I don’t know if you’re aware, but I’m a real cinema fondue (not cheese fondue lol) and at the editorial office, we like to imagine alternative versions of films. We have already told you about the sentences that can sum up two films and the shorter films if the character had done what he was told to do. Today, we are going to reduce most of the American films of the 80s and 90s to nothing since it is enough to imagine what the film would have looked like with more sensible and intelligent characters. Let’s go.
1. The Visit
Children: Can we go see our grandparents?
The mother: I’m not super hot but if you really want to go I’ll drop you off anyway.
The mother a little later: But you’re not my parents, I’m calling the cops.
Lucy: I swear there’s a snowy world at the back of the wardrobe!
Peter and Susan: Ah well yes it’s true shit. It’s super weird, we better warn the owners of the castle.
Ki-woo: It’s cool, I got a job as a tutor. I could tell my sister is very good at being able to work in the same house as me and maybe even my parents too. That way, no need to lie. What a good idea !
ANDREW But in fact this teacher is completely tyrannical, he will end up destroying my sanity. I better stop playing with him.
5.Stand By Me
Vern: Come on guys, we’re going to walk for two days in the woods to find the body of a child?
Gordie: Well no, we should call the police and go back to playing cards.
Hagrid: Harry, you are a wizard. Come with me, I’ll take you to a school of magic.
Harry: Nah, I don’t know you.
7. Back to the Future
Doc: Ah Marty, can you meet me at 1:15 a.m. tonight in the supermarket parking lot?
Marty: Ah well no it’s hot, I don’t have a car and I have class tomorrow morning.
8. Mom, I missed the plane!
Kevin: Oh, my wish came true and my family is gone! Ah well no I’m stupid, they just forgot about me… I should call the police to report that I’m alone at home and so they can warn my parents.
9. The Cons Dinner
Pierre: Oh shit, I’ve had my back… Well, too bad, I’m canceling dinner and I’ll make fun of a poor man and his matchstick sculptures another day.
One of the two boys in 1869: Wouldn’t it be better to completely destroy this game instead of burying it? We could burn it right?
The other boy: Oh yeah not stupid.
Mr Wing: No, I won’t sell you this Mogwai, it’s far too dangerous.
Mr. Wing’s grandson: He’s right.
Rand: Alright I understand, good evening!
Hotel Manager: I must warn you though, the previous caretaker went mad and slaughtered his wife and twin daughters with an ax before committing suicide with a gun.
Jack: Seems unreasonable to be alone in this place for six months, especially given my alcoholism. I refuse the job.
13. Peter Pan
Peter Pan: Come on, I’ll give you some magic powder and you’ll fly to the imaginary land where Wendy will become our new mother!
Wendy: Ah well no, it’s clearly drugs your thing, you don’t approach my brothers.
Mathilda: Please open the door.
Leon: Mhhh no.
END (but that would be really cruel)
15. Mrs Doubtfire
Miranda: You mess around with the kids and you’re incapable of being responsible. You won’t see them as often as you used to.
Daniel: It’s true that I did anything… I know it’s over between us but I promise to do everything to be a good father for our children. I’m going to find a job in the cinema and not disguise myself as a nanny.