When they’re not cats (yes, yes), the 12 presidential candidates are also superheroes (well… It’s easy to say) endowed with superpowers, each one bigger than the other! How did you not know that? Oh guys, we’re waking up! The elections are in a few days, it’s time to get up to speed a little!
1. Mélenchon: the power of ubiquity
Translate “the power of being in two places, at the same time”. Very practical for hosting twelve meetings simultaneously, in 12 cities in France. As the saying goes “who sows everywhere, reaps nowhere”… Ah, not sure that’s great, actually?
2. Pécresse: the power to communicate with animals and the dead
MORE THAN THAT: the power to convince animals and the dead to vote for her. Practical, when the living endowed with a minimum of reason, flee from us. Baloise Valoche.
3. Lassalle: the power to turn water into wine
Very useful when you want to stay healthy. As we say at home “water is only for Ricard (preferably from Tonton), otherwise it makes you rust! “.
4. Le Pen: the power to live again 7 times
A power taught by his cats, which allowed him to run for president a third time, despite normally eliminatory remarks. WARNING WARNING Marine, you only have 4 lives left!
5. Hidalgo: the power to create invisible shields
His next project: a shield around all of Paris, allowing only bicycles and trotts to pass! That’ll come in handy, again. Thank you Anne.
6. Zemmour: invincibility
Haven’t you noticed how the various convictions for racial slurs and multiple accusations of sexual assault against him have no effect on him?
7. Dupont Aignan: the power of molecular combustion
Translate: “the power to break objects without physical contact”. And precisely… Guess what Dupont-Aignan manages to break us from a distance? Hehe.
8. Poutou: the power to light the fire
Besides, Johnny, it’s cat pee! And it’s not over ! Poutou also masters the words, the right sentences and the power to sting where it hurts like no one else. By far the most badass character of the band!
9. Jadot: the power of remote location
Aka the power to mentally locate anyone, anywhere. Too handy to know when your opponents are traveling to Sofia, this pretty Estonian capital. Oh? Hungarian? Uh… Romanian? Nope ? Always not ? Well… uh… It’s still a superpower, ok?
10. Roussel: the power of time travel
Ah shit… I am told in the atrium that it unfortunately remained stuck in the 18th century, under Louis XV. You know that period when hunting with hounds was considered a stylish thing lol? Someone to bring him back to us, please?
11. Macron: the power to make things disappear
A blink of an eye, and abracadabra, everything disappears. Among his most notable sleight of hand: French money and campaign promises. Weak point: too strong.
12. Arthaud: the power of invisibility
Conclusion: no matter which of these 12 “superheroes” arrives at the presidency of France, we are in deep shit. Oh yeah, life is not a fucking movie. All is not well that will end even worse. Forgive my pessimism, I don’t have the power to relativize when it could confuse me at 3 km. But hey… While waiting for the coup de grace, I’m going to take this quiz on the coolest superpowers, way of thinking about something else. And you better do the same, okay?