War isn’t just Aragorn dismantling 300 orcs or Rambo atomizing a regiment with a single bullet. Sometimes it’s also an infantryman who drowns in his soup or a general who loses a battle because he wanted to sleep in, or even wars based on seafood. Being a fundamentally bad person, I prefer Heroism is largely shamed, so here are 14 great moments in history when soldiers didn’t bring glory to their country.
1. Nicaragua invading Costa Rica because of Google Maps
The worst story that ever happened to you with google maps was when, on your way to visit your grandmother in Poitiers, you took the wrong exit and arrived for dessert (a succulent chestnut cream ice cream). But Commander Pastora and his men mistakenly plunged several kilometers into an area of Costa Rica rightly claimed by Nicaragua. Blaming Google Maps is therefore either a very bad excuse, or a huge lack of luck.
2. Cupcake Wars
The cupcake war. Seriously guys. Put a badass name. The war of the big arms, it slaps. The katana war, it slams. Star Wars makes for great movies. The Riczemmour war, it looks useless on the other hand.
In short, to come back to the war of cupcakes, it occurs in 1838 when the Mexican government refuses to reimburse the ransacking of a French pastry shop. Logical answer: the French are blockading all Mexican ports. It’s a minimum.
3. Santa Anna takes a nap and loses Texas
General Santa Anna is a legend in Mexico. He remains the man who won a decisive victory at the Alamo against the United States Army. What the story has less retained is that a little later, before attacking another American army, he ordered all his men to take a nap in order to be fit to fight. The inevitable happened. The Americans pass right after the sandman and bump into everyone.
4. The Football War
Ok that’s nonsense. Let’s get along, I like football because it allows me to insult the mothers of people I don’t know without them resenting me. But a war because of that seems a bit overdone to me. In 1969, when relations between El Salvador and Honduras were very tense, their national teams competed in qualifying for the World Cup. Victory of El Salvador 3-2, suddenly the soldiers at the border are beating on each other for 4 days, which is still the trifle of 3,000 dead.
5. Two American generals mistaking English soldiers for their men at the same battle
In 1812, during the Battle of Stoney Creek between the English and the Americans, two American generals took the wrong side and joined their Pepouze adversaries. Remember this anecdote, because it is the least glorious capture story in history.
6. The Japanese flooding one of their own towns
In 1940, shortly before being officially at war with the United States, the Japanese want to show their power and move their largest warship near one of their cities. Except that the boat is so massive that it causes a huge wave that floods the city. The city is Nagasaki, which will have definitely experienced this war as a somewhat dull event.
7. The Huescar-Denmark War
This is probably the war that has had the most influence on history. In 1809, Huescar, a small town in Andalusia declared war on Denmark. After 172 years of war and no deaths or injuries, the two sides finally make peace.
8. The Emu War
This is the first inter-species war in history. It is also the first time that I have used the word interspecies anywhere other than in a search engine.
In 1932, the Australian army faced 20,000 emus accused of terrorizing local farmers. After nearly 2,500 deaths on the emu side, the Australians finally beat a retreat, which is remembered as the second most shameful defeat in history, just after Marseille in the Coupe de France against Carquefou. All with me, point and boo them.
9. The false rumor of the Marne Cossacks
At the end of the First World War, the Germans, following a combination of circumstances, are absolutely convinced that Cossack reinforcements will come to swell their ranks. They then decide to withdraw two battalions from the battle without any official order having ever confirmed this rumor. Suddenly, they are eaten (I think that is the exact term).
10. The US military confused an island with a submarine
In 1986, after attacks by Libyan terrorists, Reagan decided to show his muscles in Libya and sent a pack of planes to the area. One of them sees a shape in the sea that can’t be anything but a submarine in the pilot’s head. Logical answer, bomb. Except it wasn’t a submarine, it was an island. But probably a mean island. If we don’t know why we blew it up, she does. She surely deserved it. The pilot was American after all.
11. The multiple accidental invasions of Liechtenstein
So we’re already going to find a nickname in Liechtenstein right away because it’s boring to write and I suggest “Gluscktzistan”. Here it is the soldiers of Switzerland who have repeatedly invaded the country that no one knows how to pronounce. For the first time in 1985, the wind had deflected a rocket fired by soldiers until it set fire to a forest in Liechtenstein. “It’s not me, it’s the wind”. No messing about, typically the kind of excuses a kid comes up with after busting a rear view mirror while playing soccer.
The second invasion took place in 2007 when soldiers lost their way because of the weather (again) until they arrived on the territory of Liechtenstein and continued to march there. Luckily for them, the people opposite were quite nice so it didn’t pose too much of a problem and above all no war.
12. The Battle of Karansebes
In 1788, while at war with the Turks, the Austrian army inflicted a huge defeat on itself. The army hussars anger the infantry very much by refusing to share their alcohol. Normal. Except that suddenly the infantrymen start shooting. The hussars believe in an attack by the Turks and flee. It starts in general panic on the camp. So an officer had the whole thing bombed in case it was really Turks.
We can never repeat it enough children, alcohol abuse is dangerous for your health.
13. The accidental invasion of the Czech Republic
Polish soldiers were walking very quietly in the countryside without realizing that they had just crossed the border with the Czech Republic. If it can quite rightly piss us off when a neighbor arrives on our lawn, when he arrives armed and with friends, it’s a whole different story. The act was considered an invasion since the military also prevented residents from going to church to respect the confinement. Fortunately the story ended there as soon as the Polish army realized its bullshit and apologized, otherwise it was clearly a reason for war.
14. The Death Star that leaves a huge design flaw even the second time around
Well, if it happens once, I can understand. Leaving a blemish in the first Death Star can happen to anyone. But hey, if they hadn’t done the same thing in the second, and also in the third for that matter (Star Wars VII), we might have seen a bit of originality in these films. You deserve what is happening to you. Besides, you’re mean.