All the babies in the world have understood this well: the best way to have their parents at their complete disposal is to weaken them as much as possible. Naturally programmed to wake us many times each night for more or less valid reasons, the young toddler will very quickly tackle a job of psychological undermining by showing up each time we have the audacity to have the slightest activity that is not centered on him.
1. Drink a coffee
First affront of the day, Mom wants to drink a coffee to get in shape. Take the test, whether it’s the sound of the coffee maker, the microwave, or just the gurgling of coffee in the cup, the child will immediately start crying. Some will think of thwarting this rude trap by trying to drink their coffee while giving the bottle, but very quickly the brat will counter-attack by trying to knock the cup over with big blows of tiny and allegedly uncontrolled little fists. Drink your coffee cold, and that’s it.
2. Take a shower
The little one quickly understood that a neglected parent, even not clean, even downright filthy, will find it more difficult to have a hectic social life, and therefore more time for him.
3. Phone. Just call
Here the child can show the extent of his vice by selecting the calls that will make him react. If it’s the family who calls to hear from your little wonder, he will continue to sleep like a blessed person. If the call is for an administrative purpose, it will just whine to keep you from being fully focused. But if you try calling friends so you can talk at least once in your day about anything other than baby bottles or full diapers, then Chouchou will scream at the top of his little lungs until you give up. He has already gone to great lengths to make you look unpresentable, no need to try to fool him by trying to have a social life from a distance, no but!
4. Go shopping
He’s fast asleep in his stroller, and despite your greasy hair and brown skin, you decide to go shopping. As long as you’re wandering around kiddie stores, no worries, Chouchou likes to be well dressed to draw attention to himself, so he should leave you alone. Haha. Let me laugh. It’s ded.
5. Feed the Elders
The child not necessarily having arrived first in the family, he has to deal with adults who spend their days shouting, running around him, fiddling with him and trying to carry him. Worse, these parasites also claim the attention of their parents, so you have to react, and quickly. Rotting their meals for them is indeed an effective way since we don’t have time to cook, they will be condemned to be fed in a hurry with mashed potatoes/ham/plain yogurt for a few months, who is it? boss at the end?
All parents will tell you, from the maternity ward, the child will wake up the second the caregivers start distributing the meal trays. A weak parent being a docile parent, it won’t get any better, and out of pure sadism Chouchou will let you prepare your dinner only to start screaming the second you put your plate on the table. Gniark Gniark.
7. Apply nail polish
The meanest. Chouchou knows perfectly well that you have taken out your little colored bottles, but will quietly wait until all your nails are painted but not dry to claim his bottle. No, it’s not his time, but you’ve been looking for him too, haven’t you understood yet that he doesn’t want you to take care of yourself? So go dip your fingers in the nail polish remover, and feed him, unworthy mother. Or unworthy father, after all nail polish belongs to everyone.
8. Go to the bathroom
Gone are the days when you spent ten minutes there reading the latest Cosmo, from now on you will do your little business in ten seconds, watch in hand, door open, repeating over and over “Mum is coming my darling, Mum is coming, two seconds” … The most tenacious will even push the vice for whole years by screaming behind the closed door of the WC when their mother is there, even by demanding to enter there with them.
Were you hoping to relax for a few minutes? Forget. At the same time, at this stage, you are surely no longer in a condition to understand what you have in front of your eyes.
10. Take a bath
Joined point 2, out of the question that Chouchou lets you wash. And in addition you have the pretension to relax at the same time? Chouchou tells himself that he has really badly trained you, and will remedy it the second you are completely immersed in the bathtub. Because on top of that you’ll spill water all over the house going to see him. Well done.
11. Watch TV
Oddly, the child did not appear during the news, on the other hand from the first bars of the credits of your favorite series… Too bad. The advantage with Netflix is that you can watch it anytime. Even at night at 4am. Rare moment of freedom.
12. Hug your guy or girl
Frankly ? Haven’t you figured out yet that this fanatic full of miasma isn’t a sharer?
When you are told you should have adopted a dog instead.