No, you’re not mistaken, it’s time for top worship. I’ve been watching and listening to you for years now, and I’ve realized one thing: you have shitty taste. You like stuff so gross I can’t believe you really like it. You pretend, you have to. All this to integrate you into groups of people who, to top it off, themselves pretend to like gross stuff. Be honest for five minutes and stop this comedy please for the love of Cyril Lignac.
1. The truffle
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A gas leak smell that stinks 100m away, a look of turd and a taste to shit? I want to say no thank you. Besides, I say: no thank you. And during that time everyone is stomping around like it’s good by making Insta posts to brag about it. You are all seriously ill.
SLURP SLURP SLURP you all disgusting there with your big SLURP and your “you have to put lemon on it to see if it is still alive hihi”. Like you like to eat live stuff that makes SLURP SLURP. They don’t do it to me.
You know when it is said that a person’s intestines empty instantly after death? Well the smell of andouillettes reminds me of that.
This fucking thing smells like urine. Even kidney eaters know it, and they are there: “Mmmh yes it smells like pee lol, please get me Corinne”. People end up in jail for less than that, huh.
5. Roquefort cheese
All the cheeses are good, except 2: the one that comes from Sardinia with worms in it, and the Roquefort. The first, nobody eats it apart from a few old sheep breeders who are out of their minds. The second, many of you eat it, probably to prove something to yourself. If you want to hurt yourself, you can always drive nails into your knees, it’s cheaper.
6. The Vegemite
To pronounce “Vegemayte”, since it’s Australian, and let’s remember, Australians are above all convicts, so we have no reason to trust them in terms of taste. Speaking of taste, you can compare it to gross medicine in the form of a slimy jelly, an insult to food, even to humanity itself. My colleague Rémy, a very honest person, told me that biting into a dead hedgehog was more pleasant than eating this thing. I completely agree with him.
The taste of beets is as useless as its texture is unpleasant. I shouldn’t even talk about it because it doesn’t deserve it, but it must at least be said loud and clear once: stop with your beetroot verrines, your beetroot carpaccios, your beetroot purees and generally everything that is with beets. Even the chips.
Raw spinach: Mmmmmmh it’s very good in salads, thank you life for this gift.
Cooked spinach: Take this filthy mush out of my mouth and disinfect my orifice with bleach, please.
Let’s be honest: we all pretended to love coffee at first. Nobody ever found the coffee good the first time (unless it was mixed with 12 spoons of sugar and 1 liter of milk), which is still saying something. Growing up, we just got used to this shit. A shit even more bitter than a day when we learn that our cat Johnny was poisoned by the crazy neighbor at the end of the garden.
10. Red wine
Same as coffee: we drink red wine because it looks good (unless it’s Villageoise, of course). But give a kid wine (no, that’s wrong, don’t give him wine), and he’ll tell you it’s disgusting.
I don’t even want to give him my time. Next.
I have a theory about it: the rich pretend to like caviar so that they can then laugh at the poor who buy caviar. It’s worth what it’s worth but I believe in it.
13. Bubble tea
Hey oh influencers of 2018: why did you make us believe this stuff was good? You wanted us to choke on the tapioca balls? Do you actually find that funny?
15. Dog food
Dogs honestly can’t enjoy eating the same thing every day of their lives. They pretend to please us, I see no other explanation.