Let’s be clear, we’re not going to list all the people we’re jealous of because they don’t have children. No, that would be really too sadomasochistic on our part. On the other hand, we already make ourselves sufficiently poor to raise them, these critters, so that they have at least the courtesy of erecting us, only us and no one else, as their supreme idol forever. Unfortunately the competition is fierce with everyone who revolves around them…
1. The Mistress, Mrs. Know-It-All
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In one week of school, she gives the impression of having taught your kid more things than you have in 4 years. But let’s remember that this woman spends ALL her day with a horde of overexcited kids and that just for that, she really deserves her name of mistress, even that it was suggested to Jean-Michel Blanquer to rename all the teachers: THE BIG BOSS. He thinks.
2. The nanny and her photos in spades
She also spends her whole day with your kid but you have less empathy for her because you quickly forget the great moments of loneliness that you experienced with this little drooling creature before going back to work. So, even when, to please you and brighten your day, she sends you pictures of your offspring, you have the impression that she’s taunting you with all the cuteness that you’re missing, stuck in the office . And then, she sends you a text to tell you that she has just changed a very liquid and overflowing saddle and immediately it is better.
3. The other parent, who would do everything better than you
These little cheats manage to make the same reproaches to each parent separately. To the father: mum doesn’t do it like that. To the mother: dad gives me more. We see you. And above all, we knew each other long before you were born, so don’t try to play us off against each other. What keeps us going: our common union in front of you!
4. The perfect mother of his best friend Augustin
She volunteered to host the cake stand at the school party and God the unicorn-shaped one was delicious. To the point that you didn’t dare to take out of your bag your pitiful attempt at gluten-free, dry and above all tasteless cookies. But you console yourself by imagining him, at nightfall, an alcoholic and a sleepwalker.
5. Uncle too cool
Of course, sir can do a lot of bullshit and pass for the most fun of the family – when clearly, no one surpasses your sketch of Santa Claus who stuck his beard in his sleigh, during Christmas meals. So here you are obliged to specify that if there is the slightest drop of paint that comes to splash on the Persian carpet, it will really hurt. But you’re cool too, no problem. It’s just that it’s a hand-made carpet after 300 days of work, damn good evening!
6. His imaginary best friend with whom he shares lots of secrets
What bothers you the most is never having met him because that’s what prevents you from sizing up the fanatic a little and seeing what his faults are. And the excuse of being imaginary, we find it a little too easy.
7. Her cuddly toy with a thousand privileges
And that you mustn’t sit here because it’s Doudou’s chair, and you mustn’t speak too loudly because Doudou has a headache. He is aware all the same, the rabbit who pills, that it is still with us all the same? It’s not our style to make threats but Doudou, he had better not go too close to the washing machine and its ultra shrinking program. An accident happened so quickly.
8. His brother or sister with whom the child remakes the world
It’s true what, they both seem so accomplices while you, obviously, confined to the role of the parent, you feel excluded from their low masses. From the secret language of twins when they are babies to the confidences of teenage girls among themselves, nothing helps, we definitely didn’t call you. While siiiii, I assure you that I too was your age, come on, just a little gossip!
9. The candy vendor who never does anything but sell candy…
Ah, that pure joy that can be read on your kid’s face when the salesman offers him something extra, that way he has of feeling privileged when you just want to remind him that oh Hey ! First the gentleman is just doing his job, ok? And then, remind me who pays for these sweets that make you happy? It’s bibi. So it’s time to start showing some recognition because the rent isn’t free either.
10. Kylian Mbappé or the living reincarnation of Jesus Christ
Yeah ok you didn’t win the world cup but we don’t force you to remember the list of your achievements since the child was born! So, it’s not really asking much, to have your life-size poster displayed in the brat’s room, too. Did Kylian Mbappé ever change you even a single diaper when you were a baby? Did he help you with homework and find the last piece of the puzzle? But, magnanimous, you will be content with a simple poster above the bed, in place of Soprano. Not yet ?
Do you think we’re going too far and that all these people are just contributing to the richness of our child’s education? That we should not feel in competition with them but make them our precious allies? Well, we think you’ve just made a sensational entry into N°11 of this top. YES.