Hi my bikers who have been listening to heavy metal for two days, how are you? Watch out behind you, there’s Vecna disguised as a coat rack. Completed Season 4 in two parts of Stranger Things and inevitably you want to know what will happen in the upside down world which is right now since there is a big red cloud above Hawkins and that even Evelyne Dhéliat, did she see anything coming? You’ve come to the right place, since I had the chance to have the screenplay previewed. Watch out behind you, there’s Hopper losing weight.
1. Will will finally be useful
Do you remember Will? Nah because in season 4 we think it’s a shopping bag sitting next to Mike in the car but in fact it’s Will. Well, it will FINALLY be used by the writers to do something other than paint stupid dragons and cry in cars. Season 5 is going to be its moment and it was about time. And also he’s going to have an amazing bowl cut, wait for it.
2. Eleven is going to take a bath in a footbath (but it’s for fighting)
Yeah so not especially to wash herself, but for the simple and good reason that to use her powers she has to be immersed like a knacky in a saucepan. Why ? No reason, there’s really no logic with the powers of this kid, one moment she can’t bring down a big moron on rollerblades and two episodes later she brings someone back to life and sends Vecna into the tunes as if it were a badminton shuttlecock.
3. Hopper is going to become a Witcher and get a Geralt hair style
Did you see him kill a demogorgon with a sword in the last episode of the season? It was as epic as it was pointless, but above all it gave him the opportunity to finally be able to enroll in the Witcher school and grow gray hair. A crossover is to be expected from Netflix otherwise I don’t see what this scene was for.
4. Vecna will smash everything…
Until now he was more in spectator mode who speaks with a deep voice and has fun with his big clock, basically he was a little useless, but in season 5 he will arrive super pissed because the kids have him ridiculed and he’s going to screw the little faces of the cool kids who ride bikes. Be careful, he is still behind you dancing the socca dance.
5. … But getting fucked by an 80s compilation
Yeah, that’s Vecna’s problem, he’s super badass but you throw an audio cd in his face and he loses all his powers. They say all bad guys have a weakness, but getting hit by a playlist sucks.
6. Nobody important is going to die
From the start, there’s clearly no major character who dies in Stranger Things, each time there’s a stupid scheme like Eleven who discovers an incredible power that resurrects everyone or a portal that takes people to Russia. So expect no one to die apart from Eleven, they have to kill her though.
7. Max will regain his sight thanks to a photo of Kate Bush
Or some bullshit like that that will relaunch the career of someone from the 80s that no one knows and everyone will become a “hyper fan” in 24 hours and act like they have known it all along. Concerning Max, we’re going to be entitled to “silly my brother he was mean but he’s dead”, “silly I don’t have Lucas anymore but in fact I love him” and this kind of bullshit until the end credits.
8. Jonathan will continue to serve this big vico for nothing
Aside from getting his go stung by everyone’s favorite kid and making pineapple pizza with Argyle’s other moron, Jonathan is on course to continue to be useless and have the worst role in the series. By the way, he is currently in your bathtub smoking a joint with a suede jacket.
9. Dustin will manage to limp on the same leg
Yeah because we saw him limp a right shot, a left shot in the last episode, it wasn’t very precise. Must say that already we did not really explain to the actor how he was injured, we probably had to say to him “do like you hurt yourself” and he was forced to manage. Poor kid Dustin.
10. Joyce is going to close her eyes to moisten them and finally decide if she should keep her mouth open or closed.
For four seasons she has been wide-eyed and mouth open like a crack addict who has just discovered how to make crack for free by scraping the plaster walls of her kitchen. It’s really time for her to blink, at least once, just so we know she’s still alive.