Since you’re a parent, admit it, you can be very touchy when someone attacks the apple of your eye. Even though you weren’t the last to comment on the physique of your cousin’s youngest or react to the so-called exploits of the neighbour’s goddaughter. Handling euphemisms remains undeniably an art that we had fun decoding.
1. “She was a bit choinchoin”
Understand: she made me miserable all day, your fucking girl of my two.
2. “Eurydice, I’m going to scream! »
In reality when he utters this sentence, the father is already at the end of his life and what you hear, you, on the other side of the sidewalk, is more like a cry for help than an ultimatum.
3. “Ah she has her little character huh”
It should read: Did I already tell you that she fucked me the zère-mi well as it should your so-called princess of my balls?
4. “How expressive! »
The reader will of course have corrected himself: Shrek next to your kid is Bradley Cooper but as I have a minimum of education, I am looking for something positive to say to create a diversion.
5. “Ah, she has energy this little one! »
Replace with: If your kid keeps coming up to me and pulling my hair, giggling stupidly, we’ll find her scattered in little puzzle-like pieces.
6. “He ate the vegetables well this afternoon”
If we read between the lines it gives this: Frankly girl, already that I keep your bastard all day, you still do not think that I will give him the beak for hours so that he swallows 3 grams of mashed potatoes? Your kid ate some bread and for the rest, I don’t know, I have 12 others to manage.
7. “Wow, she grew up all of a sudden! »
What we’re really thinking is, “Oh man, what happened?!” Teenage years aren’t cool… Such a cute little girl, already broke by puberty if that’s not unfortunate. »
8. “He’s damn mature for his age”
Correct with: Tell me, how boring is your son with his stories of beetles and Soisson mud. He didn’t even react when I told him to “pull my finger”!
9. “Clitoris?” Ah, original as a first name! »
Translation: Uh downright weird, not to say uncomfortable. And we don’t even want to know what Freud aka perverse grandpa would have thought of it…
10. “What an imagination, this child! »
Which means: No, but your kid is completely perched, with his imaginary friend. In which corner of the forest did you pick up the mushrooms from his last omelet? In truth, you are secretly jealous of this Groumstafioup who, according to the description that the little brat gave you, seems to have a pure style with his polka dot and striped suit from which spangles spring as soon as we say a big word. Would you like some more mushroom omelette?
11. “Hehe, he’s teasing, huh! »
Understand: Uh if your filthy brat insults me once again with impunity, it’s going to shit bubbles! Yes, okay, maybe I have a little pronounced hairiness on my back and toes that are not very aligned, but if you want me to make him blubber the minus with his accordion teeth and his cauliflower ears, don’t worry i’m hot.
12. “Hey, she’s very creative!” »
You will of course have understood: “Uh, does it make sense to hold this drawing? Because I’m not asking much eh, I can understand the abstract, but here I really have the impression that she sneezed on a leaf, that she spread everything with the sleeve of her T-shirt and that she handed it to me in stride.
13. “He really does have a very unique laugh.” »
Is he serious, your gnome, with his sneer? It’s unbearable, it looks like a family of ducks tumbling down the stairs! Janice in Friends is Charlotte Gainsbourg next door.
14. “She’s got an outfit that really stands out!” »
Translation: Reassure me, is your kid in disguise? No, because I don’t mind that at this age we still don’t really know the difference between pajamas and an outfit for going out, but in fact it would sting my eyes less to watch the sun dancing under a disco ball.
And the best thing about all these formulas to dissect is that you can continue to use them with people other than children. “Ah, you don’t see that every day! “, “You had to think about it”, “You really have your own universe”: why be mean when you can remain polite. On the other hand, beware of the return of boomerang, you, there, with your look so… particular!