1. You are allergic to pollen
Already that you spend 6 months of the year crying non-stop while you live in the middle of Paris, it’s a safe bet that nature will get the better of you before you even have time for eternity… AAAAAH… aaaa … AAACHOUM. Oh, too late.
2. If there’s a mosquito around, it’s bound to be for your apple
Spring, summer, autumn or winter, in the middle of the city or in the middle of nowhere (like… in Limoges?) you manage to get bitten. In the middle of the forehead. At the intersection of the fingers. Underfoot. In short, what fun! Thank you sticmous (meaning mosquito, in verlan).
3. You only know how to sleep in complete darkness and complete silence.
I’m sorry to tell you, but… You may be a cabin ace… There will be no shutters or double glazing in your little makeshift house. So… In addition to light and noise, it’s also an open door (or window) to mosquitoes and pollen. I’m not redoing a drawing for you, but just, forget it. It’s not for you, that’s all.
4. You spend 45 minutes a day in your shower (but at least you pee in it)
In nature, it’s the hard way. To shower, it will be icy waterfalls, lakes full of mud or frozen rivers. Much greener than your three-quarter-hour showers, but much less pleasant all the same. However, the good news is that you can continue to pee at the same time! In addition to warming up the temperature a little, it limits your water consumption and it’s good for the planet. There’s not that bad in this story, youpiiii!
5. You only buy triple-ply toilet paper
Since we are in the theme “pee poop” (my favorite), you will certainly be delighted to learn that in the middle of the jungle, you will have no choice but to use a small leaf of bamboo or palm tree. In the mountains, beware of nettles! It could quickly become… Urticating?
6. You are afraid of pigeons in Paris
So hey… I don’t want to underestimate you, but chances are that snakes (and reptiles of all kinds), insects, owls singing in the middle of the night, spiders,… But ? Nope ! Why are you running away? Stay a bit, I’m not done!!
7. You regularly twist your ankle while walking around town.
I know… The little sidewalk step. Terrible. But imagine in the middle of nature… The holes in the ground, the roots that come out of the ground, the small slippery pebbles or the large stones in the middle of the paths. No really. Out of respect for your little feet, don’t venture there. It’s too dangerous.
8. You are unable to spot any constellation in the sky.
“Follow follow, the star of the bergeeeeer” he sang. Yeah, okay, yeah. But what is the evening star, exactly? Which one shines the most? But it’s not the pole star, is it? How is it the same? Oh, I don’t understand anything. In any case, from the moment you call something that looks like a saucepan “Big Dipper”…
9. When you pick up things to eat in the wild, you always trust your instincts.
“Oh but this little red and white mushroom is so cute”, “Mmmmh, these little red berries are too appetizing”, “Ohhh but these little black berries are also too cute”. Yum yum the good salad that sends you straight to the hospital!
10. You don’t sit in the grass without a small towel under your butt.
Because “I don’t want to get dirty”, and “it’s not comfortable”. Ok champion, and where do you think you’re going to sleep, in the middle of nature? On a small cozy mattress? Spoiler alert: NO. At best, it will be grass. At worst, mud. Sand (which will slip into every corner of your body). Or even worse: you won’t sleep anymore, because of the monsters in the forest.