Life is unfair. Already because we are born beautiful or ugly, rich or poor, but the worst of the worst is above all to be born with a first name that does not correspond to our physique. At Topito, we like to talk a lot about first names, the unusual first names of children of stars, the worst first names of confinement or even simply the first names of assholes… So it was completely normal to also address the thorny question of the beauty inherent in certain first names.
There is a lot of pressure on the Olympus. The first name evokes far too much magnificence to bear the slightest physical defect such as herpes on the upper lip.
If your name is Olympe and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Toaster.
The flowers are all beautiful (except the daisies, but you already knew that). So to be called Fleur and not correspond to the dominant criteria of beauty (which I won’t waste time recalling here, it goes without saying), is rather offensive for the community.
If your name is Fleur and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Daisy.
Certainly not all flower names fit, but in this case the Roses are legally required to be physically perfect, especially at the level of the shoulder blades.
If your name is Rose and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Green.
The Celestials are close to the heavens, which is quite complicated when you don’t have the physique of angels.
If your name is Celeste and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Cumulonimbus.
Beautiful injustice for the Ariane, first name of ugly people according to our study whereas except for one letter, we end up with a bunch of pretty people.
If your name is Orianne and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Ariadne.
You will certainly have understood it, first names that end in -ine are more inclined to physical beauty and good dental hygiene, we put in the same lot Jasmine, Filipina, Valentine. On the other hand, not the Justines. It’s dead.
If your name is Gwendoline and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Jacques.
We had a big debate in the editorial staff about the Mauds. I must admit that it was not easy to decide. For many, the Mauds are super cheum, for others they are beautiful people, for still others they are the names of goldfish. The simplest thing is that all the Mauds who read this top send us their photo so that we can create a slideshow and judge you physically on a scale of 1 to 10. Of course, we will then give you a written back, we are not monsters.
If your name is Maud and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Virginia.
The Victoires can’t miss anything without being reminded that with a first name like that, it doesn’t give a damn to be confronted with the slightest failure. Including physically.
If your name is Victoire and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Xanax.
Obviously, a name that says you’re beautiful when in real life it’s not even true, it’s like putting a photo of your cat in your profile picture when you’re not a cat and people after they think you’re a cat and they’re disappointed.
If your name is Bella and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: pabella. Or Paella. At least you might have free paellas.
If the Apollons are really big capitalist shits who vote Fillon, they are however beautiful. Still. It’s normal, their DNA has been genetically modified in order to remove all the ugliness. And just to kill two birds with one stone, we also removed the taste of raclette from the DNA of the Apollos, which makes them much less desirable despite their attractive physique.
If your name is Apollon and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Sauron. Or Salmon. Both are validated.
Although the first name Abelard is ultra cheum, you will notice that the Abelards are necessarily beautiful according to purely objective criteria. That’s how it is, it’s the law.
If your name is Abelard and you’re ugly, choose this first name instead: Bacon.
If César is a dog’s first name, it’s also the first name of an emperor, but I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but emperors are really handsome. At least we have no right to say the opposite.
If your name is Caesar and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Brutus.
If the Brices were the idiots of our adolescence who had spikes of hair formed with ultra-powerful gel on their heads, the Brices were still beautiful. Now they have all sadly passed away due to the particularly toxic endocrine disruptors in their hair products.
If your name is Brice and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Mauritius.
OK, I don’t know about you, but personally in my life, I’ve only come across ultra-shinable Juliens. So yes, scientifically you may think it’s not worth a damn, but until you prove me wrong, I can never undermine that belief.
If your name is Julien and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Beam.
The Octaves are handsome, but they fart in bed. What do you want, we can’t have everything.
If your name is Octave and you’re ugly, choose this name instead: Range.