Work is a scourge that kills a majority of French people every year. Of these, some manage to say that they work for passion and not for money, usually hiding a personal life as gloomy and empty as a cinema at the preview of a Nicolas film. Bedos. Normally no one works for anything other than their salary, but that does not mean that you have to accept anything to get a raise, because a raise is often a sign of more responsibility and obligation to be serious. Here are some tips to never face it.
1. Not asking for it
Already the first indication: if it is not offered to you, do not ask for it, it is completely stupid. If you get it, you’ll feel like you owe something to your boss, like working hard or sticking to your work schedule. Believe me you have no desire to come to this.
2. Not working too well
One of the best ways to get a raise is to work hard, something you absolutely must avoid doing if you want to stay in that little comfort zone of mediocrity that you’re quite content with. Do as little as possible, do not hesitate to fall considerably behind on your work or better, to never do it.
3. Not attracting the sympathy of your superior
If your superior likes you, he is likely to accept or offer to raise you (especially if you work well). Don’t take that for sympathy, it’s his way of believing that he owns you, of holding you in respect. Send him to shit in front of everyone in a meeting for no reason or imitate the sound of a fart by blowing into your hand as soon as he tries to speak.
4. Never complain about your salary (and pretend to live the high life)
If you complain about your salary continuously you risk raising the question of a possible increase (if it is obviously justified). That would be a huge misfortune, so act like you’re drowning in money: come with overpriced clothes and eat foie gras every lunch while wiping your face with twenty-euro bills.
5. Try to get fired every two years from your job
The longer you stay in a job the more likely you are to get a raise, so the secret is to change often, preferably by being fired from the previous job. Try to perform badly enough in each position that you’ll be moved or eventually fired.
6. Failing his annual interview in style
This is where everything will play out, the annual interview is the best time to get a raise and this is where you have to miss everything. Start by calling your superior “my balls” and talking bullshit for twenty minutes. Punctuate with a dirty joke or an offensive remark about a colleague and laugh very hard while patting him vigorously on the back.
7. Asking an indecent amount for his increase
If ever you are left with no choice and you are offered a raise all the same, you have to ask for an absolutely indecent amount, like four times your minimum salary. In dollars. It’s always classier to ask for money in dollars.
8. Settle into your boss’s office
When we say “settle” we are not talking about coming to work there, we are talking about settling there to live, camping is your new watchword. Buy cooking plates, a cot and take advantage of a day when he leaves early to set up the accommodation and spend the night there. By discovering you lying in the room the next morning, it is unlikely that your superior will offer you a bigger salary.
9. Sink his box
For great evils, great remedies: the best way to put an end to these problems of increase is to sink your box. Well then yes, you will lose your entire salary and it’s boring, but at some point you have to know what you are ready to do to reach your goal.
10. Find a way to stay telecommuting continuously
Don’t come to the office anymore, stay home and work doing the bare minimum. You will know you have succeeded when your boss asks you to see you to make a point. Go to this meeting and insult him to get the interview off to a good start.