Top 10 things that make you panic when you are a parent (especially new parent)

When you become a parent, you can quickly freak out about anything and everything, because you officially become responsible for a human life other than your own, and in addition this little life has the annoying incapacity of not knowing s express before a while. So in the meantime you flounder, you grope, you interpret and you panic, but don’t worry: it’s not getting better growing up, yay.

1. When he is sick

He’s had a fever of 39.5 for 48 hours, it’s not going down, and he’s coughing. He’s going to die every time, that’s for sure, and you know you won’t be able to survive this. You find yourself typing all her symptoms in the search bar of your internet browser, to end up discovering on Doctissimo that petitefolle_BB4_du06 discovered that her daughter had an orphan disease which presented the same symptoms as your kid. You finally call SOS M├ędecins at 2 a.m. when in fact it was just a bad cold.

Top 10 things that make you panic when you are a parent (especially new parent)
Picture credits: Topito

2. When he starts to become independent

Already, the trouble started when he learned to walk. There, it was the beginning of the end. Who says walk, says talk, who says talk, says pass his baccalaureate, then pass his license, meet a girl, get married and have children, and boom, here you are a grandparent in less than 4 bats of an eyelash.

3. When you see he sucks at school

He brings only bad grades, never listens to his teachers, hates going to class and still can’t write a sentence without making mistakes. That means he’s going to waste his life, end up long-term unemployed, maybe suddenly become a thug and do organ trafficking, and you’ll have to go see him every week in prison.

4. When he brings his first guy/girl

It means that he or she has a sex life, that if it happens he does not even use protections, and that he will come back with a very boring sexual disease like hot piss or worse: a child at 15 and a half. And you’re way too young to be a grandparent, that’s out of the question.

5. When he leaves home for good

While you’ve been telling yourself for years that it wouldn’t be bad if he found an apartment and got on with his life, because at almost 30 years old, this whole thing is getting a bit boring. Except that the day it happens, you completely panic that you no longer have him under your roof, while you continue to cook for three, as if he were still there.

6. When you find firecracker butts in his pocket

Pocket that you searched discreetly after smelling his breath one evening, his eyes being as red as a rabbit with myxomatosis. So, if he smokes firecrackers, that means that in two months he’ll be on heroin, and he’ll end up in a gutter with a syringe in his arm.

Top 10 things that make you panic when you are a parent (especially new parent)
Picture credits: Topito

7. When he doesn’t call you on the way home

When he promised to do so when he left your house after dinner. He doesn’t answer your texts or calls, and you end up phoning every hospital in the area to make sure he wasn’t found in a ditch. Whereas in truth, it’s just that he forgot to warn you that he was home, and that he was already asleep.

8. When you see him hanging out with little jerks

Even if it’s in kindergarten, you panic as soon as you see him become great friends with the little scum of the playground, the one who traffics in candy and watches the girls in the locker room of the playground. It’s out of the question that your kid becomes like them.

9. When school calls you

As soon as you see your kid’s school number pop up on your phone, your brain is already mulling over the possibilities of that call in less than three seconds, ranging from sudden gastro to hardware degradation. You’re already imagining having to pick him up and take him to the doctor if that’s the first option, or send him to a reformatory with non-pacifist Buddhist monks if it’s the second. When in fact, it was just to remind you not to forget to pay for the canteen.

10. When you watch his Spotify playlist

You have always done everything to educate him with a good musical culture. As parents, you have been quite intransigent on this essential point. And one day, out of curiosity, you look at his musical favorites in his non-protected playlist, and your heart stops: he listens to Jul. That’ll teach you not to put on a condom, all that for that.

Top 10 things that make you panic when you are a parent (especially new parent)

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