Every year we try to warn you, every year we repeat the tricks to avoid being confused with game and yet every year it’s the same: there are lots of accidents because of the hunters during the hunting season. So we’re going to go back to the basics together and try to make it clear to you that no, you don’t really have the right to do stuff outside during this period and that if there’s a shit it’s your fault .
1. Walk in the forest (99% risk)
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Hunters are not completely stupid, they know that to catch game you have to go to the forest (except for roundabout rabbit hunters, but that’s another story). So quite logically if you go for a walk in the forest you pass for game, even wearing fluorescent clothes and constantly yelling “I am human”, because hunters might think you are a deer trying to fool them. .
Something less dangerous to do: Diving into the cooling basin of a nuclear power plant in a bathing suit.
2. Living in the countryside (73% risk)
Hunters rarely move into town to hunt, although they may feel like it, they are quite unpredictable. If you live in the countryside, it is safer to stagger your living hours by only going out between midnight and 4 a.m. to pick berries in order to feed yourself and collect water in the gutters.
Something less dangerous to do: Drink the water of the Ganges, the most polluted river in India which can spin you the current just by looking at it.
3. Gardening quietly in your garden (68% risk)
Do you have a small plot of land that you enjoy cultivating during your weekends? Do you have vegetable garden fever and have a green thumb? Stop right away, at least during hunting season, because odds and ends could happen to you. And by odds and ends I mean you could get kicked around badly for no reason just because you’re outdoors.
Something less dangerous to do: Drive a car very fast without hands and closing your eyes on a highway under construction.
4. Driving on a country road (84% risk)
You begin to understand that the countryside during the hunting season is more or less as dangerous for humans as a beach at low tide is for oysters during the oyster farmers’ fair. Although generally a car looks like a car, the hunter tends to shoot as soon as there is movement, even if he is in the middle of a national.
Something less dangerous to do: Eat flour. Like five pounds in an hour.
5. Go hiking (96% risk)
Here too there have been accidents, even if you are in the high mountains in an area where there is generally nothing to hunt, you are not safe. Hunters wait all year to be given the go-ahead to go kill stuff, so when the season is open, they go for it and even if you’re with your big hiking bag in shorts, you can look like a deer when the sun is in your eyes.
Something less dangerous to do: Caving in an active volcano.
6. Cycling (71% risk)
Look at a picture of someone on a bicycle. Now look at a photo of a boar family in the forest. Yes, I know, the resemblance is striking, so now you understand how hunters can confuse you. Ditch the bike until the end of the season and crawl around, but not too fast, you might be mistaken for a snake.
Something less dangerous to do: Try crack. Right after a good fix of heroin. While on a stationary chairlift.
7. Go for a jog
In fact, assume that from the moment you are moving you can pass for an animal trying to flee. This is more or less the common point between everyone involved in an accident: they were moving. And when you jog you move quickly so it’s boring, hunters see badly and when in doubt they shoot.
Something less dangerous to do: Ask to do a roller coaster without putting the safety bar on.
8. Breathe a little too hard (54% risk)
It might surprise them, they might turn around a bit quickly with the gun loaded and presto, the accident, the tile, bullshit. Breathe slowly, if you can afford it, even stop breathing.
Something less dangerous to do: Gnaw your arm for food.
9. Shopping (62% risk)
What other living being than a human walks around with shopping bags in a shopping cart? The brown bears of Auvergne, indeed, so if you have the misfortune to come across a gang of hunters, you may well pass.
Something less dangerous to do: You plant all the used syringes found in the garbage cans of a medical analysis laboratory.
10. Imitate the cry of the pheasant to mess around (200% risk)
Already who do you hope to make who laugh by imitating the pheasant? Aside from the pheasants themselves, no one really understands their language, so it’s a safe bet that your joke falls through. On the other hand, this shout will alert the hunters automatically and that’s a bad lease because they won’t join you to play a game of belote.
Something less dangerous to do: Imitate the hunter. But it can backfire, if you imitate them badly, some might think it’s the sound of a big Gascony wolf.
11. Dressing up as a boar or deer (93% risk)
There you are looking a little anyway, because if some hunters are able to shoot motorists you can imagine that when they see a wild boar pass they do not think more than that and weigh it down with bullets before dancing around its body thanking Gaia for this feast. Don’t play dumb either.
Something less dangerous to do: Eat a good and tasty roast stuffed with uranium.
12. Leaving home (400% risk)
Now there are even accidents near schools in the middle of the village, so in reality if you want to be sure of your shot, it is better to stay cloistered at home with the shutters closed, stay away from the windows, do not talk and wait for the government is taking real action. Which can take time.
Something less dangerous to do: Attempt to board a moving train, but from the front of the locomotive.