The advantage of being a movie character compared to being a real person is that you can’t really die: if you die, it’s fake, then you go home and you can eat pasta. As a result, we can afford to do a lot of little bullshit and set a bad example for the spectators. But you shouldn’t believe everything that happens in the cinema (for example, extraterrestrials don’t exist, guys).
1. Go ahead, admire the tornado from afar in a cool way
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In all the disaster movies, a foreseeing hero who everyone thought was crazy watches from afar the hurricane he had foreseen when he asks his family to take refuge in the shelter he has built for weeks. . Except that a guy who did that would simply die. Because he would be swept away by the tornado or get hit by a piece of debris almost immediately. The only thing to do, faced with a cyclone, is to hide inside, rather in the basement, and wait for it all to pass by praying very hard.
2. Are you lost? Get on the road and turn around, go!
Are you lost? If you’re in a movie, you’ll probably be advised to go straight somewhere because after all you have every chance of gaining shelter before dark. But it’s stupid for two reasons: the first is that a well-known phenomenon is that, when you’re lost, you tend to go in circles, which makes you go nowhere and waste energy precious. The second is that the emergency services will start the search from the last place where you were seen. So you might as well stay not too far from that place, otherwise no one will hear you scream.
3. Your friend has a head injury? So let him have a big sleep
You were on a leisurely hike and then your buddy got into a crevasse and boomed his head on the rock. He’s still conscious but totally in a daze and you’re going to do your best (it’s in the script) to keep him from sleeping for fear he’ll fall into a coma and never wake up. Except it’s stupid. Because if you deprive your traumatized friend of sleep, it will be much worse for him and he will have a much harder time recovering.
4. Take refuge in a cave? Please don’t make a fire
Yeah, even if you planned a mechoui and all. Because the fire will warm the stones, which will start to move and oops the cave collapses and you are dead under it. Shame.
5. A black eye? Don’t put a steak on it por favor
Your eye is raw? Go ahead, put a piece of meat on it that you don’t know if it’s fresh or not on it, it’s known, meat can’t be full of disgusting germs that will create an infection and then you’ll die! No really, put ice cream, not meat.
6. It is impossible to escape a wild animal
Impossible. Apart from a marmot, huh. But most of the time, once you’ve turned your back on the beast, you’re done like a rat. You can read our advice on how to behave around animals here. You can also follow our bear survival tips anyway, or show him this video to entertain him and escape.
7. Are you thirsty? So eat snow
Worst bullshit in the world: the density of the snow is too low to quench your thirst. You’d have to drink pounds and pounds of it to quench your thirst, but remember that since it’s absolutely icy, your teeth and your throat won’t hold. Best to let it melt.
8. The moss on the trees can help you find your way.
Moss grows north? Hmmm… Not quite. Already, this is only true in the northern hemisphere and in addition, depending on the surrounding environment, the moss can grow in all directions. If you don’t have a compass, feel free to use your watch. Just point the sun with the small hand and divide the space between midnight and the hour hand by two to aim for the south.
9. Sick storm? Don’t stand with your feet on the ground
The ground is moist by nature and it is an excellent conductor of electricity. In the event of a storm in the middle of nowhere, you must avoid having your feet on the ground. The best is therefore to take shelter in a building or at best to move away as much as possible from the high points.
10. Your phone doesn’t pick up in this forest? It’s not useless though
You wanted to call for help and in fact you can’t because we don’t pick up in this scary forest. There, if you are a character in the cinema, you take your phone and you throw it away (to believe that you wanted to buy one anyway). Then come what may. But it’s bullshit without no, because your phone is always trying to connect with the nearby terminals and this permanent connection will allow rescuers to locate you. Afterwards, you do what you want, huh.