“Umbrella, nm: Portable object consisting of a fabric stretched over a folding frame with a handle, and which serves as a shelter against the rain. » BUT OF COURSE ! Umbrella = object straight from hell, means of torture number one to make anyone lose their calm and remind you that life is more a big tornado of rain in your face than a long quiet river. Yeah, it’s ugly and it’s stretching me a little, yeah. What are you going to do ?
The umbrella that flips over at the slightest gust of wind
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So you try to move forward by tilting it so as to face the wind, which undoubtedly uncovers a part of your body, and which completely cancels out the primary use of the umbrella: to protect you from the rain. Nice. Already exhausted and embittered after this first point. It will be long.
The one that’s too small to share (but you try anyway)
Because you’re a gallant, nice and considerate person who doesn’t want to let his/her friend ruin his haircut and catch a cold. Result: you shelter it, but you are expensive. You come home with a whole side soaked and the urge to fuck yourself in a ball in a corner insulting the god of rain very loudly. Friendship is beautiful, though.
The umbrella that stays with you, the only day it floats
Because the weather took you for a ham.
…And the one you carry around all day, when it doesn’t rain a drop
Because the weather took you for a ham. Still. Mr and Mrs “Toilamétéo” have a son, what is his name? Nick.
The moment you pass someone on a narrow sidewalk
That of course, he’s a medium to tall person, whose eye height is about the same height as your umbrella, and you go a hair’s breadth from a beard, from shading him .
… Or that you come across another umbrella, on the same narrow sidewalk
And let a merciless war begin. It’s the moment when your ego swells for no reason, when you think you own this sidewalk, and when you categorically refuse to move a micro centimeter so that the passage is done without difficulty. Scientifically inexplicable fact: the person opposite is struck by the same phenomenon. The umbrella collision is therefore inevitable. It sucks, but deserved.
The one that literally drops you on the face
Because one of the little bitonials has taken off, and the canvas is gaping in one place. You can reset the mess, it rarely takes more than 30 seconds. You end up resigning yourself and accepting the idea that no, you won’t come out of this rainy trip unscathed.
The moment you try to find the keys in your bag, but one of your hands is busy holding it
So you try the perilous technique of resting it on your shoulder. A very bad idea since, according to the hard laws of mathematics, the new inclination of your umbrella induces that it drips directly into your lower back.
The moment you can’t close it because of its poop mechanism
And let half of the fleet that was left on it crash into your face.
… Or to open it, again because of its poop mechanism
And that finally, the time to achieve it, you end up soaked, which makes its usefulness quite less.
The little skin of the thumb that gets stuck in the bitonial of the handle
Rated 12/10 on the pain scale, just below the little toe that meets the corner of the couch.
The fact that you collect umbrellas forgotten at home to the point that you don’t know what to fuck
BUT DON’T YOU THINK TO TAKE ONE IN YOUR BAG ON RAINY DAYS, DAMN!!!
… Or conversely, that you literally lose it after one use, every time
Which absolutely justifies the fact that you never spend more than 5 bucks for an umbrella.
The low-quality umbrella, which threatens to die any minute
Justified in every way by the fact that you never spend more than 5 bucks for an umbrella.
The moment you open it indoors and some moron tells you it’s gonna bring you bad luck
“Eulolololo don’t do that, it’s bad luck!! Té un ouf”: clearly something that only idiots say. Leave us alone with our 20 years of misfortune.
When you have a backpack
…Who ends up soaked because he sticks out. As the great Helmut Fritz said, ” It annoys me. Yes, it annoys me. ».
The moment you realize that there is a humorous type inscription on it
But a low-level type of humor that is not very funny. Humor “feet in the water”, what. “Sulky and capricious, like the weather” trolololol. Luckily we found some of the nicest ones for you, huh! Original umbrellas to pass between the drops and struggle with class.
The creepy moment when you don’t know where to put your wet thing
So you stuff it in your bag, completely forgetting that your new book and your letter of resignation are also there. A beautiful day begins.
Bonus: when you forget to open it (don’t be smart)
You should really explain to this gentleman that it can’t be used like that…