When you become a parent, and therefore become responsible for a human life other than your own, you begin to develop certain anxieties, more or less reasonable. Well, sometimes you have to know how to take a step back and put things into perspective, otherwise you’re at “it” to become crazy. And by “that”, I mean not much.
1. DEATH DEATH DEATH
Yes, well, that’s common to all parents. You’re afraid he’ll trip and die, swallow his mash the wrong way and die, poop in his diaper and die, decide to piss you off and let him die, let him cry a little too long and die. The good news is that we are all just as stressed. The bad news is that there’s nothing you can do to prevent it, it’s called the maternal/paternal instinct. It is for this reason that you have become the only people in the world who do not laugh at the worst baby jokes. No you don’t want to know what’s worse than a baby in a trash can.
2. Fear of being kidnapped
What parent hasn’t doubled the rations of hugs on their kid when they saw an abduction alert scrolling on television? It’s a fairly common fear, that what you’ve made will be taken away from you. The problem with this anxiety is that it prevents you from watching the films/series where the children are kidnapped. Still, it looked good in Stranger Things for the kids, and for you.
3. The fear that it will go wrong
Kind that he ends up punk with dog, or militant of the Republicans, to parade at the side of Jean-François Copé, a sweater tied around the shoulders. You didn’t bother wearing him for 9 months, not sleeping for years and raising him by the sweat of your brow so that he thinks François Fillon doesn’t have to return the money.
4. The fear that he does not eat enough
Fear that happens every time he sulks his broccoli, or when he doesn’t finish his bottle. You also have the variant, which is that of the fear that he eats too much, when you see him put on a packet of Granola at 8 a.m. as breakfast.
5. The fear that he is not in good health
Like he gets a super super rare thing in Doctor House patient mode. With each gastro you consider the worst, telling yourself that if it is, the doctor’s diagnosis was not the right one, and that it is Lupus. And then in fact it’s fine, he poops a good shot and it starts again.
6. The fear that he will bring you a girlfriend or a boyfriend who is too dumb
Worse than Lupus is the fear that he or she will bring you an ugly, stupid guy (or girl), who smells of feet, is rude, and who is also a fan of Francis Lalanne. In these cases, you have to send him directly to boarding school, there is no other solution.
7. The fear that he looks a little too much like you
And that he does even worse bullshit than you did at his age. Yet you thought you had done the biggest bullshit in the universe, and yet your kid is surpassing you day by day. There’s something to freak out about, he’s going to end up in police custody.
8. Fear of being hurt
Whether it’s the nanny who keeps him, or a school friend, you’re always ready to pull out your saber to smash the face of anyone who would dare to consider hurting your bacon, whatever his age.
9. The fear that he has shitty musical taste
Yeah, imagine that your kid, around the tender and spangled age of adolescence, tells you that he’s a huge fan of Jul or Maitre Gims? What to do in these cases, apart from abandoning it on a freeway air? This is a terrible dilemma.
10. Fear of not knowing how to answer your questions
“Why are there holes in the cheese? “, “How far does the universe go? », « When are you going to die? », « Which came first the chicken or the egg? »… Oh but shut up, and go and tidy up your room and don’t get me drunk with your existential questions.
Yes, nothing is more stressful than giving birth. But between two strokes of pressure, it’s still much too nice to see these little droppings grow.