Top 15 of the most improbable Belgian dishes (and we judge them very strongly)

If I really have one passion in life, it’s making enemies. So, to accomplish this dream, I work at Topito. One day, I criticize Breaking Bad to be insulted in the comments. The next day, I criticize the Monegasques. Today, I tackle a species never realized before: the Belgians. I really like Belgians, don’t get me wrong, I even have 1/8th Belgian blood (which is the equivalent of “I have a black friend” for racists). I like their fries, I like Bruges, and I like their cigarettes, which are much cheaper than in France, and that’s not bad. But, there are things that I also don’t really like: their dishes.

1. Tuna peaches

We’ve talked about it in the worst food mixes, we’ve even tested it for real, tuna peaches are clearly a dish straight out of hell. It’s not very rocket science to do, you really just have to put a peach (but in syrup eh, not the good peaches on the market, in addition) and put on top of tuna and mayonnaise. And presto, you have ruined the gastronomy. Well done.

2. Green eel

Another dish that I would classify in the category of things that make me want to puke rather than in those where I say to myself “Hmmm yum yum”. You take a freshwater eel (yuck) and serve it in a green herb sauce that just looks like yucky seaweed (double yuck). Really, no thanks. If you want to admire this massacre:

3. The bloempanch

Stop everything, this time it looks really delicious! No, not at all, I lied, a huge black pudding with cubes of fat in it, seriously, what did you expect?

4. Head cheese or “pressed head”

Already, from the moment you give the name “head” to your food, you know that there is something fishy going on at home. In addition, obviously, it’s a prank, it’s absolutely not cheese, it’s a pig’s or wild boar’s head cooked with pieces of carrots and pepper. Yes, you read that right: pepper. Vegans, close your eyes.

5. Al d’jote tart

According to Wikipedia, the ingredients of this pie are “chard (or perry), lean farm cottage cheese (the dumpling) and butter. In this sentence, the only word I understood was the word “butter”. I let you do your personal research on what these ingredients are, for me it’s too much, really I don’t understand, but all I know is that if I had wanted to eat the grass of my garden, I would have been a horse, not a human.

6. Stoemp

The stoemp, at first it starts well, it’s a potato with lots of vegetables, then after that it goes down the drain, with pan-fried blood sausage, roast bacon, country sausages and even children’s legs. One of these 4 meats is wrong, but frankly all 4 disgust me.

7. Cork syrup

Cork syrup, another creation of champions! It is a kind of molasses obtained by cooking and reducing apple juice and pear juice and adding dates. But me, my Innocent apple juice at €3.99 bought at the Carrefour downstairs from my house, I bought it to drink it directly in my glass sir, I don’t really want to cook it at all?! Leave me.

8. The rollmops

There guys, really Belgians you have reached the pinnacle I think you can not get more disgusting than that, congratulations really. This fillet of herring marinated for 3 days with sauerkraut clearly makes me want to leave my body and catch the Covid to lose taste and smell directly. I have to go, I’m going to throw up here.

9. Piccalilli

Already excuse me but the name is really too bad: 0/10. In terms of composition, it is a sauce made from vegetables, vinegar, sugar, mustard, turmeric, pickles and cauliflower. And if you say to yourself: “Hey, I didn’t know that all these ingredients could be mixed”, well you were right, the answer is no, they can’t be, otherwise it looks like vomit like this:

10. Brown sugar pasta

So there, if you follow a little, you should roughly guess what it is. It’s pasta, with brown sugar, for those who didn’t understand. And it seems that when you die and arrive in hell, you are greeted with this dish:

11. The Headless Bird

François Damiens had already shown it to us, but if there’s one thing the Belgians like to do, it’s pranks. So, to prove it, they decided to take a totally normal beef, and call it “headless bird”. It’s neither a bird, nor a head, nor a “headless”, and I hate being lied to so if you continue I inform the FBI, ok?

12. The submachine gun

Ok, for once the Belgians I owe you an apology, because for once it looks really very good, it’s true. But mashed potatoes, you don’t know how to choose other words to designate your food?!? Personally, I love sushi, but if it was called “AK 47 KALASHNIKOV MK-103 (41.5 cm) cal.7.62×39”, I’m much less sure that I would eat it thoroughly. We’re going to call this little sandwich “Small half-baguette with fries, meat and sauce”, it’s certainly a bit long to pronounce but believe me, it’s much cuter and that will reassure you A great success.

13. Hop squirts

We already knew that the Belgians really liked hops in the form of good beer (a bit too much), but apparently they also like it in its original form. They consume hops like perfectly normal vegetables, and in addition, a kilo of sprouts can sell for up to 1200€, which makes it the most expensive vegetable in Europe. I don’t want to criticize eh (if I totally want to criticize) but it seems weird to me.

14. The Raised Haste

We continue on the path of “WTF what are they jerking off with these Belgians? with anticipation, this piece of braised fatty pork folded into a cylinder, spiced and flavored with cloves. Sorry, but it just looks like ears, I’m totally against it.

15. Pheasant with chicory

You take young pheasants, you put butter, peanut oil, endives (which we call chicory over there), parsley, you mix everything and you say to yourself “Wow this dish is delicious” . No, it’s impossible, I can’t believe it, no one can love a pheasant, a pheasant can be observed in nature at the limit, but it can’t be eaten. When you have created the Covid-21 and you will all be disgusted, you will have to remember it: I will have warned you. There’s still the legs of the thing and everything, who dares to eat that?

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