Hi my vanilla and chocolate chip meringues (yeah that doesn’t exist but if there’s a pastry chef around he can try) how are you today? Yes it’s hot right now, yes the world is going down the drain and yes we’re probably all going to die of a weird virus or a shortage of food but since we’re good enough to be an ostrich let’s continue for five minutes plunging us into the champions of the week, these unusual miscellaneous facts that we find thanks to this brave @adjusted, someone mysterious but probably friendly.
1. Brittany: he sets fire to his excrement and causes an uncontrollable fire
Topito’s analysis: What a story, by wanting to burn his piece of toilet paper he literally set the whole beach on fire. These people with a passion for burning shit are the scum of humanity. And maybe one day they will be his saviors too. But I doubt it.
2. She wants revenge on her ex but burns down the wrong house…
Topito’s analysis: It’s stupid because the house of a guy who hadn’t asked for anything burned down. That being said, even her ex probably didn’t deserve to have her house burnt down. Seriously what is this mania to set fire to everything and anything.
3. Asnières-sur-Seine: the wrecker sentenced after kidnapping a “submarine” belonging to the DGSI
Topito’s analysis: Should have tried it, already because stealing a submarine is classy but in addition it’s a little hidden under water by definition the thing, so there’s a chance of success. The problem is the size, it doesn’t fit in the cellar.
4. He buys an iPhone at Fnac and goes home… with a piece of tile
Topito’s analysis: If even Fnac starts to put it upside down, what will become of us? But let’s reassure ourselves that somewhere, someone who wanted to buy a piece of tile is living their best life.
5. Man sentenced for buying too many erection pills
Topito’s analysis: So if from now on we can be outright condemned for wanting a hard-on a lot, it’s bad luck for all my fifty-year-old Daron buddies. Really sad what the world is becoming.
6. With 1.4 million eggs, a student wants to create an impressive ‘army of frogs’, scientists worry
Topito’s analysis: It really looks like a comic book villain origin story and it’s clearly not reassuring. One man shouldn’t have so much power. It’s not mine, it’s Kanye West’s lyrics that I heard in a perfume ad.
7. He received a 500 gram ball of pigeon droppings on the back of his neck that had fallen from a tower, his nerves were affected
Topito’s analysis: In reality, the story is super sad because it can be serious, but it’s above all that it means that people have fun throwing half a kilo of bird shit on other people and that’s really not the spirit of fraternity that we are looking for.
8. A dinosaur footprint discovered by chance in a Chinese restaurant
Topito’s analysis: So either the restaurant is really super old and it’s a trace left by a customer from a long time ago, or the people who built it really didn’t respect anything, because even if it doesn’t If you don’t necessarily identify a dino track at first sight, it doesn’t look like a basketball sole track either.
9. A robot chess player breaks a 7-year-old’s finger.
Topito’s analysis: We’ve been yelling at robots that are getting stronger and smarter for so long, so if now we have to start yelling at bad-player robots, we’re out of luck. Breaking a kid’s finger, but where are we going?
10. Drunk, the mayor of a town in the Oise kills a seagull in Saint-Brieuc
Topito’s analysis: Nah, but today’s mayors think too much that they have all the rights. We don’t bump into gulls like that, let alone drunk, and even less when this particular gull is his deputy at the town hall and he has always supported us.
And while waiting for next week, hydrate yourself with spicy oil and go read the teubés of the week. Only one of these tips is a good idea, it’s up to you to find it.