Tuesday January 16, 2024, Emmanuel Macron gave us a traditional little press conference at the start of the year. YAY. Two and a half hours of questions/answers, a lot of wind blowing and a wording that did not go unnoticed. As part of the fight against infertility (and by being part of an ultra-natalist policy dear to good old France) Mr. President notes that in terms of births, we are squarely in the sauce (the level has not never been this low since the Second World War). But do not panic ! Manu Mac's has a great plan to save us all by “demographically rearming” the country. Luckily, and because I have an uncle who works with the cousin of the son of the Prime Minister's secretary's neighbor, I had access before anyone else to the key measures that will be put in place. It's heavy (like a 5 kg baby).
Launch the “one beer bought, one beer free” offer to maximize evening drinks with drunk people
We are less careful about the quality of what we put in our stake when we have 4g in each arm.
Make Tinder and Bumble the new TousAntiCovid and make them compulsory
The most active members with nearly 250 swipes per day will also receive a 15% tax reduction. It's a gift !
Replacing the pill with Tic-Tacs will save you a lot of money
And like that, the girls will finally stop complaining that they are depressed, and we will solve mental health problems at the same time. Practice 2 in 1, eh!
Selling boxes of condoms at exorbitant prices
Yes, inflation affects all areas, poor fuckers that we are.
Give 100 euros to everyone who calls their ex
Today, we no longer have time to deal with the resentments of the past, we must move forward and copulate. Did she have a beautiful nose? He wasn't balding yet? Well go for it, what are you waiting for?! We can't let genes like that slip past us!
Authorize the exchange of one's house with that of a billionaire in the event of the birth of quintuplets
With presentation of the Legion of Honor, because exploits like that must be celebrated in a big way, they must be acclaimed, they must be encouraged. On the other hand, for twins, we only offer one free parking space near the accommodation to park the Scénic.
Eliminate social assistance for women who study and want a career
Because it's well known, the more women study, the less shit they want. So we might as well deal with the problem at the source and prevent them from learning directly. And then at the same time, they are forbidden from working, so their only source of distraction is having kids! Big brain.
Draw lots for couples who are due to become parents within the year
And invent bogus traditions like “Ah, you've just finished the pitcher of water, you have to have a baby in the next six months” or “Hey, you caught my wedding bouquet, you're next give birth.”
Offer maternity leave for 18 years
Coupled with five years of Canal + and Netflix subscription, future parents don't have to worry too much about this stupid education story.
Prohibit breathing and eating so that no one ingests endocrine disruptors anymore
Yes, because endocrine disruptors have a huge role in infertility, the simplest thing is to stop swallowing anything to be sure to maximize our chances of having children. Just as much, banning the use of glyphosate was pointless, we might as well have lots of kids to pay for our pensions which will start at age 87, that's a good deal.
Authorize retirement at age 50 for parents who have more than three children
When a job is done well, you have to know how to reward it.
Set up free psychiatry sessions to overcome the trauma of childbirth videos seen during SVT classes
“But naaaan, I promise it's not that horrible to expel a basketball without an epidural, and then at worst it's what, two or three small tears maximum? One month later, you're back on your feet, I promise! In any case, it's not as bad as the crusaders, eh! »
Make train carriages reserved for kids so that they don't get in our way during a Paris – Marseille trip and we forget how annoying they can be
Certainly the major cause of the slowdown in the birth rate in France, scientists are clear on this subject.
Only make TV ads about the joy of having a child
Good propaganda is only true.
Open nap rooms with breathable memory foam mattresses in all companies
Just to have an encouraging place, reserved for people who would like to relax and why not create life among colleagues before the 2 p.m. conference call.
Start the trend for menstrual cycle tattoos
Just so that everyone finally understands these issues of amenorrhea and ovulation, and that we don't waste time ken at the wrong time like idiots.
If there were only the two of us left in France to demographically rearm the country, would you do it with me or not?