Your mother has surely repeated it to you dozens and dozens of times: “What you see on TV is not real life! “. She was right. Even if we would very much like to be able to give birth in the snap of a finger, wake up fresh as the morning dew and always park safely: this is not really how things really happen. When the cinema wants us to believe that we can eat tomato sauce without getting stained… We should see that we don’t take ourselves too much for idiots either.
Table of Contents
In the cinema, you don’t need much. For a heterosexual sex scene, here’s how it goes: two languorous kisses and sir is already in madam. It lasts an hour, it screams in all directions, then they end in unison, before falling asleep peacefully against each other. In real life, there’s a thing between kissing and penetration called “foreplay” that can last a relatively long time. If there is penetration (yes, because it is not systematic), we do not go into “jackhammer” mode for an hour. Besides, it rarely lasts that long. Finally, after the part of legs in the air, it’s the circus. Madame runs to the bathroom, one hand between her legs for safety, while Monsieur cleans his body a bit. We are far from the immediate interlaced dodo. It’s less glam, but it’s real life.
2. The awakening
In which film do we see the main character raising his hair all over the place, looking at himself in the mirror to pick the poo out of his eyes, turning his head, seeing the toilet, taking a little walk there. Yawn. To realize that he really stinks of the beak? At the cinema, people raise their hair a little disheveled (the disheveled hairdo who asks you for 1h30 of work every morning), splash a trickle of cold water on their face, before patting their cheeks and cast a small smile in the mirror. We don’t spend the same nights, I think.
3. Manhole covers
This is not common to all productions, but it happens that in certain scenarios, people flee or hide thanks to the sewers. At the time of returning to the open air, they climb a long ladder, and quietly raise the manhole cover, to climb onto the sidewalk. Seriously ? Have you ever tried to lift this thing? It weighs at least 50 kg! It doesn’t lift like that, at arm’s length, balancing on a ladder, does it.
4. No one ever asks to spell anything
The phone is ringing. “We have probably identified the victim. It could be Mrs. Rockshfeltherd. Henri, get me as much information as you can about this woman. Hey there, brave Henri types his name into Google, as if the spelling of “Rockshfeltherd” were obvious. In real life, the phone call would have been a tad longer: “R for patella, O for orange, C for chrysanthemum, K for koala, S for Sandrine,…. I repeat ? »
On the screen, Madame’s water breaks, has a very bad stomach, goes to the emergency room at the hospital, barely has time to arrive when she is already pushing. A few seconds later, baby is there. They place it on his chest, and his completely peaceful face lights up. In real life, you wonder if your water really broke or if you just peed on yourself. You go to the hostel tranquillou, after taking care to do some things in your house. Once at the hospital, they put you in a room, and you wait. You wait. You wait. You are hurt. We ended up giving you an epidural. You wait. You wait. It finally kicks off. You push. The baby is too big. Episiotomy (if you’re not lucky). You push. You suffer. You sweat. You finally get there. They put your baby on your chest, and your red face, soaked with sweat and tears, your little hair stuck to your forehead and your swollen eyes, also light up. The process is the same, we are just much less fresh than Phoebe after such an effort, what. Births at the cinema = mythos.
6. Car parks
In the cinema, you never see a driver looking for a place for hours. Go around the city three times. Consider abandoning your crate in the middle of the street. Cry. Yell. Fight with 3 other cars for the space that is freeing up. Consider paid parking. Can’t find a place there either. To be overwhelmed with emotion at 10 p.m., when the car is finally parked, after hours of hassle. Meanwhile, at the movies, they have so much time to waste and seats available that they have fun making their tires squeal. GNAGNAGNA.
7. Indoor shots
In most action movies come indoor shooting scenes. The character points his gun, fires a bullet (or more) and runs away. A few minutes later, he resumes his course of action, the air of nothing. In real life, shooting like that without a helmet is sure to end up deaf. At least a few hours.
Like the gunshots, the explosion scenes are not very realistic. Standing only a few feet from the area, advancing towards the camera in slow motion, looking badass, is very stylish, but also very impossible. In reality, you could die from a projectile propelled at high speed by the explosion. In any case, at this precise moment, we do not think of marching as in a parade. We run, or we jump on the ground. And we cry loudly.
9. Turn on the TV and fall right at the start of the news flash that interests us (as if by chance)
In reality, when we turn on our TV, we first have a mini outbreak of hives when we hear Hanouna’s voice. We zap as quickly as possible to prevent our eyes from bleeding too much. We arrive in the middle of the news of France 2, but we first get the news on the strike at the Saint Cloud school in Béarn, the lily of the valley festival and the world championship of gray shrimp shelling before we can finally look at what interests us. It’s long, boring and unproductive.
10. Gift openings
It’s really only in the movies that people wrap their presents in a little square box, so that the person receiving the present just has to pull on a pretty satin ribbon to open it. We suspect that it’s easier for the accessories department, which doesn’t have to go through 45 repacks between each take, but hey… You have to know what you want, huh. Practicality or reality?