It’s barbecue season, it’s a bit like Christmas but without the trees, without the snow, without the gifts and without the fucking garlands that kill hundreds of cats every year. Ok that has nothing to do, but it’s one of the two most important times of the year and in order to avoid making big mistakes we’re going to give you some advice on not screwing up your beard since you have already messed up your life, to be completed obviously with the golden rules of the barbecue.
1. Not oiling your grill
If in the world of porn “oiling the grill” has a very specific meaning, in the world of barbecues it is quite another thing. It’s always a good idea to run a paper towel soaked in oil over the grill to prevent your meat from sticking too much and tearing. No one likes a merguez cut in half. Nobody.
2. Use plastic utensils
Oh dear, put down those plastic tongs right away, the heat can not only burn it but also evaporate yucky fumes and change the taste of your meat. Well-organized people use metal cutlery with a wooden handle, and the real ones use their bare hands.
3. Never clean the grid
It may seem obvious to some, yet a bunch of gross nerds never clean their grill before cooking. It is best to clean it well after each use and wipe it down before using it too. Like your toilets.
4. Not preheating your grill
Not only can preheating be useful for burning out the bacteria on your grill, but it will also promote much more even cooking and sear your meat. And you like your meat seared, I see it in your eyes.
5. Cook the meat directly from the fridge
We recommend taking the meat out of the fridge almost 30 minutes before cooking it, otherwise the temperature difference risks attacking the meat and causing it to shrink, which will give a kind of inedible thing that will also taste like toilet mop juice, the worst taste on earth.
6. Cook all meats at the same temperature and for the same time
It is exactly with these kinds of errors that we end up eating burnt merguez sausages and a semi-raw rib steak. Each piece of meat is cooked differently depending on its size or type, so watch closely and don’t hesitate to remove it from the grill to check on a plate if it’s good.
7. Cover your barbecue once the meat is there
Covering your barbecue is useful during the preheating phase and to keep the meat warm after cooking once the fire has been turned off. But when cooking it is better to do it uncovered to prevent the smoke from altering the taste of the meat, it is a barbecue, not stewing with the good taste of charcoal.
8. Overload your grid
“Whoever loads his grill too much cooks his meat badly”. This old adage from ancient Egypt still holds true today: putting too much meat on the grill prevents even cooking and risks cooking even longer. Even if it seems a little counterproductive, it is better to cook less stuff at the same time and chain the batches.
9. Serve directly
You might think it’s better to eat straight off the grill to the point of burning your tongue and losing all your taste buds, but actually that’s not a great idea. It is rather advisable to leave the meat two to three minutes in the open air before serving it, depending on some pieces, this gives time for the humidity to circulate again because the cooking concentrates the juice in the middle of the meat.
10. Piss on embers to put them out
I know, it’s tempting and you could easily think it saves water. But first of all, it’s not super hygienic and especially with all the alcohol you’ve just poured on yourself, it’s likely that you’ll set the whole neighborhood on fire with what’s in your urine.