Top 10 reasons not to call your son Edward, the worst first name in the world

There are two things that horrify me the most in the world: manslaughter and people named Édouard. Don’t ask me why, but every time I hear someone say that name, my blood freezes and I feel like someone is driving a stake through my heart, a rather unpleasant feeling.

This top will be illustrated by famous Edwards and you will see, there are not many of them.

1. It means “custodian of wealth” and therefore by extension, big stingy

Initially, Edouard is written Eadweard. In Old English, ‘ead’ means ‘wealth’, while ‘weard’ means ‘the keeper’. Alright, are you connecting? So, you can just as well call your brat “Steward” or “Accountant”, it’s about the same thing.

2. It rhymes with trap, ignorant, closet, but not only

There is a plethora of obscenities including the suffix -ard but out of decency and politeness, I will refrain from writing them to you. Even if the desire does not fail. Oh no.

3. There are already nearly 31,435 Edwards in the world, it’s too many

One more or one less when there are already so many… Who cares, huh? Is that really what you want? That your child grows up in the most total indifference? Self-centered.

4. It’s clearly a vampire name

And there, it’s really the big lose. Because you will be destined to live for millennia stuck in a tortured adolescent body chasing after a big frigid who can’t smile for five films.

5. The average age of the Edouards is 74, not very young very young

Good. Obviously, this statistic is not super reliable since it varies severely from site to site. But in any case, it’s an old man’s name. And every time you say it, it smells musty.

6. It’s the name of our former Prime Minister, so we risk confusing it with

And it’s still quite annoying if we start stalking your four-year-old son in the street to ask him to account for the latest reform that came into force, isn’t it? The situation is likely to be quite comical.

7. There are also a lot of politicians who bear this first name, avoid imposing a fatal destiny on him

Daladier, Balladur, Philippe… It would seem that a curse weighs on this first name pushing whoever bears it to engage in politics. It is necessary that you watch your child from an early age: at the very moment when you think you see an ounce of interest in his eyes when you zap on a political debate, turn off your television. Immediately.

Photo credits (Creative Commons): Original: Dutch National Archives; Cropping and cleaning: User:Flappiefh

8. It is in Haiti that we find the most Edouard, far too far

And unless you want to move there, you will have to calm your enthusiasm. No, because until proven otherwise, we are in France. (Oops, forgive that bit of a chauvinistic moment.)

9. Because the guy who invented the E.Leclerc brand had this first name

And that there is nothing worse in the world than a large area. Between the crowd, the food overflowing everywhere, the shopping carts rushing at you, it’s a real nightmare. Do you really want to think about that every time you call out to your kid? I do not believe.

10. Edward Theodore Gein was a necrophiliac serial killer and corpse thief

We end on a particularly glamorous and joyful point. But, really, if I were in your place, if I cared about my skin, I would avoid giving my kid a name like that. I say that, I say nothing.

Ah yes the info in One is completely fake. I forgot to precise.

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