Are you tired of being bullied by your friends every time you play Mario Kart? In your life have you only known 12th place or the little guy on the cloud who picks you up every time you fall off the circuit? Dry your tears, I understand you because I too have been there, and I can tell you that those days were the darkest of my life.
Mario Kart is like Uno, you think you’re having a good time with your friends while “having fun”, but you quickly realize that it’s also this “friend” who yells “EAT YOUR MOOORTS” as soon as he take a banana. Here are some tips to stop living such horrors.
(Please note that these tips, although they can apply to several versions of Mario Kart, are mostly related to Mario Kart on Wii)
1. The most important thing is to have no mercy: your friends are only your opponents
Good feelings are over. Stop saying “oh I have a red shell but it’s my/my buddy in front of me”. Don’t give a shit, here it’s every man for himself and I would say even worse: purposely smash them. Do you have multiple red shells? Instead of throwing them at the robots (the other characters who are the computer), keep them for your friends. You are already 1st and your buddy is behind you? Wait for the finish line to put a banana so that he gets doubled by all the other players. Breaking a friendship is nothing compared to the satisfaction of being 1st.
2. Train every day in secret
One day in my life, when I was lost and extremely useless at Mario Kart, I met a great sage who said to me “you can take my advice, but nothing will beat the intensive practice of the game” . These words changed my life. I stopped going out, eating and even sleeping to know all the circuits by heart. And you know what ? I keep losing to this great sage. Proof that even hours will not be enough, you will need days, maybe even months. Glory is a constant young padawan effort.
3. The choice of your character (and therefore your vehicle) is essential
Stop taking Yoshi because you find him too cute, or taking Bowser because he seems stronger to you, all that is bullshit and it will make you lose against your competitors.
Well if you have legit friends, you will all race on the same vehicles, but since your friends are puffs that will not be the case. Let those assholes take the heavier car thinking they’ll be stronger, in reality they’ll just be slower, and the car will be less maneuverable. The best vehicle to take according to our calculations (at least on Wii) is the Kamekcruiser (note this is Mario kart Wii), or at the limit, all types of motorcycles. The characters who own this vehicle are: baby Luigi, baby Mario, baby Peach, baby Daisy OR Skélerex and Koopa. You can try to take other vehicles if this one does not suit you but avoid taking karts and favor 2 wheels (yes I know the game is called “Mario Kart”, but you should not trust the appearances).
4. No longer play in automatic mode but in manual mode
I know, if you are a beginner it can be scary and in this case do not tempt the devil and continue to train. On the other hand, if you think you can take the course, you will offer yourself a field of incredible possibilities with the manual mode. Why ? Quite simply because if you negotiate your turns correctly, you will get a mini boost that will make you go faster (similar effect to the mushroom boot). You don’t know what it means to “negotiate a turn”? I strongly advise you to go straight to point 10 at this point, because at this point you have an almost unrecoverable delay.
5. If you’re on Wii, stop being a steering wheel guy/girl and get a Gamecube controller
Who cares that the Wii is normally a home console that “forces” you to play with wireless controllers with a motion sensor. If you’re having fun getting behind the wheel of Mario Kart, you can be sure that you’ll keep losing like you already do. Insist on playing with gamecube controllers
6. Do not hesitate to take the aspiration of your opponents
What does it mean to “take suction” in an automobile? Simply take the speed of your front opponent. Basically, we advise you to stick the ass of your opponent in front, because you will be able to benefit from his speed, and it will most certainly destabilize him and annoy him, which is good for you. We repeat: all shots are allowed.
7. Wait for strategic moments to use your items
Don’t panic and keep calm, I know the urge to immediately use the items you have (especially mushrooms), but every item is for use with parsimony.
Keep your mushrooms to use them in strategic passages (water, sand, mud which are often shortcuts that you only take with mushrooms), for that you just have to hold down the left trigger with your index. Avoid using the rocket (the object you have when you are a crap) before entering a tunnel/cannon because you will lose time. If you are first, keep your bananas/green shells to protect yourself from the attacks of your opponents. In short, everything is to think about, do not act stupidly.
8. Do not hesitate to do big rear wheels and rear up
Like Jul, do not hesitate to do big rear wheels on the highway.
Pulling up when you’re on a motorcycle (the vehicle I urge you to choose) will allow you to increase your speed. However, be careful of your opponents because you are very vulnerable at this time, and if someone pushes you, you will waltz around like a midge.
9. Work on your starts
Before moving on to the more specific advice of point 10, try to already master that of point 9 (which is quite logical in the end). As in Formula 1, everything can be decided from the start, especially on the fastest and easiest circuits such as the Luigi circuit or the Meuh Meuh meadow.
So if you press in the middle/end of the 2 of the countdown, you will be able to benefit from a boosted start. Be careful not to press too soon or your car will smoke and your hopes of victory with it.
10. If you are a strategist (and sure of yourself), start 12th on purpose
A strategy that is not recommended for everyone because you will need luck and experience to then go up everyone. However, if you are more seasoned and just want to infuriate your buddies even more, you can voluntarily place yourself in the last at the start of the race. This will allow you (most of the time) to get the best items and make an impressive comeback to get back to the front of the race. Something to disgust your opponents and to be sure to lose all your friendships one by one.
11. Learn to skid
This is essential if you want to be strong one day in your life. I advised you in point 4 to take the manual mode, that’s not for nothing. Mastering the skid and the mini boost obtained is crucial because it allows you to increase your speed at all the turns of the circuit (and you know like me that there are always a phenomenal amount of it). HOWEVER (sorry, I’m getting carried away), don’t take unnecessary risks, if you see that you’re going to hit a wall, let go of the trigger and stop your slide before you get the boost, that’ll be for next time.
12. Don’t fall, but if you fall react quickly
There is no useless advice, and one of the most important is precisely not to fall.
But if you fall, which is very likely given your dismal level, you can always catch up. Press button A (gamecube controller) before you even fall back, in order to benefit from a starting boost. Do not neglect this kind of action: everything is good to take.
13. Nothing is fatal: there are objects you can avoid
And that few people know it, so it’s advice for those who really aspire to shine in society (the others you can go your way).
A blue shell is avoidable: try to take a cannon a little before it arrives on you to dodge it or put you in a tunnel so that the ceiling makes you jump less high (it depends of course on the circuit). If it’s unavoidable, stop and smash people behind you: if you go down, they have to go down with you too.
You can also dodge a red shell by taking rope turns or if there are walls and obstacles. I remind you that nothing is fatal, keep hope even if you get screwed by all the objects in the game.
14. If you really are irredeemable shit, insist on playing as a team.
There are times when you have to face the facts, if your ability to handle a vehicle on Mario Kart is close to nil, you may have better luck on Wii Party. However, being strong on Wii Party sucks, so to try to shine a minimum within your group of friends, insist on team races. At that time, get closer to the strongest, and pretend that your controller is bugging when it’s your turn. This may be your only chance to reach the top step of the podium.
15. Watch Cars every night before sleeping
Cars must become your reference film. The green Line ? Star Wars? Titanic? Big dung next to the masterpiece and the expertise that offers you Cars. This film will provide you with the theoretical background that you greatly need. You will agree for example that to take a left turn, it will be necessary to tighten to the right as far as possible in order to take the rope, well that is precisely what Hudson Hornet said to Lightning McQueen. This film is a nugget that will open your eyes.