Ahhh, naivety. You who thought that your kid’s birthday was going to be a sweet moment of joy, with gifts and balloons, a pony in the garden and the happiness of your spoiled rotten kid… Nay, my dear, get ready to struggle, because a birthday, it can quickly turn into a nightmare.
1. When the clown turns out to be a bit drunk
At the same time, you found it on Le Bon Coin, it was the advertisement of a somewhat creepy old guy who wanted to “make ends meet less by making the children laugh”, whereas in real life it is his only job, that he is on file as a pedophile with the police and that in addition he stinks of first prize whiskey. You must have suspected that there was something fishy in this 12 euro performance.
2. When no one comes
Your child had made cute little invitations, but that’s life, no one came, everyone had something to do, like a pool or pony activity, or even math homework in delay. You have to face the facts: your kid has no friends.
3. When one of the guests has a big boo
You knew very well that one day the corner of this hyper designer glass coffee table was going to be a hit, but not in the desired way. Well, you didn’t miss it: there’s a kid who isn’t yours who ran, lost his balance, and smashed his head against this damn coffee table (in real life, it’s ugly, no one has had a glass table since 2008 you know).
4. A guest’s parents do not pick up their offspring
They thought a birthday party ended at 11 p.m., they didn’t understand the poor. No, that’s not true, they got it very well, but they wanted to take advantage of it to have a double session at the movies, those big bastards.
5. There is a gastro epidemic
None of the parents told you that their precious cherub had the “ass cold” for two days. You really think that this kind of info, you do not share it, at the risk of missing an afternoon of free babysitting. And that shit quickly spreads, and soon you find yourself with 10 kids taking turns throwing at each other. Big atmosphere.
6. All gifts are void
And ugly. Or double. But fuck the parents, stop being stingy when your kid is invited to a birthday, and be a little nice, I tell you that your child is going to eat and drink to the eye all afternoon AND IN ADDITION we have makes a gift list for a 10 year old.
7. You prepared a fruit salad as a cake
Yes, there you are looking too. What idea to plant candles on quarters of peaches? You don’t like children, do you? You weren’t crazy about making a chocolate cake like everyone else? It’s fine two minutes heathly fashion, but there are lines you shouldn’t cross, you truly served the worst birthday cake ever.
8. One of the guest children is allergic to EVERYTHING
With eggs, milk, peanuts, cat and dog hair, air, water and dust mites. Ah and then also, he is asthmatic. So it’s a hassle not possible to avoid returning him to his parents with anaphylactic shock. No, but what an idea to invite him too, frankly.
9. You totally missed that in a rum baba, there was the word “rum”
You wanted a cake that was a little original, a little exotic, and as a result you find yourself with ten drunken children puking everywhere or dozing in a corner while others are about to light up a big pestle (yeah the effects rum are pests).
10. Guest selection leaves something to be desired
The kids don’t support each other, they just yell at each other and hit each other on the face. Why did you insist on inviting the whole school?