Top 15 historical sex stories you never hear about

In life, I have several passions: history, redneck jokes and pee-poop-ass themes. So how can I tell you that this top made me vibrate, laugh, cry, surprised me, touched me, transported me far from this shitty world, and gently brought me back to a life where everything turns around the ass. What happiness. A great moment that I couldn’t keep to myself, you had to know that. Open your chakras, take a deep breath, and let yourself be immersed in these sweet and delicate stories, where sex rhymes with buttocks, caresses and prowess.

1. Napoleon’s penis went around the world

Napoleon died on May 5, 1821, on the island of Ste Hélène. If the circumstances of his death are still debated, one thing is more certain: his kiki continued to travel for years to come. On the autopsy carried out by doctor Francesco Antommarchi, several things are missing: teeth, nails, hair (don’t ask me how they quantified that) but above all: his penis. His dick. His penis. For several decades, it was carefully guarded by the family of Father Anges Paul Vignali in Corsica. In 1916, the organ was sold at auction, described then as… “a mummified tendon”. Yum. It must be said that in the open air, the machine has lost its splendour… It is then sold to an American collector, goes through the Museum of French Arts in New York, returns to Europe and is finally bought by a urologist New Jersey in 1977. Now, her daughter is the proud heir to what she describes as an object “shrunken down to the size of a baby’s finger, with white wrinkled skin and dissected beige”. Enjoy your meal !

2. And (huge) Rasputin’s contraption would be on display in a museum

And it is in St Petersburg, at the museum of eroticism, that you have to go to… Observe? Watch ? Contempl … no, not contemplate … The penis of about thirty centimeters, locked in a jar of formaldehyde. Some claim that it is indeed the genitals of the Russian healer, assassinated and emasculated in 1916, but nothing really proves it. Moreover, various people have claimed to have him. We want to believe that it was huge, but not that he had several. (I’ll spare you the photo, but you’ll find it in two seconds on Google.)

3. Alexandra Feodorovna collected pubic wigs

Rumor has it that several of these little Merkins wigs were found in the Ipatiev household after the assassination of Tsar Nicholas II and his family (including his wife, Alexandra) in 1918. Besides naughty practices, these wigs were also used for health issues at the time. For example, to fight lice, women shaved their whole bodies. These wigs then allowed them to treat themselves while retaining the hairiness they wanted.

4. People used to blow into people’s asses to revive them.

Yes, yes, you read that right. In the 18th century, Holland set up a new medical technique to save the drowned: insert a bellows into their derche and send a small shot of tobacco smoke to act as a defibrillator. Original.

5. In Ancient Egypt, women used crocodile dung as a contraceptive

More exactly, a mixture of croco (or fermented elephant) poop, mixed with dates or honey. They then inserted the appetizing mixture in the right place to block the sperm… And it might just work! According to researcher Lana Williams, the acidity of dung and the antibacterial properties of honey can be a good spermicide… We already told you about it in this top of wacky contraceptives!

6. James Joyce had a fart fetish

In an erotic letter to his lover Nora, the Irish novelist and poet (not really on this one) wrote: “ If I gave you a harder (dick) and deeper blow than usual, greasy, dirty farts would come sputtering out of your bottom.“, “ You had an ass full of farts that night, honey (…) fat ones, long windy ones, crunchy little ones, quick gays and a whole bunch of tiny little fart pranks (…) spurting out of your hole.“, “ I think I’d recognize a Nora fart anywhere. ” or ” I hope Nora will endlessly fart me in the face so that I can also know their scent. ” There. We don’t judge. But if you didn’t manage to read everything, I don’t blame you.

7. In Egypt, we masturbated in the Nile

The Egyptians attributed the movements of the Nile to Atum, God of creation who engenders the divine couple, Shu and Tefnut, from his own seed. According to beliefs, he masturbated in the river to cause the abundance of water. The pharaohs therefore perpetuated the tradition, so that the Nile was in flood and favored agricultural activity.

Top 15 historical sex stories you never hear about
Photo credits (CC BY-SA 2.5): Personal photo of Gérard Ducher (user: Néfermaât).

8. Felix Faure died in the stake

The president of France from 1895 to 1899 died at the Élysée, at the beginning of a game of legs in the air with his lover Marguerite Steinheil. His stroke could be linked to an excess of small pills: that day, he would have taken two stimulants in a row to be at maximum performance. Oupsi which is expensive. Very expensive. He will forever remain one of the historical figures who will be remembered for having passed the gun on the left for a story of ass.

February 16, 1899: the beautiful death of Félix FaureThe President of the Republic died in the arms of an admirer, a demi-mondaine named Maguy (Meg) Steinheil…

Posted by on Saturday, February 16, 2019

9. The Kama Sutra is not very young

Also called the “sutra of love”, the Sanskrit text was written in the 4th century and has evolved until today. Initially, his goal is to help lovers in their love life. And it was not illustrated. In the same spirit, in the 15th century (during the Italian Renaissance) appeared the erotic book “I Modi”, also called “The Sixteen Pleasures”. There is a series of sexual positions represented by engraving, and using Greek and Roman deities and mythological creatures to avoid Catholic censorship.

10. Mozart composed “Leck mich im Arsch” (literally “lick me in the ass”)

It’s time for the musical interlude! The famous Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart therefore composed this beautiful canon, which you can literally translate as… “Lick me in the ass”. Classroom. When his publisher received this manuscript upon his death, he decided to change the title and lyrics to something that was publicly acceptable. From “Lick me in the uc” we therefore moved on to “Let’s be happy!” … Maybe that made him happy, indeed.

11. Edward VII of England had a sex chair built.

The “seat of love” was designed, ordered and used by King Edward VII from 1890, to have fun with his partners. He had this comical furniture installed in the room he occupied in the brothel “Le Chabanais” in Paris. Rumor has it that he thought this after a big weight gain, preventing him from practicing some of his favorite positions. The use of this invention is relatively simple: his playing partner sits on his back, his feet in the stirrups and the Prince of Wales stands, clinging to the joysticks. According to historians, the wheelchair also allowed 3-way plans. Ahhh, we knew how to have fun at the time!

12. In England, women offered bread in the shape of a vulva.

… Directly kneaded with their genitals before being baked, according to rumours. Also called “clam bread”, it would have been a (rather particular) way of declaring their love to the man of their choice. Voila voila.

13. In the past, you could be condemned for “impotence”

In the 16th century, bandaging was considered a “deliberate violation of the sacrament of marriage”. Just that. On the occasion of these “trials of impotence” the accused must… perform an act of flesh before an entire assembly made up of doctors, lawyers, the Church and witnesses. What a great time.

14. In the 17th century, erotic pocket watches appeared!

Often, the richest had pocket watches made to measure with the portrait of their sweetheart inside, to take their face with them on a trip. But, quickly, the concept went off the rails and the cute little paintings were replaced by slightly less Catholic designs. From the 18th century, watchmakers even introduced a rhythmic interest by adding tiny automatons to the ole-ole scenes! In short, Pornhub did not invent anything. (Source.)

15. Come on, shall we shake our dicks?

Exit the overly solemn handshake or the far too French kiss. In the Australian Walibri tribe, to say hello, the men go straight to the point and squeeze their cocks. Yes yes. A good handful of zigounette, which we don’t wish them too energetic.

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