The first name is a really unfair thing. Already we don’t choose it, then everyone thinks something about it, finally it follows us all our life. In addition, to change a letter in his first name or pass his second first, you have to pay 1,000 balls for administrative costs. At the same time, being called Kvin instead of Kevin is not very useful. Watch out super villain.
1. Kévin, budding redneck
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Yes Kevin, too from the US: made on a Mobeco sofa in front of an episode of Beverly Hills in 92, he will spend his life at the McDo in Haye-lès-Roses where he will learn what it is to be obese and rejected of the football club. (In truth, we’re thinking of you Kevins, we know it’s not easy.)
2. Jacquie, senior redneck
“Colonel cut, I’m going to take a colonel cut, a colonel cut!” repeats uncle Jacquie for 25 minutes and 25 years already, licking the vodka around the lemon ice cream. Then comes the joke of the two p**** who…
3. Thierry, the guy who works at La Défense
Thierry is a serious guy. Never an hour of glue, never a note below 12, never a note above 16, never a clothes other than blue, black or white. Thierry votes right out of necessity, but likes Bayrou. Thierry has a grandfather who has gout. Thierry is irremediably boring. Thierry’s wife cheats on him with his best friend, Christian. On this day when they hesitated between Scrabble and the annual picnic, Thierry’s parents should have made word count triple with fornication.
4. Corinne, accounting
Corinne went from secretarial work to accounting thanks to a professional training module that she was able to put into practice at the French Federation of Disabled Sports Clubs in 2006. In addition to the added value on salary, the change allows her to attend committee meetings and “put your two cents in” as she likes to say. Corinne considers herself a itching powder. Corinne talks about the Bison Futé screenings starting at 4 p.m. Every day. Stop giving us little Corinne, please.
5. Marguerite, the girl too posey
Marguerite smokes bedos from 8 am until midnight every day. She has a yellow skirt with orange patterns and her parents are very open to her desire to go to art school. Marguerite is forty years old. Marguerite hasn’t had a job for a while, but she takes up photography. Marguerite is on an anti-depressant. Marguerite is called that because her grandmother, who disowned her when she went out with a girl in college. She thinks she is happy but is wrong, she will even smile at puns with her first name.
6. Natacha, the luxury escort
Natacha is a borrowed first name on call girl sites. To call her daughter Natacha is to expose her to incessant requests to know her real first name. This tragic fate may not be unrelated to her nickname in primary school: pussy mats.
7. Patrick, the huge loser
All the known Patricks are losers, except Modiano (but he’s a little Italian), Dewaere (but he’s dead) and Vieira (but he’s black). Topaloff, Bosso, Sebastien, Sabatier, Poivre d’Arvor, Balkany, Devedjian, Timsit, Henry, de Carolis, Hernandez, Dills, Bruel, Bouchitey, Cohen, Fiori, Juvet, Le Lay, don’t look, ALL.
8. Francky, the friendly West Indian
We’re having fun with Francky, ah this sun that brings us back! Francky is a flytrap with racist jokes.
9. Cedric, the victim
Victor, stop hitting Cedric’s head with that stone and apologize for putting his head in the toilet before flushing! You’re not going to start again like last year, when we had to leave him in hospital for 2 months, shit! Come on, say sorry.
10. Thérèse, the stuck catho
Thérèse feels persecuted in her religion, but she is careful not to say so, preferring to keep everything to herself, since nothing more can be said, by her and by God, and her little bun attests to this, that she’s a virgin, even though she’s 40, she hasn’t found the right one yet, but it will come, God told her, when she was masturbating thinking about him, but let’s drive that thought away. She has a rotten first name, just like her life.
11. Joel, the notorious alcoholic
Everyone thinks Joël was born in Brittany. Joël was not born in Brittany, but he may have been born in a bistro. Time to put on a pint, Joel has already whistled four, and he prefers to isolate himself at the counter to continue his quiet murge, more calm. Joel will die at 40.
12. Yoann, the guy who succeeds better than everyone else
Yoann was popular in college, then popular in high school, then popular in college, then thesis with honors. Yoann is blond, he is 1.88m tall, which is neither too tall nor too short. He likes to drink and smokes a little, Yoann, but his health is not in danger. Yoann has found a job thanks to his charm, in an association that has money, and a surprisingly cheap apartment for the neighborhood. We would like to hate Yoann, but Yoann is always nice.
13. Christèle is a cashier
At the Leclerc checkout, one queue is longer than the others: that of Christèle, who is chatting with her girlfriend about what Christophe told her last week. The queue grows impatient, but Christèle has not finished. She details her evening at the Flunch by beeping the yogurt packets twice instead of once.
14. Pierre-Yves is a sound engineer
Pierre-Yves did a bit of guitar, an English course, then he started working as a sound engineer. It suits him well workit is sympatheticand then sometimes it makes nice meets, Pierre-Yves, who says “call me Pierre” and everyone calls Yves. Fiori WANTS it for his next record.
15. Liza, too hype
Damn, the new The Kooples collection is HORROR, plus I’ve read that they manufacture in the same factories as Comptoir, where there’s gluten, they abuse it TOO MUCH! Liza was picked up AGAIN by Louis Garrel at the party the other day – he’s HEAVY!
16. Nestor, the Servant
For 38 years that he has served Monsieur, Nestor has seen a lot, heard a lot, but he will say nothing. He is attached to Monsieur and his family. Nestor personally takes care of the renovation of the West wing of the castle when Mr. goes on vacation, because Mr. likes calm and would not support work during the year. Nestor was born in this castle, and Berthe, the governess, affirms that he never left it. Nestor is offended by such allegations.
17. Myriam, the good friend
How nice she can be, Myriam. Always there to help, keep the cats during the holidays, take care of the kids so that we can have a romantic outing, lend us his car. Always there, sacred Myriam, sacred you, huh, how much friendship? 15 years? 15 years since Myriam has been madly in love with you and you pretend you don’t know it.
18. Ulysse, the guy who works in an agency
Yeah, yeah, Ulysses works for a digital content agency, yeah yeah, absolutely, digital, with a good little potential, yeah, 100K page views, but above all it’s a human adventure, we’re having fun, we set up a ping-pong table for lunch breaks, yeah, yeah, ping-pong, yeah, cool. We’re all going to go to Lozère together in a house this summer, yeah, it’s not the office, it’s the family, you see, yeah. I have no friends outside, you see, yeah, yeah.
19. Michel, the singer on the return
Michel was a singer (he released two 45s in 74 and 78), before choosing door-to-door sales. For 30 years, he scoured the roads of France to deliver vacuum cleaners. Now he has savings, and wants to afford a last stand. A tour, on its region, the Cher: some dates. In secret, he re-orchestrated his songs (it’s amazing what you can do with a computer these days), and hopes his audience won’t forget him.