“Pregnancy is great, you’re radiant, you carry life, it’s magnificent” blah-blah-blah… And if not, shall we stop lying to each other for two minutes? Can we stop pretending that carrying a living being in your stomach for 9 months is the most fulfilling experience of your life? No, let’s make things clear: being pregnant is horrible, and not just a little.
1. You can’t drink
Yeah, not even for your birthday, for Christmas, to celebrate a promotion, or because you just fancy a little glass of red when you get home from work. No nothing, nada, nothing, and this throughout your pregnancy. And frankly it’s a long time, 9 months.
2. You can’t smoke
And even if you still want to light up a cigarette and say to yourself “it’s okay, it’s just a cigarette”, you have the image of your baby in his pocket, breathing in your smoke and coughing (thank you anti-tobacco prevention campaigns, it works). Suddenly, you let off steam on the food, and that annoys you.
3. You have to control what you eat
Hard cheese, soft cheese, oysters, charcuterie, well-washed vegetables, well-cooked meat, and bla-bla-bla. As long as you hit yourself with a little gestational diabetes and that’s the pompom, you won’t even be able to console yourself with a chocolate bar.
4. Level meds, it’s shit
You look at all the instructions for your medications before taking them, even if you just have a little headache. You have the impression that all drugs are forbidden for pregnant women, and the Spasfon is fine for two minutes, huh, but now you would like to have a real painkiller that wouldn’t risk growing a third arm on your baby.
5. Everyone gropes you
Whether it’s the people around you who want to touch your belly without your permission, or the gynecologists / midwives who fuck you with gloved fingers to know the opening of your cervix, you’re constantly groped, and frankly it’s isn’t in the sexiest way.
6. Thank you poop symptoms
Between the nausea, the breasts that swell, the acid reflux, the constipation, the moods of shit, the heavy legs and the back pain, we are there, level general hassle. “Pregnancy is a great time,” my butt, yeah.
7. Your sleep sucks
Either you sleep all the time, or you don’t sleep at all, and when you finally manage to pioncer you have to manage to settle down without your huge belly bothering you, all while getting up every 10 minutes to go pee , Day and night. Great.
8. You no longer exist
You, your personality, your existence, everything is relegated behind your huge belly and your future motherhood. You are no longer yourself, you are a “future mother”, which implies for others that you adore children, sweetness, butterflies, glitter, unicorns and love. Go touch yourself, and give me a fucking beer.
9. Your body is stoned
Between swollen breasts, your widening pelvis, stretch marks, flattened feet from all that extra weight, greasy hair, shiny skin and extra pounds, you can’t make it anymore. to recognize you. But hey, for the others you are “radiant”. Shut up.
10. You will have to give birth
Yes, because pregnancy is a pain, but it’s not the worst. You have nine months to prepare for what you are about to experience, this enormous trauma full of blood, screams and sticky placenta, with or without epidural, with or without episiotomy, with or without suction cup, with or without spoons, but with contractions and pain. Yippee.