Sometimes – like about 1% of the time – kids are cute. They talk nonsense, bang their heads on furniture and have little faces that are too cute. But the other 99% of the time, the kids are just dumb. So if you don’t want us all to hate kids, spare us a bit and ban them from certain places. For the good of the community. We’ve drawn up a short list of places to ban them from tomorrow.
1. 1st class in trains and planes
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If we pay more, it is for more comfort and tranquility. But brats are pretty much the exact opposite of the word “tranquility”. Let them go cry in second class.
2. Weddings
How can you call “the best day of your life” a day ruined by kids running around and complaining because “Papaaaaaa, Mattéo pulled my hair” or because “Mamaaaaan, I don’t like what there is to eat”. A beautiful wedding is a wedding where no guest is under the age of 12.
3. Evening screenings at the cinema
Animated films for children are shown during the day on Wednesdays and Saturdays for an excellent reason: because the children do not have school and the adults who do not have children have things to do. These sessions, we leave them to you with pleasure. But, in return, please, don’t take your kids to see films for all audiences at 8 p.m. They kick our seats with their feet, drop bass drums and comment on the film out loud as if they were at grandma’s house. It’s hell.
4. Supermarkets
We understand that some parents have no choice, but we should have an enclosure at the entrance to drop off our kids and pick them up at the end. The supermarket with a kid crawling around while squealing in every aisle to buy Nutriscore Z stuff is a torment for everyone.
5. Restaurants
Well, let’s be fair, we’re not going to ban them from Flunch or McDo obviously, and we’re even ready to give them access to the Buffalo Grill. On the other hand, for any restaurant where the final score is more than 30 bucks, we feel entitled to have a bit of calm without eating next to a brat who comments on his minced steak from the children’s menu.
6. Museums
Already we, the adults, are in style to understand this contemporary work of a guy who seems to have shit on a white canvas, so what are they going to get the brats? Nothing. So just leave them at home.
7. The living room
Because it’s the place where you want to rest after a day of hard work and, as we said earlier, rest is incompatible with children. Instead, go to your bedroom and play with your toys that cost us a kidney.
8. Bars
Parents who take their kids to the bar, aren’t you ashamed? No, not ashamed to bring them to a place where there is alcohol, who cares, but ashamed to ruin our evening?
9. The beach
We can possibly leave them a small stretch of beach framed by a fence where they can happily puff sand on each other. It will save us from having to eat it, us, while we are quietly taking our nap. Or, worse, having to listen to their boring stories while we’re focused on our book.
10. The swimming pool
Because of whom we have to put up signs “no running around the pool” and “no bombs”? We give it to you in a thousand: because of the brats. Without them, the pool finally becomes a simple pleasure again. Plus they piss in the water. We know it.
11. (Bonus) Babysitting
That way we would just be paid for sitting and it would be a lot less boring as a job.