Here we are, or rather here you are. You’ve finally decided to leave your dull, pathetic life as a loser behind and become a winner. For a long time you thought you were the Harry Potter of the book of your life when you were just Ron Weasley’s bloody rat. But it’s over, thanks to this top you will have all the keys to being a real start-up boss and becoming someone important. In order to move forward together I’m going to call you Daniel, and since I’m a cool start-up boss I’m going to tell you, Daniel sucks, so I’m going to call you Dan. Have you seen how I talk like shit to you since the beginning of the top? Soon you will be able to do it too and inspire respect and admiration in others.
1. Find a solid concept for your startup
New ideas are rare, most good ideas have already been taken from elsewhere, which is why you should not hesitate to steal someone else’s idea and produce it faster than him. The law of the market is to arrive first on a concept, and then to improve it. The idea that you have stolen will probably be zero, but that’s okay: you will spend your time belittling those of others to enhance your own: the failure of others will be your elevator to the top. You saw I used the colon “:” twice in the same sentence, because I’m the boss and I don’t give a fuck about the rules.
2. Build a perfect team: favor interns and work-study candidates
You can imagine that the principle of being the boss of a start-up is to give a damn as little as possible, so you’re going to need employees. But who says employees says wages and charges and that’s boring. Hire the right people as managers, real winners, and for the rest go on interns and work-study contracts, it’s malleable and we can make them do the most boring tasks by using the phrase “no, but we all go through it”.
3. Only hire winners (or easily impressionable people)
To carry out your project successfully and above all quickly, you will need motivated people. And what motivates people the most? A shitty atmosphere and a pervasive feeling of dismissal if the job is done poorly. By pushing people to work unpaid overtime you will get the best out of them and they will respect you for it. And why won’t they leave? Because you will have fitted out the offices properly.
4. Arrange the workspace to create comfort that boosts productivity
slaves employees are going to work long hours in order to fill your pockets, which is why you have to pass the favor back to them. It’s boring but that’s how it is, and ultimately it’s quite simple. Install a water fountain in the offices, invest in a second-hand table football (even if it’s dented, who cares) and make a game console available. Do not install suddenly unhappy, it must come little by little, otherwise they will start to behave like spoiled children.
5. Give your team nicknames
Why do you think I call you Dan? Because it’s cool, it’s young and it creates a bond of intimacy between us while I generally don’t give a damn about you. If you call your team by nicknames they will understand that you are their friend, that’s also why when you use their real first name they will instantly understand the difference.
– Pat, come to my office! (The employee expects to play a game of ping-pong and share a special moment with you.)
– Patrick, come to my office! (The employee knows he screwed up and expects to be insulted and fired.)
Besides, nicknames can save you the day if you decide not to remember the first names of your team, then call everyone by an emotional nickname like “coffee maker” or “stapler”.
6. Compete with a bounty system
By setting goals for your team with bonus earnings you will see that everyone will start to get more motivated. But that’s not enough, it’s essential to turn people against each other by pretending that they are all insulting each other behind their backs. Example :
– Hey, Didier, Catherine told me you were so dumb that you hid your own Easter eggs. If I were you I would try to win the bounty by completing my objectives faster than her, because she is on track to win and that would prove her right…
Divide and conquer is the basis of management, otherwise they start to talk too much and get along well and before you even have had time to fart it is already talking about unions and raises.
7. Lather up on Linkedin, that’s what it’s for
Linkedin is hell on earth, it’s well known. But not for you who are part of high society, the tool was created so that you and the other bosses can finally get lathered up. If your employees adore you and rave about you, let the rest of the world know about it. Do not hesitate to give lessons on the social network and show how much you are a mentor and a quality team leader. Do not hesitate to pay to sponsor your message, it will be less that will go into the pocket of the proles who work for you.
8. Do not spare Team Building (at a lower cost)
Do you really think you can treat your team like crap all the time and never give them a bone to chew on? Holy Daniel, there aren’t two like you, you’re stupid, it’s not possible. This is obviously false, you also have to go through more boring stages such as team building. If your club has a good number you can take everyone for a day or even a night somewhere. Beware of trips too far or activities like quad biking, massages or that kind of thing: it costs a ball and you care about your balls. A good meal at Buffalo Grill (dish/dessert, they pay for their drink, don’t mess around) and an archery session in the parking lot of the club and it’s over.
9. Come to the office at irregular hours and write to your employees at indecent hours
The urgent message sent at 10 p.m. from the terrace of your loft must absolutely be written in a dry tone otherwise your employees will not take it seriously. It’s more or less illegal to ask for stuff outside of working hours, but that’s okay, you’re above the law. For your presence at the office come irregularly, so that you can spend days without coming but that your employees are waiting for an unexpected arrival and do not take advantage of it for nothing.
10. Make points with your employees to talk about you
You can organize these meetings when you have a little slack, like after a bad investment in the stock market or because your partner / companion has dumped you because you are only human shit. Take advantage of these moments to talk about yourself to one of your employees, you don’t even have to tell the truth, just show how much your life is better than his and put him down to inflate your ego.