In life, not all of us are lucky enough to have a loving and close-knit family. I’m not complaining, my parents say “Hello” to me every morning. But if, on your side, you have no trusted loved one to bequeath all your property to when you pass the weapon on the left, well know that you can now think of spinning everything to @xavierofficials. He deserves because thanks to his tweets, we laugh and suddenly, we gain minutes of life. Take it all Xavier, take it all.
1. “Your password is too weak”, yeah but my memory too so let me keep it
2. Mdr, I don’t mean to offend myself, but what the fuck am I doing??
3. Observing your relationships inspires us to stay single
4. When I said I liked it when it hurt, I didn’t mean my whole life
5. I don’t care about astrology unless it says we’re compatible
6. If I say ‘I’m hungry’, we have 15 minutes before I become another person
7. If life is an exam, I haven’t studied
8. I hate it when people set alarms that wake everyone up but them.
9. I don’t have a red flag, just funny anecdotes
10. At Least Depression Made Me Funny
11. “Put yourself on connection sharing” man, just pay your plan
12. No matter how bad the relationship is, I will never call the radio for advice.
13. Best childhood memory: living for free
14. “Payment was successful” / Me: shut up
15. Twitter is like group therapy except no one heals
16. I went for a run with wet flip flops just remembering the sound of sex
17. Sorry, I learn from the mistakes people make who followed my advice
18. Mdr don’t invite me to your house if your floor will season my feet
19. How do they know an animal is extinct, have you really looked everywhere???
20. Google knows everything until you have a homework assignment