There’s a piece of info that the kids apparently pass on to each other: the parents were originally made by IKEA. And despite their human appearance (the same as them, huh, note that it doesn’t shock them to make us endure what they would never tolerate from us), the parents are actually made of wood, leather or electronic components. The proof in 10 points.
1. A coffee table to lean on
So yes, of course one day, in a moment of bewilderment, moved to see our exceptionally wise and cute offspring, we had to say some bullshit like “You can always lean on me my darling”, ok we confess everything! But strangely, we hadn’t imagined that the said darling would take us at our word, with her well protruding elbows planted in the most sensitive areas of our anatomy, OKLM.
2. A very soft armchair
It’s an incomprehensible Pavlovian reflex, all you have to do is squat down for two seconds to retie your shoelace and presto! now the boy has seen an invitation to come and sit on you. Blame it on this ritual that you set up in the evening, at the foot of the bed, when your child snuggles up in his favorite human chair to listen to his story. It goes without saying that it’s the chair that’s stuck in the story and that it’s struggling to suppress its yawns after the 14th rereading…
3. A sofa
It’s the same as the armchair but with more children squatting your legs. The major difficulty for the sofa-parent being to manage to read the story despite the two big heads full of hair that continually come between him and the book. And it is in this breach that the first price sofas are engulfed, these parents who do not hesitate to skip lines, even pages. But we see you guys (in real life: well done). And your children will soon be no longer fooled (unless you manage to serve them the exact same abbreviated version every time).
4. A medicine cabinet
Tissues, doliprane, bandages, arnica, phy serum, compresses… You always have everything on you. And everyone knows it. And find it normal. You would take a stethoscope out of your dercher that it wouldn’t shock anyone. Not even you.
5. A portico
It is with the greatest naturalness that your children have fun passing again and again under this gantry that you form well despite you have your two legs. You have nothing to envy to the Arc de Triomphe except its notoriety. On the other hand, you sometimes wonder what Freud would think of your child who asks you to spread your legs to pass…
6. A vending machine
Candies, cakes, apple juice, paper napkins, fresh fruit… The only difference with the machines found in the metro or in the station is that it’s free with you.
7. A swing
Special mention to the children who pick you up when you wake up, when you have no strength in your arms but who still cling to you to initiate the inevitable rocking movement. Well it’s funny huh, we don’t say the opposite. But we don’t really like the little “crack” we just heard…
8. A rocking horse
So, one day when you were in the moon, you had the misfortune, in an excess of quite exceptional parental jubilation, to bring out the big game: the sound of galloping then the whinnying of the horse when it stops, you who you rear up, while the little jockey who serves as your child upsets your back at the same time as he strangles you. Meanwhile, another little joker plays the role of the barrier that stops every 5 seconds, forcing you to lean over to give him a kiss (we hope this child does not end up as a ferryman or SNCF controller). This delightfully cute and funny scene would remain so if you weren’t now doomed to repeat it over and over again, making you regret your overzealousness. Next time, you will leave this kind of game to Tonton Tommy.
9. An activity mat
This is the seriously uncool version of the coffee table. With an interactive part that we would have frankly done without: and that it grinds here, that it asks if it hurts when you press here (in your opinion?), drooling on you in unlikely places… But exhausted that you are, you tell yourself that it’s still an occupation like any other and that it’s still something that this child isn’t breaking up in another corner of the apartment.
10. A coat rack
Your great added value being your mobility, compared to vulgar wall hooks. You are not just a passive coat rack waiting to be needed. Ooooh no. You’re the one who comes out of school to pick up all those layers of clothes that your Tasmanian devils are leaving behind, like modern-day little thumbs. Sometimes you think about taking revenge by reselling all this on the Internet. And then, about 4 seconds later, you remember that it’s going to be you who will be in trouble the next morning, when it’s time to dress them for school…
So yes, when you become a parent, you access this strange status of furniture but in the event of professional retraining, any new skill on the CV is good to take. So tell us, do you feel more like chair, coat rack or activity mat?