Summer is the season for feet outdoors, shivering in the warm August breeze and fanning out for beach fun. And what are the best shoes for your little feet to enjoy the benefits of summer? The Birkenstocks, of course. Pumps that we love them so much that we think we should legalize marriage with our shoes.
1. You will always have class
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Birkenstocks being the bourgeois of flip-flops and sandals, you’ll always be considered very distinguished when you wear them, whether it’s to your errands, to an interview or to a funeral. The Louboutins, pff, it’s on-side.
2. Your feet will never smell again
Your little toes will live their best life in the open air and you’ll never again be bothered by the smell of old camembert that got too hot in the sun. Your loved ones will thank you.
3. You will no longer spend your money unnecessarily
In addition to lasting for years, Birkenstocks are somewhat multifunctional shoes that go perfectly with everything. No more buying three different pairs of sneakers, sandals, boots and loafers. You can use your “Birk” in all circumstances and you can use all the money saved to pay for your rounds of shots on weekends. Or pay off your debts, that’s fine too.
4. You will always be super comfortable in your push-ups.
Without any exaggeration, Birkenstocks are the most comfortable shoes in the world. You’ll feel like you’re floating all your life on a little cloud because the sole will take the shape of your foot and you’ll feel like you’re in slippers. And no one can steal them from you.
5. You won’t waste time looking for which pair to wear
At the limit, you will be able to wonder about the color to wear to match your outfit. But no longer need to spend an hour in the morning wondering if it’s not too cold to put on sandals but at the same time not too hot to put on sneakers. Efficiency is the mother of joy.
6. You will no longer apply polish unnecessarily
Nothing worse than making you a super nail art and not being able to display those beautiful miniature chickens you drew on your toenails. With your Birkenstocks, you will finally be able to show off your talent to the whole world and earn the respect of your peers. Because it’s two minutes to spend three hours getting your nails perfect to hide them in your socks that don’t even have holes in them.
7. You will always be ready for a beach moment
Imagine, you win a game show and you are told “You are leaving immediately for the Seychelles, the private jet is waiting for you”. But if you’re in Dr. Martens, you’re in deep shit for your week in paradise. Whereas with your Birkenstocks, you will be ready and you will never be caught off guard. And yes, it’s smart, I admit it.
8. You will command respect from anyone who crosses your path.
Your faithfulness to your Birkenstocks will arouse the admiration of other members of the human species, for only a great Man can wear such shoes whether it’s raining, selling or snowing.
9. You will be able to create the new Birk-socks fashion
Honestly, tap-socks, who’s still doing that in 2020? No, while Birk-socks, that, it throws. You will have heard it here, we will soon see this magnificent combo at Fashion Week. Just saying.
10. You will look very smart
Anyone who wears Birkenstock knows how to pronounce the name of the brand. Well, I guess… So he’s a person with an intelligence quotient well above the average. One can even think that at the end of several years of intensive carrying, the wearer will even be able to spell the name of his push-ups. And that is a feat without name.
11. THEY’RE CORK SHOES!
Fucking cork! Do you understand that?