Top 12 reasons to hate massages, oil sucks

There are 36,000 benefits of being single, and one of the most important is that you don’t have to give massages to your loved one. Yes, because massages are clearly overpriced (yes, yes, even those in salons, sorry) and to really relax, well, it’s better to take a good chamomile, as my lifelong idol, Cyril Hanouna, would say.

2. In general, you are obliged to give one in return

Yes, no one really does a massage out of pure sympathy, it’s always self-interested (ah well done selfishness). Especially since people who love massages love massages MUCH TOO MUCH, we know they will ask us for it all the time, so the easiest thing is to stop frequenting them.

3. It costs way too much for an hour of very relative pleasure

Already, to pay for an hour of massage, you have to start your PEL. But above all, you spend more time wondering if you have dirty feet, holding yourself back from dropping crates and repeating to yourself “Come on, let’s relax” than really relaxing. I didn’t sign up for that.

4. Either it’s good but very expensive, or it’s cheap but very gross

There is no in between. So, what do you choose, the bank loan or the traces of mold?

5. There is always a moment when it tickles

You may not be easily impressed by guilis, but there is always an unsuspected area that will make you want to squirm on the table as if you were 4 years old. Still.

6. You come out of there all sticky and you dirty your clothes

So that it slips and you don’t feel like you’re having your shoulder blades sanded, you have to squirt a lot of cream on your back, but especially body oil. Result, it doesn’t care everywhere, you have the impression of being a slide for dead skin and above all, you whip the linseed oil for three days afterwards.

7. It cuts your windpipe to have your face stuck in the hole of the massage table.

Yes, yes, I’m super relaxed there, thanks for your concern.

8. The institutes soundtrack sucks

Between the “whale cries” music that makes you cringe at the highest point, the sound of a “running river” that makes you want to piss its big daronne, and the “relaxation” music that is, in fact, just sad music that play on Virgin Radio, I give a lot of your mind at the end of the massage.

9. You have super oily hair above the nape of the neck and at the level of the forehead, it fucks up your blow-dry

Me, I had come to have a good time at the base, not to look like I was doing a sebum cure on my way out.

10. You spend half an hour staring at someone’s feet through a table.

So yes, if you are a researcher in sociology or you are preparing a documentary on the ieps photo market, it can be interesting because the different types of feet always mean something about you. But otherwise, it has no interest and it can especially disgust.

11. You have to put on a ridiculous little blue craft paper thong

We’re not here to put on a fashion show, as the grandmother of 85% of the population would say, but still, we have a dignity to keep, shit.

12. When it’s you massaging someone, you have to touch the very soft skin of your friends

And clearly even paid I have no desire to live that.

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