The moment you dreaded so much has arrived. Your friend took a little time to tell you but anyway you can see that something has changed, this way she refuses the slightest drop of alcohol doesn’t bother you. left indifferent You know. She is pregnant. And this is the beginning of the end.
1. You already don’t like her boyfriend and now you know that there will be a bit of her boyfriend in this child henchman of Satan
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Already, not sacking your friend’s guy, it’s not easy, but at the limit we can see her without it, we can avoid the subject, in short we can live with it like a serious illness but not fatal. Now that she’s going to have a kid, you know that not only will this badger always be a bit in the picture and especially if you don’t like her kid either, you won’t find any escape to escape him.
2. You have a Facebook filter that automatically deletes contacts as soon as they have their first child
“It’s sorry but there I can do nothing more, if it’s Facebook that puts an end to our relationship, it must stop. »
3. Your friendship will not resist the first announcement with a photo of the baby and a text that makes him speak in the first person
You thought you liked your friend. You admired him. But she went too far. So far that it is now in a zone of lawlessness where any return to propriety is now unthinkable.
4. Even if she has a shitty life she can always say that at least she accomplished this
Which naturally sends you back to the own failure of your nihilistic existence. Because you made the choice not to have children. But the unfair thing with someone who has children is that even if she moves to a house in the residential suburbs and leads a life driven by boredom, she can always say on her deathbed “the little Kilian is the most beautiful thing I have ever done”. BUT NAN SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU DID NOT JERK OFF YOU JUST SHIT HIM YOUR MOM YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING GOOD FOR ANYBODY BY DOING THIS THEN SHUT DOWN THE FDP. Well it’s true that it’s not nice as a last word before seeing her take her last breath, but sometimes you have to say what’s on your heart.
5. You will no longer talk about penis and testicular morphology but now about episiotomy and breastfeeding
While you lived a peaceful and sweet life until then, you didn’t need to know that. What pleasure does this person who calls himself your friend get from ruining your innocence and talking to you about things that make you want to puke?
6. You’ll have to look good when she shows you her first ultrasound, then the first picture of her kid, then her kid himself
But you clearly and obviously don’t give a damn. The poker face is in order.
7. You never thought you would have to write “lots of lucky stars for you”
You didn’t think you had to do it one day so much that you seriously wondered about doing it. And then no. Neither a message of congratulations, nor a call, nor a visit, you might as well play dead right away to avoid hypocritical compliments and syrupy emanations of joy.
8. No more booze parties, now you’ll drink alone in front of someone who breastfeeds and morally it’s pretty ugly
Because brunch and afternoon tea are fun, but nothing beats a good glass of pinard. Haha, yes but that was before. Before something drooling and shitting hits your social landscape and ruins your well-being as an alcoholic forever.
9. You’re going to have to offer a gift for the birth, and you didn’t plan for that in your annual budget
And anyway, if you give a gift it’s a bottle opener that blows up or an inflatable dick, but these two elements strangely did not appear in the list of birth gifts.
10. You won’t see her again for three or four years
At first you thought the parenthesis would only last nine months but in fact, let’s not fuss as much as waiting for the kid to go back to school to consider a beginning of the beginning of a return to normal. The key is to seize the right moment when your friend has regained her independence and before she goes astray in a second pregnancy, otherwise you will have to double the break in your friendship.
So you will have to fall back on your second best friend who will then go back to the top of the ranking of friends who are not pregnant.