, Messi shows us that he is not yet in top form.
And since we are intransigent, why not bring it back to the border ourselves in the back of our Clio 2? To make Mbappé shine even more, but he doesn’t really need us for that.
13. And replace it with Mitroglou
Ok, we go even further in the delirium, after having thrown Léo like a mess at the Spanish border, we take a little trip to Greece still on board note Clio 2 and we return Mitroglou to PSG.
Yeah you’re really going to spend gas and time on this guy who’s preventing his own team from scoring (remember OM…), but you have no choice because otherwise it’s Mbappé who us quits. This is all fictitious, but imagine anyway.
14. Bathe in the Seine every morning
Otherwise, in the list of boring things that we would be ready to do, there is also the classic swimming in the Seine. Except that, in addition to bathing in disgusting water full of corpses and bicycles, you have to go there in the morning.
But not in the morning at 2 p.m. (I see you coming), very early in the morning, when it’s still cold, like 6 a.m. Look on the bright side, there will be fewer people to watch your little daily swim, so in real life, it’s done.
15. Tattoo “I love U Kyllian Aimbapé” on the forehead
And if that stupid tattoo artist refuses, you steal his needle and do it yourself.
On your forehead and with mistakes because otherwise it doesn’t count. Either we are ready for anything, or we are ready for anything, there is no other choice in fact.
16. Move to Dunkirk
In the cold and the greyness, and the only funny thing is a carnival that is canceled all the time because of the health crisis.
Even the name is depressing, so you’re going to leave your little Parisian loft on the banks of the Seine for this very sad city (I’m kidding, in reality you live in a maid’s room with a toilet on the landing, just above a butcher’s) .
17. Eating rocks, the sharp ones too
Nobody likes pebble beaches (and if you want to know how to be well rested on a beach, check it out) and we like eating pebbles even less.
So imagine eating pebbles, it’s the same thing but worse… it hurts your teeth, it drags on the floor, we still prefer to eat 1 kg of coriander. Maaaais we will not have said it enough in this top, nothing is too good for Mbappé (yes it has no relation).
18. Buy a Nokia 3310
You’ve gotten used to your beautiful iPhone 17-4k screen-voice control-computer-car, we know that… too bad for you, because for the future of French football you have to give it up to reconnect with the mythical Nokia 3310.
So maybe it will be possible for you to become a drug lord with this untraceable and unbreakable object.
19. No longer watch the matches on TV, but only listen to them on the radio like the old fashioned way
It has its charm, but it’s still really less good than having the images.
Imagine reliving yesterday’s incredible match without having the images… it’s super frustrating, or worse, the World Cup final without seeing any goals but just hearing the euphoria of a guy who is in living his best life.
20. Assemble the Ikea furniture of all his friends
Already we refuse to help our friends with their move, so help them assemble their Ikea furniture, rather die with their mouths open.
But dying with your mouth open is less worse than having to suffer the departure of Mbappé, so here we make an exception, and we try to differentiate the Sölkkja chair from the Pælikrfsö table, making sure we have all the right tools… yeah, good luck.