Making a film is like making an omelette: you start by taking a salad bowl, breaking the eggs into it, being careful not to spill any bits of shell, adding harissa and vinegar and mixing well. Ok that’s not at all how you make a movie or an omelet, I got off to a bad start on my top, but I’m going to rectify this situation right away so that it becomes better and better until its conclusion, what the movies with the worst twists failed to do (that’s how we hang up the wagons my little friends).
1. Star Wars: The Rise of the Skywalkers (2019)
But who are Rey’s parents in Star Wars? Is she Kylo’s sister as we are told in the first? Is she just a child of ordinary strangers as we are clearly told in the second? BUT NO BECAUSE she’s actually Palpatine’s little girl. Yeah, disappointing.
2. The Dark Knight Rises (2011)
It was as big as a house, it stank a little shit the more the film progressed and we finally had confirmation BECAUSE IN FACT Marion Cotillard is Talia Al Ghul, the daughter of Ras Al Ghul. It was predictable, awkward and almost as awkward as the on-screen character’s death (yeah, we’re still talking about it since it’s one of the most failed deaths in cinema).
3. Savages (2012)
The thing when you adapt a book is that you have to avoid doing anything by changing the ending for example. In Savages something incredible happens that has never happened in the entire history of cinema since IN FACT everything is in the head of the actress who imagines an ideal end. Wow, too much on the ass.
4. Terminal (2018)
So this one was incredible: we follow the story of the character played by Margot Robbie during the WHOLE film to realize what at the end? That they were twins from the start and that we weren’t following one character but two. On the other hand the film has nothing to do with the one where Tom Hanks is in an airport, stop asking yourself the question.
5. Pact of Wolves (2001)
Do we all agree that we read the same film title? That it’s about the Beast of Gevaudan and wolves? So why in the end did they put us a fucking lion in wolf disguise which in some shots looks like 4 meters long? The movie it’s called The pact of lions ? No. And the delirium about the fact that it’s a guy who controls the beast was really completely stupid.
6. The Number 23 (2007)
A man finds a book written by a guy named Topsy Kretts (“top secret” woah too well found) in which he discovers that the number 23 is EVERYWHERE IN OUR WORLD GENRE IT’S GOD. He starts to get a bit obsessed with numbers and in the end we realize that he was actually the one who wrote the book but forgot about it. If you ever find yourself lazy one day while working, read this point again to reassure yourself.
7. The Village (2004)
Characters live in a village of ancient times and fear the attack of strange creatures who want to kill them if they venture outside the village. EXCEPT THAT IN FACT the monsters were the elders of the village who wanted to prevent them from going out because there are cars outside. Yeah it’s actually happening in our time.
8. High Voltage (2003)
French slasher in which a young woman tries to survive a psychopathic killer so that we actually realize that she was the killer!! Oh dear, we really needed to put a twist here so we didn’t even consider whether it was believable or not (which it isn’t). No kidding, it was shocking.
9. Serenity (2019)
Fuck it, this is the story of a guy who catches fish and sleeps with his ex-wife while telling her she should kill her violent new boyfriend. BUT IN FACT IT’S NOT THE REALITY AT ALL because it’s in a video game that a kid developed whose father died and whose mother is in a relationship with a violent guy, so he made a game video in which his father comes back and tells his mother to kill his boyfriend.
10. Glass (2019)
Yes, we know it was the sequel to Split and Unbreakable, there weren’t too many possible twists for the end of the film on that. And yes we knew that David’s weak point was water, but the big reversal is that he drowned in a puddle of water? REALLY ? And we’re talking about the secret organization that covers the tracks of super-powered people? Whatever.