Now that you have a child, you are NEVER alone. The sweet period of your life where you could do what you wanted, when you wanted, is over, you now have a little thing constantly stuck to your coattails. We’ll have to deal with it, you have no choice, sorry.
1. Go to the bathroom
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Before, going to the toilet was something intimate, personal. If you’re pretty well-mannered, you weren’t doing this with the door open. Now you go to the bathroom with your kid, not on purpose, but because he follows you around like a little dog.
2. Take a shower
Do you remember your long hot showers, or even (let’s be crazy), the baths you took after a long rotten day? It’s all over, you don’t even have time to wash your hair, just go back and forth under the float, without waiting for the water to be really hot, because your kid is in the bathroom with you, screaming that he wants to poop. Joy.
3. Watch a movie
It’s not that you don’t like it anymore, it’s just that you don’t have time to watch it anymore. If you think you can watch Lawrence of Arabia once the children are in bed, without being disturbed, you’re kidding yourself until… Up to where you want in fact. That’s why you only watch series that last a maximum of 20 minutes.
Every time you want to put something in your mouth, your child wants to taste it. It’s okay when you’re at the table and you’re eating vegetables, but it’s more boring when you discreetly make yourself a square of chocolate in the middle of the afternoon. You’re an example to follow now, so please rest this cake.
5. Go shopping
Gone are the days when you could spend hours on the shelves doing the January sales, surrounded by hundreds of other people. Now you have to manage to slalom with your stroller, and after ten minutes your kid is fed up and starts screaming. Next time, you’ll do the sales on the internet, huh.
6. Sex sex sex
Gone are the days when you and your partner spent hours quietly, without getting tired, and above all without a kid who wants to come into the room because he had a nightmare, because he thirsty, because he has to pee, or just wants to piss you off (let’s be honest). Thanks to that, you’re at least sure that you won’t make other kids. Children are the best contraceptives.
7. Stroll aimlessly down the street
The weather is nice, you have time in front of you, you want to walk a bit to get some fresh air. It’s without counting on your kid who takes you out every 5 meters that he’s tired, that he’s tired of walking, and who says he wants to go home to watch Mickey’s House.
Do you remember your last sleep-in? Yeah, it’s been several years. Now lack of sleep is part of your life, like the smell of vomit in your hair and the Legos all over the living room. You would give a lot to sleep more than 7 hours in a row.
9. Go out at night on a whim
Like without planning 3 weeks in advance for your release, telling the nanny, saving to pay her, and being able to walk down the street without a stroller. The unexpected and spontaneity are no longer part of life, so not so.
10. Read a book
It’s not easy to get caught up in the latest Da Vinci Code (why not?) when you have a baby who screams every 10 minutes or a kid who comes to talk to you every time he opens his mouth. The only reading that you manage to follow more or less lately is Here and Closer. And even.