Here, if we had a small restaurant for families and we asked a lot of stupid questions to the server like: “Is your chardonnay good? or “How is your blanquette?” » or even « And then, my child, what time do you finish? “. Don’t look, he won’t tell you anything.
1. All your conversations are listened to
Whether you’re talking nonsense to squeeze (“Yeah, I did China in yep“), explaining that you are cheating on your girlfriend by making dirty jokes or complaining about the super rude service, the waiter KNOWS. He’s all-knowing and will report your words to the CIA if you don’t line up a good enough tip.
2. I saw very well that you were calling me, even if I don’t look at you
Bad luck, failed again. Head at 380, we scrutinize, we watch, we would like to have some wine back. The server has seen you very well, but he still has 4 tables to take care of and a cigarette break to take, so he is playing the indifferent. Concentrated look at the plates to be cleared from table number 12, the farthest from yours. In fact, your desire for wine, he doesn’t give a damn, the waiter, do you think he wouldn’t like to be able to booze in peace, him?
3. Tea is expensive because people ordering tea suck
And that we are going to let infuse quietly, then sip in small sips, stay a good three hours seated to read the Sentimental Education while heaving sighs of ease. Yes, tea is water and a 3 cent bag, but you just have to take it home, asshole.
4. Without cheese = with cheese
“Without cheese, it is noted”. At best, it will be removed at the last moment and there will be traces everywhere; at worst, there will be cheese, and all you will see is fire. Yes, even if you are “allergic”. Anyway, if you want to complain, refer to point 2. Eat, it will cool.
5. The dish of the day is the last chance dish
Lazy to shop, a rocket that will expire, half-wilted tomatoes, an old piece of garlic and fresh pasta to expire? We wonder what you are going to eat. For restaurants, it’s the same, but multiplying the quantities by the average number of covers. The dish of the day is not a house specialty, it’s a burst of putrefaction.
6. Asking if it’s okay is useless
Anyway, the server will not tell you that the dish is disgusting. As for the wine, it is written next to its name, at the level of the price. And then, you can always ask if a wine is good, the waiter knows very well that you will take the second cheapest.
7. Waiters know nothing about wine anyway
You may pride yourself on oenology acquired on the job by dint of tasting great vintages, but overall you forget the name of the good wine from the last time each time you try to buy it. In fact, you are like everyone else. Servers belong to the homo sapiens gender, chances are they are also like everyone else.
8. Staying, even early, when no one is around pisses everyone off
“Let’s stay to finish the bottle”. 10 p.m. in Vezoul, the Piccolo Rosso is empty to death, but it is written on the door that it does not close until 11 p.m. So yes, you are within your rights, but you are taking 3 or 4 employees hostage who have asked for nothing more than to be able to sweep the floor to return home. Crashing around in an empty restaurant is a bit like forcing someone to watch porn until the end even though they’ve come from the second position.
9. The manager won’t come
And if he comes, he probably won’t give a damn about your grievances. The manager didn’t ask anyone and didn’t want to alienate the waiters. The manager wants everything to go well. The manager will smile at you, offer you a drink, and you will leave without having obtained anything else.
10. Even in fancy restaurants, almost everything is frozen
Even at the Ritz. Even at the Carlton. The food is frozen, otherwise it expires and we throw it away. In fact, the whole world is frozen. And your little heart too, now that you know it.
11. If there is no coffee in the bar after 7 p.m., it is because drinking a coffee does not call for drinking 12.
In the evening, the bars make their figures on beer and alcohol, sorry for this dichotomy aimed at reassuring me about my alcohol consumption since I drink beer every day. If you order a coffee, you occupy the waiter 10 minutes for a payment of less than 2 euros which will not require additional consumption. And you are surprised that the French economy is down?
12. Serving friends sucks
Working in the evening means cutting yourself off from a good part of your social life, since other people work most of the time during the day and do not live on the other hemisphere. Going to say hello to your friend Lisa while she is serving tartars is therefore not very pleasant. She’ll watch you jerk off cushy to the Spritz while adding up bills, not to mention you’re with your guy and she’s lonely and sad.
13. Yeah, we’re friends, but you pay for your drinks
Besides, it’s not because you know the server that everything is free. In fact, it should even be more expensive, since your friend the waiter is not happy that you are there, compared to the fact that he is working while you are hitting the bell.
14. Crash on your cocktail allows the server to drink it
If you ordered a Mojito and got a Tequila Sunrise, it’s probably because the bartender was hoping you’d send your drink back, so he could throw a little behind his tie.
15. Pronouncing the name of the pizzas with the Italian accent will not allow you to create a connivance with the waiter
To tell the truth, when he submitted his CV to Little Italia, the pizzeria near the Arcueil shopping center, Joseph had not specified the languages he mastered. In this case, not at all Italian.