Because History is not just an uninterrupted series of decent people who wage war with dignity, there is a whole gallery of nonconformist characters whose main quality is knowing how to piss off others with such mastery as she remains in the annals. Because it’s not enough to know how to calm the ardor of others; you still have to learn how to do it with elegance.
1. Jean Lafitte or the art of the thrust
Table of Contents
This filibuster who scoured the seas of the Gulf of Mexico at the beginning of the 19th century became a legend on his own thanks to his adventurous life punctuated by more or less invented adventures. His diary, apocryphal and of disputed authenticity, is a veritable collection of the Arabian Nights where Lafitte sometimes appears as a red Rackham, sometimes as a Robin Hood, always as a good companion. A particularly amusing story is told about him. While the governor of Texas had put a price on his head for 500 dollars, Lafitte would have outbid by offering 5000 dollars to whoever brought him the head of the governor.
Level of fuckness : 18 on the Doc Gyneco scale.
2. When the mayor of a small town didn’t let himself be pushed around
In 1977, the small town of Vulcan, West Virginia, applied to the state for funding to replace a bridge in danger of collapsing. Governor’s response: out of the question. But the local administration does not allow itself to be reckoned with. As soon as the refusal was confirmed, it turned to the Soviet Union, sending an official request for funding from America’s enemies. The news stale, the State of Virginia immediately reversed its decision by releasing a million dollars for the construction of the bridge. You didn’t have to piss them off.
Level of fuckness : 20.2 on the Bill Murray scale.
3. Rollo and allegiance
Rollon was a Viking chief who will become, after signing an agreement with Charles the Simple, the first duke of Normandy in exchange for the cessation of looting. During the signing of this treaty, the bishops present asked Rollo to kiss the king’s foot as a sign of submission, but Rollo refused and, after discussions, it was recorded that one of the chief’s soldiers would comply with the exercise. The soldier stooped and, instead of bringing his face close to Charles the Simple’s foot, he raised said foot until the king rocked back. General laughter. Rollo, had earned his badass stripes.
Level of fuckness : 487 on Patrick Balkany’s scale.
4. Germanic tribes and English humor
When the Romans abandoned England, it saw the Germanic migrations sweep over it. Well-equipped warrior tribes that did not take long to subdue the Celtic resistance. Except that the Germans were not lacking in humor. Once settled, they began to name the locals, the Celts, by the word Welisc which means “foreigner”. Or how to make the conquered understand that they are only tolerated on their own territory. This word of Welisc became Welshwhich is part of the English heritage.
Level of fuckness : Nick on the Kyrgios scale.
5. The second defenestration of Prague
In 1618, the Protestants of Prague sent two emissaries to Prague Castle where King Matthias was seated. This had indeed guaranteed Protestants the right to practice their religion, but two temples had recently been closed manu militari. It smelled of fir for the Protestants at a time when Matthias had chosen his cousin Ferdinand, favorable to the counter-reform, to succeed him on the throne. But the meeting turns sour and the Protestant delegation throws two Catholic governors out the window. They land on a pile of manure.
Level of fuckness : 794 on the Bartleby scale.
6. When Tito openly didn’t care about Stalin
Stalin had two obsessions in life: killing Trotsky and killing Tito, the Yugoslav leader. If he managed to relieve the first, he will die before he could see the second come true. It is not for lack of having tried: throughout his reign at the head of the USSR, Stalin will not stop sending his killers (22 all the same) in the footsteps of Tito. So much so that Tito will send him the following letter: “stop sending people to kill me, because if you don’t stop, I will send one of my killers to Moscow and there will be no need for a second. »
Level of fuckness : Alpha on the scale of nudism.
7. Peter and the independence of Brazil
John VI reigned over Portugal and over Brazil; but the irruption of French troops in Portugal and a wave of liberal protest had forced the king and his family to move their royal posterior to Rio de Janeiro. Except that, a few years later, royal authority was challenged in Portugal. Jean VI must return urgently, entrusting the keys of the Brazilian colony to his son, Pierre. Except that Pierre has lived in Brazil since he was 9 years old, in other words all his life. He feels much more Brazilian than Portuguese. In 1822, when he was trying to compromise in the face of liberal opposition, he received orders from his father to suppress protest. Pierre does not get bored: he declares the independence of Brazil directly. Farewell to the empire.
Level of fuckness : 14/13 on the Houellebecq scale.
8. William Edward Burghardt Du Bois and the honors of his class
The first black to receive a doctorate from the prestigious Harvard University in 1895, Du Bois, future figurehead of equality between blacks and whites and precursor of civil rights, was called upon to give a speech at his graduation. He did it not without humour: “It’s Harvard that is honored today, much more than me. ” Class.
Level of fuckness : 120.92 on the Dude scale.
9. “Nuts!” or how to win a war
Anthony McAuliffe was the general of the American garrison in Bastogne. On December 22, 1944, he received a letter from his German counterpart demanding his immediate surrender to avoid a bloodbath, Bastogne being, according to German statements, perfectly surrounded. McAuliffe’s response is immediate: “Nonsense. “Or rather” Beat the balls. “Nuts”, in English. This is the official answer that will be given to the Germans.
Level of fuckness : 19.43 on the Han Solo scale.
10. Trump saying “I’m the least racist guy in the world”
It will mark history, that one.