Since the existence of the start-up, the world of work has had a serious turnover as they say in the industry (well, I think). We have the right to take naps at the office, bring our dog to piss on our colleagues and play foosball during our working hours. But the life of the start-up is not as joyful as we think and because of it, we now have to deal with lots of completely broken concepts that come to mess up the world of work. We had a good laugh, but that’s enough now, let’s stop the bullshit.
1. The masturbation break
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Out of inspiration? With the Swedish company of Erika Lust, which produces pornographic films, you can find all your creativity by taking a little masturbation break. Yes, because the boss of this production company allows her 36 employees to take a little time out for pleasure in a place specially designed for self-groping. Who for a little handjob between colleagues, between two brainsto?
2. Maintenance while running
We already had plenty of evidence that LinkedIn is hell on earth, but this post from a recruiter definitely convinced us to ban this social network forever. In fact, we see a guy applying for an internship/work-study program in data being forced to do a running job as a job interview. And then what will it be? Interview on Goudurix at Parc Astérix? Balance sheet zip line with the most porcelain on the head? Reunion by climbing Mount Everest on tiptoe ????
3. The clay workshop to talk about his business vision
In October 2022, the company Hors Normes told Le Parisien that its methods of integrating new employees into the box were quite special (you will tell me so much). Hors Normes indeed asks newcomers to create a sculpture representing their vision of the company during a clay workshop, after a two-hour meeting presenting the company. You read that right, a clay sculpture. And afterwards, for Mother’s Day, they make salt dough necklaces to show the emotional bond that unites them to their mother.
4. Team building on ashes at The Office
In June 2022, 25 people were injured stepping on ashes during a team building organized by Goldbach, a marketing company. In the end, 13 of the employees even had to be hospitalized. If this story tells you something, it’s normal, it’s because it is freely inspired by an episode of season 3 of the series The Office where we see Pam walking on ashes during a evening on the beach with the whole team. When are managers going to stop wanting to imitate series, seriously?
5. Co-walking to meet
One day, a guy came and said, “You see that moment when we walk on Sundays after eating too much roast chicken cooked by the mother-in-law?? What if we did the same for our meetings??? and boom! The concept of co-walking was born, a concept which consists of meeting while walking with colleagues. I can’t take it anymore, get me out of this hell.
6. The chip for employees
The start-up does not have the time, which is why Three Square Market, which specializes in the sale of distributors, offered its employees to have an electronic chip implanted between their thumb and index finger. This chip allows employees to unlock their computer remotely, go through gates and pay. Not at all worthy of an episode of Black Mirror this story.
7. Bathroom breaks of ten minutes maximum
If you want nice working conditions or you’re the constipated type, don’t show up at ProBTP, because you’d be in trouble (lol, do you have it?). The company indeed imposes on its employees toilet breaks of less than ten minutes, which is still not much to overcome all our natural needs. It is therefore rather not in our interest to take our phone to the toilet.
8. Video to get fired
In May 2022, the Swedish company Klarna, which specializes in payment in instalments, perfectly illustrated the start-up spirit by dismissing 700 people with a pre-recorded video of the director. Video of the dismissal which was still broadcast in video. A nice way to say goodbye to his collaborators finally. This process had already been used by Vishal Garg, the CEO of the American start-up Better.com, to lay off 900 people. Beautiful people, aren’t they?
9. Self-assessment and self-dismissal, convenient to resign
Marc Zuckerberg is a very nice person (fake, archi-fake) who proposes to his lousy employees to self-diagnose themselves as bad and pushes them to resign of their own free will. In a June 2022 interview, the creator of Facebook indeed explained, about Meta employees: “I think some of you might say that this place is not for them. And this self-selection suits me”. So if you think you suck, you can take your things and get out, no one will hold you back. Psartek the atmosphere anyway.
10. Original CVs
No, the tweet below is not a joke, but definitely one of the start-up’s worst inventions. Such a turning point in the history of the internet that we have a whole top dedicated to creative CVs, that’s to tell you.
Do you see telecommuting? Do you see the holidays? Do you see telecommuting on vacation? Well, it’s called “tracances”, and it’s frankly a beautiful shitty concept that comes straight from the start-up nation. Let us enjoy our fucking quiet pool rosé!
Bullshit, bullshit, more bullshit, more bullshit. Holy constancy.