You’ve always suspected her of having a secret identity. And even if she often tries to cover the tracks with her overflowing affection and her gentleness that is far too exacerbated not to be suspicious, you are not fooled. Your mother is a spy.
1. She decodes all your emotions instantly
And as you know, you do your best to adopt the most neutral facial expression when you arrive at her house. Except that with its ultra-developed scan, it easily detects the slightest unusual oscillation on your face. And despite your reluctance to tell her what’s wrong, she always manages to make you spill the beans.
2. She could take down anyone who comes after you.
Really. All she has to do is find out that someone hurt you or spoke badly to you and she immediately turns into a torpedo. You’ve already seen it in action when your primary school mistress had the misfortune to punish you and your mother stormed into school to tear her to pieces. No one ever found his body. Nobody.
3. Whatever item you lost, it will only take him a minute to find it
It’s very annoying because you’ve been looking everywhere for your keys for thirty minutes. You’ve walked around your apartment a hundred times and looked in unlikely places. You came close to crying and suspected a poltergeist of having fun hiding them to drive you mad (manage your emotions a little anyway). And then, she, she arrives quietly to help you. And after just a few minutes, she disdainfully hands you the keychain.
4. She memorizes all the things you say to her, even the most insignificant ones.
And you say lots of uninteresting things about it. But often, you are fascinated by his ability to remember everything in detail. It’s a real database: at the slightest attempt in bad faith on your part, it puts you back in place with the truth. And you may know you’re wrong, you prefer to continue to deny, except that she too, she won’t let go.
5. Discreet, she acts in the shadows
In the morning, when you get ready, you scatter your stuff all over the place. In the bathroom, your pajamas act as a bath mat. You left your brush full of disgusting hair lying around, your socks from the night before. In short, it’s a horror scene that your helpless mother witnesses. And when you come home at night, miraculously, everything is clean. EXCEPT MIRACLES DO NOT EXIST, YOU IDIOT.
Well, maybe it’s also your father who is acting. Well that would be good. Anyway. You understood what, dads in the majority of cases do not jerk one off and it would be nice if that changed over time.
6. She’s your best cover for dodging nasty dinners.
It’s the “joker” card for Saturday night. You clearly don’t want to go out but you promised your friends to join them in this seedy bar with abject waiters. You have no way out because already last week you pretended to be sick to stay at home. And since honesty is not an option, you use your mother as an excuse. Who could knowingly encourage you to refuse to eat at your parents’ house? EH ? WHO ?
7. Your mother is the most beautiful in the world and we know it: secret agents are real bombs
And even if some jealous people who stink of their feet tell you that “beauty is subjective… gnagnagna…”, you know you’re right. In short, she meets the physical criteria to enter the profession and next to her, James Bond is downright banal.
8. She’s an expert in investigation, especially when it comes to your bedroom.
And yet, many people would be repelled by the idea of entering this den of Satan which looks more like a minefield than a room where one sleeps. Yet she does. She peeled all the files it contains: your diaries, your stock of condoms (unused, we hope) and then the slightest trace of illegal stuff or not with which she will necessarily confront you later. Courage.
9. She manipulates minds by slipping subliminal messages everywhere that she repeats tirelessly: “put on a scarf, it’s cold…. put on a scarf, it’s cold…. put on a scarf, it’s cold”
And it’s downright unbearable. But you suffer because you love it and over the years you hardly realize it. The scariest thing is when, mechanically, you start to hear her talking in your head because you feel like you’re getting sick and you know full well that she warned you five times that he was IT WAS GOING TO GET COLD TODAY.
10. She is devoted to you and would move heaven and earth for you
She’s loyal to you and a priori, always will be (unless you’re really very very creepy). Besides, you sometimes abuse it, dirty ungrateful. In short, you can count on her in all situations, even the most perilous. She knows how to react to any unexpected event and just for that, she would make a perfect secret agent. You just got dumped, you rush into his arms and already you’re better.
In short, if your mother meets some of these criteria, it is very likely that she is a spy and you can feel safe. Everything will be alright…