Royalty is not just the gold of the crown, the silk of ermine and marriages between cousins, see Christine Boutin. It is also a difficult surname to bear, as for a kid of ELon Musk (see the most famous first names of stars). with more arthritis what! Not long ago we didn’t give a damn about the rotten names of the queens, parity obliges, this time we are looking at the crowned people.
1. John I the Posthumous
So for this King of France whose reign extends from 1316 to 1316, we will just say that he takes his name from the duration of his reign since he dies 5 days after his birth. The good Jeannot, however, left on good bases, he was the son of Louis X le Hutin, who is not the last in the category of complicated nicknames, and he is the only King of France to have been king of his birth to death. Solid !
2. Louis X le Hutin
Already, you lower your tone! Am I calling you Hutin? “Hutin” means “stubborn” by the way, if you want to place him at a family meal. Louis X is the eldest son of Philippe le Bel (rather classy), but he also falls into the category of short reigns since he only acceded to the throne of France for two years between 1314 and 1316. We will remember from his reign the recall of Jews, which is not a wave of vaccination of the Jewish population against the “Catholicism” virus, but rather the permission for the Jewish populations to return to French territory when they had been expelled by his father. Mazel Tov! And since the good Loulou absolutely wanted to distinguish himself, he also falls into the category of dead idiots, dying from the consequences of ingesting too much iced wine. So chaim!
3. Dagobert I
We could not miss the good King Dagobert who put his pants on backwards. Already because from our earliest childhood, we are encouraged through this song to sedition. But above all because the good Dagobert I would have suffered from severe myopia, making him very clumsy, hence the clumsiness associated with his image and the popularity of this kindergarten tube. Finally, if we take stock, we are in a period of complicated first names to wear. At the time, between 602 and 639, Dagobert’s comrades and companions were named Brodulf, Sichilde, Landri (who, except for one letter, was only a serial killer), Gomatrude and Caribert. It smacks of the rustic King who rustles the rebel at breakfast. And for good reason, the Frankish Kingdom of which he was the King extended to the north as far as what is now Holland, to the east as far as the middle of Germany and to the south as far as the Pyrenees. We hope he had the “Fast traveler” card.
4. Louis the Jumper
He is not king, simply count of Thuringia between 1042 and 1123. At one point, he jumped, he was called “the Jumper”. Clever!
5. Louis VI the Fat
Louis VI le Gros is a monument in the history of France, for his belly and for his life. Firstly, because he illuminates with his serene royalty the incipit of the Visitors: “In the year of grace 1123, King Louis VI Capet, known as the Fat, confronted at the borders of the Kingdom his cousin Henri Ier Beauclerc, King of England and Duke of Normandy”. But also because this Henri Ier Beauclerc who threatens the royal domain of France will serve as a catalyst to strengthen the authority of the King on his lands. A great alliance of elves, men and dwarves…sorry, vassals of the crown of France will repel Henry I’s invasion without a fight. Like what, nothing better than a war against the roast beef to unite these barbarian French.
6. Philip the Long
In the line of kings who were tricked on their size or their corpulence, I named Philippe le Long (1293-1322), who by definition was tall. He died at the canonical age of 29 from commonplace dysentery. He will still have created institutions essential to the management of the Kingdom of France: an independent chamber of accounts, a scale of weights and measures and a single currency. A whole lot of things that his successors will apply to cheat. Especially the scale of weights and measures, relative to the size of his… kingdom.
7. Louis IV Outremer
Normally, there’s only the blue or the departments that are overseas, not the Louis. From 936 to 954, Louis IV will have reigned over the kingdom of the Franks. Called “Outremer” after a childhood spent in England, far from the mean people who wanted to kill him, he returned to France and chained losses worthy of a French tennis player at Roland-Garros. A trifecta, he lost in the east against the Duchy of Lotharingia, he lost in the west against the Duchy of Normandy and he was captured like a coward by his former ally Hugh the Great. Eventually, like all lovers of the trifecta, he died of a riding accident. Louis IV is the guy who breaks his wrist while skiing, while waiting for the butt lifter.
8. Charles the Bald
Anecdotal point: Charles the Bald (823-877), grandson of Charlemagne, was not so named because of baldness but because he shaved his head as a sign of submission to the authority of the church. To compensate, he let his mustache grow. End of story point.
9. Clodion the Hairy
Last Frankish king of Antiquity, Clodion reigned between 390 and 450. He was called “Hairy”, not for his passion for Francis Lalanne, but for his belonging to the first generations of Franks, descendants of Hairy Gaul. Really, that’s a lot of hair all that, it’s like being in the 60s of Antiquity.
10. Thierry IV
So the problem with him is that there is no Thierry in the royal dynasties and suddenly, PAF: Thierry 4. Already Titi, he’s not a king, he’s an uncle little dodgy who makes you jokes like “you know what runs and what throws…”. In short, Thierry 4 is part of this list for the state of patronymic shock in which he left us.
11. Æthelred the Misguided
English king, he loses his kingdom to Sven “with the forked beard”, King of Denmark. They had to meet these two. He recovers his Kingdom when Sven dies a year later. He loses it again to Knut the Great, son of Sven, who again invades England in 1016 and, this time, has the decency to die to the Great Dane. Misguided… to be born that one!
12. Edward the Confessor
Even though he has the name of a priest who makes headlines, Edward the Confessor (1004-1066) is an English king famous for having acceded to the throne of England thanks to Godwin of Wessex, not that of the point, and would have rubbed shoulders with a certain Lady Godiva. Yes, Lady Godiva, the one from Queen’s song. According to legend, she allowed her husband Leofric of Mercia (definitely) to collect more taxes by riding naked on his horse through the streets of Coventry. Method to study if the withholding tax does not work.
13. Henry II “Short Coat” Plantagenet
Despite this ridiculous nickname linked to dress habits of the “mini-toga” style, Henry II (1133-1189) is perhaps the King of England who put the Kingdom of France in the greatest danger, both through his military campaigns than by the strategic marriages he arranged. At its height, the “Plantagenêt Empire” encompassed more than half of the royal territory of France. We didn’t come far from having the fish and chips as a flagship of our gastronomy…