That’s it, it’s summer, the start of vacation, traffic jams on the highway, heat waves, rednecks in flip-flops and foam parties. But it’s also the hours spent on the beach by the sea, burning under an umbrella in the middle of all the assholes who do the same thing as you, celebrity magazine in one hand, sunscreen in the other, with your kid and those of the others running around. Next time, abstain, it will be better for everyone.
1. You won’t be able to take your eyes off him for a minute.
Because you know if he does, even 30 seconds, he’ll end up at the other end of the beach, or in the middle of the water, or at the bottom of a hole dug by another kid. Result, the beach is no longer synonymous with vacation, since you do not have a second of respite.
2. You’re going to have fun with other vacationers
Because your kid is going to throw sand on their towel, or in their eyes, or he’s going to make too much noise, or he’s going to get the wrong towel, or he’s going to smash the other children’s sandcastles, in short, you risk to come across a bunch of idiots who won’t like it. And vacations aren’t made for fighting.
3. You’ll have to spend a fortune on sunscreen
Between the 8000 index cream which costs half an arm, the anti-UV t-shirt, the hat, the glasses, the anti-UV parasol too, you’ve already burned a good part of the holiday budget, all that so that your kid ends up taking everything off and bathing naked.
4. He’s going to catch a yeast infection
There’s nothing clean about sand, especially when you imagine the number of people a day who put their bottoms on it. It’s a blow to catch fungal infections, warts and mushrooms, but not the ones you can eat in salads, you can imagine. Really lovely.
5. All that to end up losing it and having to call the coast guard
Because your kid looks like everyone else, and you realize after half an hour that your eyes are not yours, but an average kid who has his own parents. Which means that you have absolutely no idea where yours is, and there is total panic.
6. Sand is itchy
Yeah, and water gets wet, I know. Except that having a kid who spends his day complaining because he has sand in his underpants, in his hair, it gets him drunk, and blah-blah-blah, frankly next time leave it to hotel eh.
7. The water is cold
Well yes, the water of the sea or the ocean, it does not have the same temperature as the water of the swimming pool. Except that your kid can’t stand it, and he demands to go back to the hotel/campsite/AirBnB to throw himself into water at 28 degrees, and no less.
8. You will end up buried under the sand
Because after a while, your child is going to get bored, and his favorite activity is going to be digging a big hole for you to put yourself in and have it cover you in sand. Any shrink can tell you that there’s a little thing to dig into in relation to death and Oedipus, but hey, we’re not there yet.
9. You will have to go there at respectable times
Like before 11 a.m., and after 5 p.m., during the coolest hours of the day, so that your kid doesn’t look like a merguez sausage forgotten on a barbecue grill. Except that you really want to burn all afternoon on the beach, like between noon and 4 p.m., but no, that’s no longer possible, you have to be reasonable. What a pain.
10. He’s going to ask you for yucky donuts
You know, the ones that hang out in the beach attendant’s little wicker basket and stay locked up in the middle of the dodger for hours… Precisely those, preferably with Nutella, sold for 4 euros, when overall, it’s just oil and sugar. What a scam.