Top 12 atmospheres in the different campaign HQs tonight, a sad party

Hello my little apples. So I know tonight is a bad night for laughs. Yes, despite the existence of these things more surprising than the results of the first round, the disappointment is still there. But know that it would warm my heart a lot to know that I managed to take your mind off things with this humble top. So that’s all it takes to transport you away from it all by offering you a direct flight to the candidates’ HQs, where it’s sure, there’s a crazy atmosphere (it’s not true, there’s more atmosphere in my garage). By car !

1. At Valérie Pécresse’s HQ

What’s going to happen : People will be sipping grapefruit rosé while complimenting each other on the quality of their chinos and promising to meet at mass next Sunday. They will still smile when they think back to the time they got a dog to vote in the primary.

The playlist of the evening: “Maldon (sweep, polish)” by Zouk Machine, in tribute to their passion for Kärcher.

Those who go wrong: The CPE of the private college Saint-Jean de la Barre and an accountant from Versailles.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: Cheese, lots of cheese.

2. At Fabien Roussel’s HQ

What’s going to happen : The activists will discuss the prosecution of the Apé-Roussel and plan a little hunting trip to talk about all this in peace. The evening will be punctuated by a contest of oral imitation, bottle opening noise

The playlist of the evening: “Come have a drink at home” from License IV.

Those who go wrong: A civic education teacher from 95 and a farmer from Doubs who makes her own terrine.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: A good boar sausage.

3. At Emmanuel Macron’s HQ

What’s going to happen : People will get food delivered with UberEats just enough time to network a bit and take a few videos for their next TikTok before heading back to La Défense by CityScoot.

The playlist of the evening: Noises of electric scooters, so as not to be destabilized before the second round.

Those who go wrong: The two young Parisian start-uppers came to the campaign speech for their first date.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: “All in 1” protein shakers and bars.

4. At Jean-Luc Mélenchon’s HQ

What’s going to happen : A demonstration banner workshop will be set up to prepare the next actions before the legislative elections, just after a flash-mob of holograms all over France.

The playlist of the evening: The Rita Mitsouko.

Those who go wrong: Two best friends, in need of comfort after the outcome of this tragic evening.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: Guacamole and hummus, but the guy who ran the buffet forgot to take baguettes.

5. At Marine Le Pen’s HQ

What’s going to happen : People will start to meow in heart, and organize a little coffee in a cat bar the next day, to reflect on the continuation of the campaign.

The playlist of the evening: La Marseillaise, the original alternated with the medieval version.

Those who go wrong: The editor of the new version of Mein kampf and a student from Assas.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: Halal sausage until someone finds out and asks who brought that shit.

6. At Jean Lassalle’s HQ

What’s going to happen : People will talk two minutes about the results before heading to the buffet to put on the murge of the century.

The playlist of the evening: Jacky, your 4L and La pena baiona.

Those who go wrong: An activist from Lassalle is going to try to kiss the mistress of his son who friendzoned him a few months ago but, drunk to his toes, he is actually going to kiss the buttocks of his neighbor who was showing his ass.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: Pork on a spit, drizzled with red wine, with large sautéed potatoes.

7. At Eric Zemmour’s HQ

What’s going to happen : The Miss Pure-strain election will take place, with a parade in housewife’s clothes and a speech on the means of fighting against the great replacement.

The playlist of the evening: The essentials of George Brassens, until someone cut the music realizing he was on the left.

Those who go wrong: Booba and Veronique Genest.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: Quiche Lorraine 100% bacon and foie gras.

8. At Anne Hidalgo’s HQ

What’s going to happen : People will feign surprise for two minutes, then call the former Socialist candidates to say thank you for giving it a shot anyway with their support.

The playlist of the evening: Just the sound of her sobbing.

Those who go wrong: She, and her spouse, also her only voter.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: Vinegar chips, licorice and plain water.

9. At Yannick Jadot’s HQ

What’s going to happen : People will freak out and burn green plants before remembering the latest IPCC report and trying to undo their damage with their tears.

The playlist of the evening: “To Citizen Trees” by Yannick Noah and “The Hymn of Our Countryside” by Tryo.

Those who go wrong: Two couples who are going to try swinging for the first time because YOLO the planet doesn’t have much longer

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: Quinoa salad and pumpkin cake made with buckwheat flour.

10. At Philippe Poutou’s HQ

What’s going to happen : People will tear up banknotes and put on their yellow vests in front of a replay of their champion’s best punchlines (which is not last, yay). The world record for the number of people contained in a single harem pants will also be beaten.

The playlist of the evening: The whole Bérurier Noir album.

Those who go wrong: A sociology student and a yellow vest.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: Ham and butter sandwiches.

11. At Nicolas Dupont-Aignan’s HQ

What will happen: His 3 supporters will leave quietly, their tails between their legs.

The playlist of the evening: “And now” by Gilbert Bécaud.

Those who go get caught: Two guys in suits.

The thing that people will eat at 2 a.m., completely pissed off: Chloroquine because Raoult said it was good.

12. Nathalie Arthaud’s HQ

What’s going to happen: A sickle-throwing contest, anyway, they already knew they weren’t going to win, so make the trip profitable.

The playlist of the evening: The International, in loop.

Those who go are caught: Jadot and Poutou, come to pass a head.

The thing that people will eat at 2 am, completely pissed: Pasta, even if its price has increased with the conflict in Ukraine.

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